Sometimes I feel invisible
No one sees me
No one hears me
No one notices me
No one cares.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice if I just disappeared
I wonder if they would care If I got injured.
Even if they do see me
And even if they do hear me
And even if they do notice me
it’s not for good reasons
DO THIS, DO THAT, GET OFF THAT, HURRY UP
Sometimes its just words that are attempted to hurt me.
But I must stay strong and I must not care about what anyone thinks, because in the end if I’m invisible how can I help them?
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Hey, Captain Random!
How you've been since the last poem? haha...ok,
What I think is, it was as if you were nagging to someone about how bad your day went.
Try imagery. Just google on tips in writing poems. I just feel like it was too blunt and there were repeated words, so try to show something your own unique way.
for example, instead of saying that you feel invisible. You might have said that in a way that people don't usually hear.
Read the Dictionary to expand your vocab. A thesaurus is also handy.
I always have my mini dictionary in my bag whenever I go.
Keep writing!
Hi Cap!
This poem was good to a certain point. It was a nice, simple, quiet poem and I felt I could relate to some parts. But then you go:
It sounds like your mum is telling you to stop being lazy and help her with the chores! By saying that, she is NOT attempting to hurt you! If some says "HURRY UP!" its probably for good reason. I'm sure you've said that to a few people before. If I was injured and needed help and said "HURRY UP!" for you to come help me, is that really an attempt to hurt you. Or what if your running late for school or something and your parents say "HURRY UP!" they're saying it in perfectly good reason. If someone says "GET OFF THAT" its because the thing you're on is probably dangerous and they're telling you to get off so you don't hurt yourself. And if you're invisible, why would they say things to you if they couldn't see you? Doesn't quite make sense...
If you're invisible, I'm sure you can still help people. You're invisible, it just means people can't see you, it doesn't mean you've disappeared! How can people help you if you're invisible? You seem to be the one who needs help, you seem to be depressed, and seeing someone in trouble would only make you more depressed and then it just gets complicated...
I also agree with RepublicOfCoter - your stanzas are good!
Keep trying, you'll get there!
Hey. This is the first time I'm reviewing like this, so if I stuff us, sorry. My stuff will hopefully be in red.
I think you gave this a good try, but you need to work on how you lay it out, and some of the words you use. Soryy if what I said was harsh, but it is just what I think.
Hello again, Captian!
I think this poem sounds like thinly disguised whining, if that makes sense. That is, you're invisible but sometimes people notice you, but it's not for the right reasons, etc., etc. So then... what is the right reason? You never really explain that, and I think you should! Otherwise, your poem seems a bit lacking.
Hope that helps!
You're writing is pretty good overall though you may not want to be so repeative with certain word. Other than That it was very good.
It was a really pretty poem, but I felt like it was kind of all over the place. There's also a lot of repetition, and these would be great opportunities to find more new and creative words. This is very pretty though, and it does have a certain flow to it. Keep on writing!
Hey Cap! I felt that this poem was all over the place-too many repeated words (use a thesaurus, go on microsoft word and search synonyms or go on dictionary.com and have a look there) and the poem lost its feel at a certain point; I can't point it out but it doesn't seem right. I like what you are trying to say here-that sometimes we feel that we are invisible to people which we are in modern society. You are improving on your stanza writing which is excellent. You could fully structure this poem into stanzas but I am going to leave that for you to do to see how you go.
Keep practicing the stanzas and your poems will be marvellous!
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter