How much do we really know
About who we are and where we go
What if we are just puppets
And we don't really control our habits
How do we know that we haven't been fed
So many lies about where we are led
Maybe this isn't my own mind
Like a blank paper only just lined
Waiting for a story
To be enlighted with so much glory
Waiting to be allowed to tell the truth
About what this slueth
Has found in our lives
And the one that drives
Our action
Controls our emotion
What if it is all a lie
Every time we hear a baby cry
Maybe its because they know
Where our lives go
That we are all lost
Letting ourselves be bossed
Around all the time
And never questioning the line
Of string that controls our body
To become their melody.
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139,797 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Hi, Sarah for a quick review. I really enjoyed this although it was a little confused as to what the point of it. Were you referring to the point of human existence, of life itself, or were you contemplating religious beliefs? Though, I though it was brilliant the way you explained the mystery and confusion of it all. One thing I would like to point out though is the lack of detail I felt from the piece regarding the emotions the person is feeling. You questioned the point of life but you never really went into explaining how you felt about it. Do you feel anger, resentment, frustration? Or are you happy, faithful, or neutral about the whole ideal? Just something to think about. Overall, I though it was great. Keep up the good writing.
Hi! Just a quick review on your poem
The theme of your poem submit the question of life with a sense of dissatisfaction. Speaker expresses life constrained by many questions, including controlled by something which makes us feel like a puppets.
Language style you use is easy to understand and even though you wrote in free verse, I can still see you trying to give the end rhyme in a poem which is actually very fun to do and read. I am often amused every time reading it, it's pleasing to the ear. But sometimes we get caught up with rhymes that we've created.
This part looks a little awkward. 'lie' and 'cry' (off-rhyme) actually looks good here. It creates variety in the poem. The one thing that lead confusion here is the purpose behind 'the baby cry.'
Very nice rhyme! But it seems quite incompatible with the proper sense of the impact given. 'Melody' like bringing a sense of ease (e.g a song). Maybe you can use another word, which can give more precise impression.
I also feel, the impact of the poem will be more prominent if you take advantage of the use of punctuation here.
Overall
In the use of rhyme, you do have potential. I was also impressed with the theme you carry. Keep writing!
Kudos, cheers.
Hi rikki for a small review.
I skimmed through your poetry.
It is full of if-else conditions.
I had to say I liked a few lines like these ones:-
" How much do we really know
About who we are and where we go
What if we are just puppets
And we don't really control our habits"
If we had been puppets we surely could not control habits.
"Like a blank paper only just lined
Waiting for a story
To be enlighted with so much glory"
This sounds pretty realistic and may be someone is eager to catch up such experiences.
Overall it seems interesting as it raises our doubts and questions on certain situations which are anyways true.
May you be inspired and keep writing many more.
All the best mate.