Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I want you to log in
I want to strike up a chat with you
And talk about all sorts of things
"'Meh' and 'okay' don't belong in the same sentence"
Maybe it's because you understand
What I mean, what I feel
What I say, what I'm talking about
"That's better."
Playing with fire is dangerous
But it doesn't compare to becoming close
To an unstable human
"I got too close to another person, so I had to leave her"
Why do I want to talk to you?
Why do I want to hurt like that
It's not your fault, you warn me.
"Damn You"
You don't understand
I've lashed out at too many people
To be upset when you lash out at me
"Care runs out"
People care. They always do
Whether it's a random person on a website
Or a kid you see in school everyday
"Care runs out, that's good"
Maybe I hate myself for pushing everyone away
Maybe You end up hurting more people by making them leave
Then by letting them stay as they will
"if you push people out, you won't have to beg them to stay"
And yet, as much as I hate you for all this
I can't seem to leave you be
I can't stop talking to you
"I don't want to bug you..."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello there!
I really enjoyed reading this poem, however there are a couple of things I would like to mention pertaining to editing in the future. Let's jump into it!
As much as I admire the use of italics in this context, I feel like that emphasizes stress on that phrase which upsets the balance of the poem a little bit. Perhaps that's the intent here though. Also, I thing you need a period after the word "sentence."
In some of those italicized areas there were also capitalization errors, so I'd go back and double check that.
This was a spectacular piece. I loved reading it, and experiencing the story. Thank you for sharing this with all of us here.
Keep writing, my friend.
-Sis
It seems that we have gone through exactly the same thing... HAH great poem btw
Thanks Rad!
Hey! I'm here to review your poem, as you requested!
First Thoughts:
At first I was really confused but I sort of understood by like the last couple of stanzas. I feel like the first couple of stanzas were confusing and it was like you didn't know what you were going to write about.
Confusion:
I was really confused on why you have these quotes talking about corrections. I feels random and I don't really get what the poem was about. I didn't get the dialogue and I really just didn't understand what was happening. Was it about a girl not wanting to talk to someone?
Grammar:
So your grammar was good but really think about adding more punctuation. Punctuation helps poetry a lot, it helps the flow and it just help to communicate the point.
Suggestions:
I'd say adding better punctuation and rewriting the first few stanzas. I think explaining who is talking would help the reader understand what is happening.
Summary:
I can't say I liked this because I didn't understand what you were trying to communicate. I think if you fix the things I said about it would help a lot. Maybe I'd end up understanding xD
I'm sorry that this wasn't that great of a review. It's hard to review something when you don't understand what's happening,
Alice ♥
Ahhhh. A review I can work with, thank you! You say it is confusing? Herm... I guess I need to make it more easily understood... Thank you!
No problem
There wasn't much mastery in the English Language, it was more conceptual than musically pleasing. I feel as though you also overused the italicizes, and the premise was melodramatically delivered.
Good day to you and thank you ever so much for your feedback.
To begin with, this piece was supposed to be melodramatic, I am very glad that you picked up on that; great job! The italics were meant to be a prominent feature is this work, they are bits of conversation, not to be confused with my own words for the poem. Speaking of; this is a free verse poem, not lyrics. So I do understand your confusion at the lack of musical pleasure. I would apologize for that, except that this is clearly labeled as a poem. It is in the poem section and in my poetry folder. If you would like to view lyrics, I suggest going to the lyrics section of this site. There are quite a few good ones, and I really do recommend reading some of them. Ah, but to master the English Language would be to surpass the need to delve inside to find creativity.
I am very sorry you did not find pleasure in my poetry here. I hope in the future I might write something to please you.
Un-Sincerely Yours,
Red AutoPilot
As a person who had gone through many emotions and situation similar to these which you are expressing in your work here, I understand and relate to this work.I like how smoothly it goes and everything seems so connected.I do not like when people miss the comma or the fullstop but this is not anything that can not be corrected so I can not say it is such a big deal?I think you got it.The whole idea of this work is brilliant.Something so simple but expressed in such a different way.I had not still seen work like yours which is with such a idea put into it.
So for me atleast the idea is fresh.
The tittle is catchy even if it is not the best.We can always get better,of course but it still caught my eye to be honest really here.
I do not like when one sentence is so long and then the following is so short and it is just connected in this odd way you can not understand it because the sentence lenght is too different.So because of that I like your work overall because it is all equal if that makes any sense here.
The only thing I could say is to put the fullstops and commas where you need them and also
...
on the fourth para the second line needs to end with a question mark.
This is all I have to say.I love this work and I think you know you have the talent,bruh.