Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
When everything you want is spinning out of control
And you wish you could lie down and sleep in a six foot hole
No one understands you
And it seems there is nothing left for you to do
You can't help them see
Who you are inside, who you've come to be
You can't show anyone your pain
Because you know that they could help you regain
Everything you have lost
But there is too much of a cost
The time you are forced away
Will not begin to pay
Every night you cry
During the day you just wish to die
But you know you can't leave
Too many people would never believe
That it was your only way to escape
But every day they only drape
More lies and anger over your guilt
You're holding your ending by the hilt
Waiting for the day you finally trip
And your blood can begin to drip.
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140,452 Literary Works • 673,211 Reviews
I really found myself enjoy this poem. Also a big thumbs up for me for having a rhyme. Whenever I see someone creating a rhyming scheme in their poem I always see the poem has a lot better. Mostly because I find rhyming to be the most difficult thing a writing can do. Yet you seemed to pull it off with ease.
Like @Stormcrow said before me stanzas would have made this much more easier to read. It would have flowed a lot better then again perhaps you did try and have stanzas. I know from experience that whenever I try to space my stanzas out I have to put a '~' between them as YWS hates me and formatting.
The last four lines are for me the best part of the poem:
I like the personification of the guilt as a sword. It made it seem dangerous and deadly.
Another thing I liked about this poem was the imagery you used. However, I would have liked to have seen a little bit more but the ones I did read were amazing.
So a great poem which I had the pleasure of reading.
Happy writing!
thank you for the review, I had not tried stanzas with this, i rarely use them. I will consider it for the future though. Also, I am glad you saw the personification, that's exactly the effect I was hoping for.
--Cam
Wow! Nice! This is an interesting poem. I hope this isn't how you actually feel. I like how the rhyming sounds, although ABAB would have been better. Interesting way of showing death as your blood dripping. Probably my favorite part. You should have probably broken it up into stanzas thought; and the drape part is cool. Good job!
If I write, it is because that's how I feel. I write to let it all out. So, yes, I do feel this way. I tried an ABAB with this and it felt wrong it didn't sound good. So I ended up like this. Thank you for the comments and review. --Cam
Wow! Nice! This is an interesting poem. I hope this isn't how you actually feel. I like how the rhyming sounds, although ABAB would have been better. Interesting way of showing death as your blood dripping. Probably my favorite part. You should have probably broken it up into stanzas thought; and the drape part is cool. Good job!
???
D: I apologize, I was demonstrating to a friend who just joined how to comment on a work. I didn't mean to send a blank comment xD
thats alright aha