Hey everyone. I wrote this poem when i was about to go to bed one night, its about me and someone. Hope you enjoy.
As I lay down in my bed to go to sleep, I think of you and only you,
I think about how I wish you were mine, how I wish I was yours,
I wonder if you love me, I wonder if you’re thinking about me,
I wish you were here or I was there, holding you, you holding me,
If I had one wish it would be you.
It’s a lovely new day and its time for school and as I awaken from my slumber, I think of you,
As I ride the bus I hope you get on and talk to me.
When I walk into school I wonder where you are, I wonder, do you want to see me?
As I progress through the day I catch many glimpses of you, but I wonder if you catch glimpses of me.
As I leave school, I think of you and only you, then I realize although you may not be next to me, holding me, me holding you, we sill love each other.
Even though were not in a relationship, I know its because we are afraid of talking to each other and even tho our love is looked upon and forbidden, still we try to make contact my sweet love. No matter how long, no matter how and no matter when I want to be yours, I want you to be mine, I want to be together forever.
Because I think of you and only you.
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Canary word: Present
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Hey Cap,
I thought it wasn't all that bad! Your poems are definitely improving! This, I felt, was deeper than the other poems you've written, and I thought the content was much closer to an actual poem than some of your other pieces. You really are improving. This was a truly heart-felt and deep poem. I congratulate you on that! It had a great sense of meaning.
Here are some things you may need to tweak up. Line 8:
"do you want to see me" needs a question mark at the end. I love how you've questioned this, but make sure you stick the punctuation in! The poem could be sorted into better stanzas. It's not structured like one just yet. It should be easy to fix that up, and it doesn't really take that much away from the poem at all! I felt you lost the poem in the last paragraph. It became a paragraph for a short story, and not a stanza for a poem. Make the final paragraph a bit more poetic and simplified, then this'll be good!
I loved the ending, one line and simple. "Because I think of you and only you." was a good way to end it. Once you fix it up, this will be a lovely poem! Best wishes for the improvements!
Hi Captianrandom,
This is a love letter, not a poem. Sorry to say it but it possesses almost no poetic qualities; it delves directly into overworn phrases, pays little respect to sound, rhythm, structure, meaning, imagery or language, some of the giveaways of a poem. This is a nice message to give to somebody, but it's not something I feel I can critique.
Hey CaptianRandom (been while since I've used your entire name)!
This poem was very touching. I just wonder who you wrote this for? If it's someone you like, they should be considered lucky. It was really beautifully written. Full of meaning and emotions. I understand that you still haven't gotten the whole concept of stanzas but that can easily be implemented into this poem. The whole idea of stanzas is to break the poem up into sections by making it flow but also not making it look like a big block of writing. These are a few adjustments that I suggest you make:
This is a rough idea of what I think it should look like. Don't use this if you don't want to but it's an idea. Only little nitpick I have to say is that you use wonder/ing too much. Use a thesaurus for other words like picture, question, imagine, hope etc.
Hope this has helped in any way possible. Excellent piece!
MWAHAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
Aww, what a cute poem! The person you wrote it for is very lucky. :] I don't have that many things to say so I'll keep it short.
By the way, my name's Ace.
Using the word "there" sounds a bit weird to me. We have no idea where the person is and there's a pretty good chance that you don't either. So try something like "I wish you were with me, or I was with you..."
This is just one of the things that doesn't really matter, but I tend to be a bit picky. Basically, you're saying it's time for school and then you're saying that you just woke up. Try, "It's a lovely new day and its time for school and when I woke up I thought of you,"
Self-explanatory, ja?
I don't think the "but" is necessary.
-Ace
hello i am James and here to go through this poetry of you'rs !
okay Captian Random i think it was a very touchy poem and thought full. you have real feelings in this poem expressing them for some one. that is real talk. it is dramatic yet pure and full of life. it will really mean something to the reader! by the way if the one you wrote the poem for on YWS she sure is lucky! later