When i close my eyes i see a girl
Her head is resting in her hands
And a halo sits atop it
Slanted slightly to one side
When i get closer i can see
The wings that are roughly sewn onto her back
Crudely stitched and torn
With patches here and there
They are not her true feathers
Her long dark hair falls around her pale face
Shoulders shaking as she rocks back and forth
A tear rolling down her cheek
She has cherry red lips
Quietly uttering “Why, Why?”
Her fragile body all skin and bones
Is stained with crimson lines and white hot scars
My heart aches for her
Even though i do not yet recognize her
Somehow i feel as though i am feeling her pain
I go to her to see if i can help
I start to put my arm around her
And she puts hers around me
Only a few seconds later
With crimson drops falling off and to the ground
Her bright blue eyes open wide
And i realize who she is
She’s me, an older me
Remnants of my past
Stitched together as one
To from this broken and torn being
Falling apart more and more each day i ignore myself
Each moment i push my feelings away
And with every choice i make
I know ive been given this preview
This image of my future
So that i can make changes now
And heal my wounds before it is too late
So I do not become this Future Angel
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139,797 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Wow, this is a certainly interesting poem. I really liked how you have related to this angel as a future angel, and how you have described her as broken and torn up and how at the end, you state you would not become this future angel.
This is merely a suggestion, but I think adding on one more 'why' would make this sentence flow better.I only have a few nitpicks:
1) This poem is a bit too long, like Fiend said, you could delete or combine some of the verses. Or better yet, separate these into stanzas because it would seem as long.
2) You inconsistent use of single 'i's, they should all be capitalized.
The apostrophe between I've.
These are tiny mistakes, but every little detail counts in poetry. I love some of the descriptions you have written here as well.
Good poem, and I hope I have helped!
-S.s
This is nice, but I think you could hoover up a few mistakes. Firstly I think this is slightly too long, and you could profitably combine or delete some of the verses. However what I would really like you to do is to change the "i's" into "I's". This is easy to correct and would make a world of difference to the presentation.
Hope This Helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Hello! I really enjoyed your work so I thought I' d give you a review on it
I really like your style, you manage to build up tension with lines like:
,,Only a few seconds later
With crimson drops falling off and to the ground
Her bright blue eyes open wide'' However, I must say that I was kind of guessing who the angel was going to be, just looking at the title, which I think should be changed in order for this to become a masterpiece!
Also, you're really good at painting a picture in one's mind. When I close my eyes I can proper picture the angel with her ,,Her fragile body all skin and bones''. It totally helped to set the mood which is essential to this poem!
Another small nitpick: I would phrase : ,,I know ive been given this preview..'' differently. Maybe I've been given this as a warning or I been given this vision to warn me..
Keep up the good work!
-sophiewrites