You wonder why you never see my eyes
And when I show you all you do is turn away
When you see what I've been hiding
When you get what you wanted
You wish you'd never known
You wish you hadn't asked
You want a way to erase the memory
You want a way to change my life
And make it just a little better
But you can't
No one can
So stop trying
And next time
Don't ask to see me crying
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140,720 Literary Works • 673,677 Reviews
i read title and thought "hmm... i do wonder" lol. so i thought i'd drop by for a read and quick review
you get your point across well even though it is a little short. i like the words you put into this poem.
keep going
i think you should add in some punctuation though. It would help some of the readers comprehend a little more and it would add some more effect to the poem that way. I've had to add in punctuation a couple times or had to switch around the punctuation in some places.
but besides the punctuation it flowed nicely within itself. i like how each line has a little of its own message to add to the overall message. you explained nicely how you feel and then just ended it which was good. Nice job
First thing I thought of when I read this was the movie "Penelope." Not that it's relevant to anything but, I thought of it
Your poem is very short and to the point, which isn't a bad thing, especially because you get your point across very well,
"And next time
Don't ask to see me crying"
After that there's not much else to say. Sad, though, for the one being rejected, and the one doing the rejecting, but it's a duel conflict, I guess. One starts it, one ends it, and then life moves on...sort of. It's so sad that your poem is so true to life and happens on a daily basis, or more like minutely (didn't know that was even a real word.)
I like your poem because, while you don't mince words, you also aren't derogatory. I don't much care for it when people try to turn things into a hate or pity-party, which is usually just overrated, and you definitely haven't done that here, so good on you. You've explained your reason for being this way, then ended it quickly and painlessly.
Very well done.
Thank you CamorynnAnn!
Hi Mongoose here to review
I really like your words in this poem, I really do but where's the punctuation?
I think even if you want it to be one long sentence to pack a punch it still needs a comma or maybe a semi colon somewhere along the lines,
one for dramatic effect, it will make your lies stand out a little bit more.
And two: Because without punctuation it's really quite difficult to read as a huge block, there's not even a full stop. Im not sure if its a formatting error or intent but I personally don't think that it works that well. Just a hint.
That being said his poem is really well put together in terms of lines, like I said before each line has it's own meaning, and they are very good.
I love the use of repetition with the word 'You' it really makes the word stand out and sound almost nasty by the way it fits with the lines.
Thankyou for posting and I hope that some commas could be yyour friend:P