So, I think this should go here? Anyway, this is the poem dasiamari and I wrote for the Poetry Pairs Contest. Yes. Tell us what you think?
--
They say true beauty lies within,
But they try to force it out--
And they hate those who try to slice it out.
So we bask in their sunlight, weak and weary,
And try not to fix it with the apothecary.
As their minds’ eyes twist and change,
Forcing even the contortionist to break.
So she wears a blue gown;
as she stands down.
Forcing her beauty out--
They lie,
Scattering their mis-truths and horror-shows,
As they fire!
Hurt!
Mock!
Maim!
And no one says a thing--because how can they?
Do and die,
Don’t and die.
It all ends the same .
So she becomes a taloned bird--
No one can tame such as so.
And the ground yawns.
She steps down now,
And they feel relief.
But she got hers--relief,
Their relief.
Horror at a thought so different from before.
She revels.
She can fix this,
So different from the woman with the brand-face,
She can do it simply,
And apathy becomes her vice,
Cruelty her favorite dagger.
So congratulations, new weak and weary,
You have made your monster,
And she is beautiful.
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It's good, but I have a few points for improvement.
"So she wears a blue gown;
as she stands down."
I don't really see what that has to do with anything, perhaps either delete or elaborate. Is there a significance for the blue gown? How does she look in it? Something to describe her gown and how it is something nice for her would be good. Also, where is she wearing it to? Is it a dance? Dinner? What is meant by stands down?
"Forcing her beauty out--
They lie"
You've already used the phrase "forcing her beauty out", perhaps try to find something different to convey your meaning.
"lie" is a little short and choppy, maybe something like, "they spin their falsehoods", something to be a bit more dramatic and imaginative, also to flow better.
Overall, I thought this was amazingly done!
Nothing to say this is great !
They say true beauty lies within,
But they try to force it out--
And they hate those who try to cut it out. Cliche, use words other than 'cut'
So we bask in their sunlight, weak and weary,
And try not to fix it with the apothecary.
As their minds’ eyes twist and change-- change the dashes to a comma
Forcing even the contortionist to break.
So she wears a blue gown; what significance is the blue gown
as she stands down.
Forcing her beauty out-- you've already used this, find another way to say it
They lie, lie, lie, the repetition hurts rather than enhances. Instead of just 'they lie' find a more creative way to say it
As they fire!
Hurt!
Mock!
Maim!
And no one says a thing--because how can they? nice line
Do and die,
Don’t and die.
It all ends the same .
So she becomes a dove--
No one can tame a dove.
And the ground yawns.
She steps down now,
And they feel relief.
But she got hers--relief,
Their relief.This just seems like a line that's just tossed in, you're reiterating something that's already been stated
Horror at a thought so different from before. what thought? They're horrified because she's peaceful? That's what I thought you were implying with the 'dove' concept, along with the un-tamable quality
She revels.
She can fix this, so different from the woman with the brand-face, this line is out of place with its length
She can do it simply,
And apathy becomes her vice. wouldn't this also be he greatest strength? It's her way of coping, right?
So congratulations, weak and weary, at the beginning, 'weak and weary' was you..
You have made your monster,
And she is beautiful. wonderful ending
Wasn't the poetry pairs contest only for 16+?
If not, darn hah.