It was a time of grief,
We hadn’t seen each other in years
And I’m sick of talking to you on skyp
I want to hug you, I want to kiss you, and I want to love you
As the days grew shorter and I knew you were coming and I opened my heart
I take a day off school to see you get out of the plane, and it’s happy when I see you again
We hug, we kiss and we love each other.
A couple of weeks go past and your still here, loving me, me loving you
Every time we see each other we hug, kiss and love
We go on a holiday; we stay here, do activities together.
As the days go past like seconds the time is nearing that you have to go
It’s the last time we see each other in person
We cry, we hug, we kiss and we love
As I sleep and you leave, in my mind, I miss you already.
As I know you’re gone, and we're separate, I miss you, I miss you so much that I have to close my heart again
We miss each other because you’re gone and we talk a lot when we have the chance.
We keep contact a lot, and miss each other and I know your going come back, because Godmothers always keep there promise.
I dedicate this poem to my Godmother who lives in America and I don’t see her much. I LOVE YOU BUCKEL oxoxox LOLO (lots of love)
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Hi Cap,
It was a good concept, not for a poem though. I think if you made this a story and added a bit of fiction and depth, it would be pretty good! But for a poem, I didn't think it worked well. It seems there is so much your soul wants to say, but its too much for a poem. Make it a short story and go into depth with your emotions. Help us to feel them too.
It was a real surprise at the end, when you reveal its your Godmother. Throughout the poem, your making it sound as if its a girl that your haven fallen in love with. Hugging, kissing and loving. When you say kissing, I assumed this was a girl and you were pashing her. Kinda ew if its your Godmother. Then you say "and I want to love you". Sort of sounds like your making love. Again, ew if its your Godmother. Please mention that its your Godmother from the start to wipe away the confusion. I'm sure I'm not the only one. And also, can't you love her even if she's in another country? That doesn't really stop you from loving her.
At the start you say you open your heart and then you close it in the end. Why? Why can't your heart remain open? Your stopping yourself from loving her. I don't think you understand the situation anymore than we do. This poem is very confusing.
But I did love the part when you describe "days going past like seconds", very good use of words and an excellent phrase! I applaud you on that! You also don't talk much about how you feel when your finally in each other's presence. You just say "We go on a holiday; we stay here, do activities together." How did you feel with her doing those activities together? Were you constantly fearing the day when you parted? Describe your feelings around her, not just when your away from her. It will give the poem a greater depth and sadness to see both of you part. You've also spelled "skype" wrong.
Make this into a story, it may turn out better!
Hey CaptianRandom!
Good idea for a poem-full of heart. I didn't like it. I thought that it was a good attempt for a new style of writing that you haven't done very often. I just think that this we very corny and a bit cliche. You really need to sort out this poem to make it flow properly. It is fully of spelling errors which is easily fixed-I still don't understand why you don't try and get the full potential out of your poems.
You make the same mistakes over and over again. I tell you in every review yet you seem to ignore them. Every time someone review your piece, they spend that little bit of their time to help you. Now, I have been monitoring some of you piece because I like them; when someone does review, you sometimes take on board what they say but most of the time you don't.
Now to the actual review:
That's all I'm going to say. The rest is up to you. I saw the tribute sentence at the end and I thought that was sweet. Tell your Grandmother about this-she'll really appreciate this.
MWAHAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
Well, CaptainRandom, Firestarter just about summed it up. (Your icon is unbelievably awesome, by the way.) I shall go through and fix your mistakes in red.
Whoa. Throughout the poem, I thought this was a romance. It's your godmother? I might say something about family in this poem, because you really had me thinking this was a lover. Anyway, nice work!
Hi CaptianRandom,
This has got a lot of heart.
But right now, it's a mess of a poem. First up, you've spelt skype wrong on the third line.
your should be "you're" and loveing should be "loving".
This should be "and we're separate".
There's a few more of these basic mistakes too. Remember to check your work before posting it on YWS!
The poem itself is barely a poem. You seem to have no consideration for the length of your lines, the structure, the rhythm, the language, originality or avoiding repetition. Each stanza says pretty much the same thing in pretty much the same way, and only about four different words are used. I can't really critique this because it's not a poem at the moment. It's a kind note expressing how much you love and miss someone, but it's not a serious effort.