Because what do you do when you can't turn it into words
When that deep hopeless pit drowns out everything with its emptiness
What do you do when you can't do anything
Do you sit down and cry, just let it flow out?
And yet you have to push on
Because giving up has never really been an option
Because for all that suicide is
It just isn't
It's just jumping into that hopeless void and never coming back
The finality of it that ends in nothingness
With left behind parents wondering what they did wrong
With abandoned friends thinking, knowing, believing that it's their fault
But what can you do.
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138,079 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hey AutoPilot, here for a Review Day review,
First Impressions:At first I like it, but then it sort of just ended without much solid feel to it, so, not quite sure what to think.
Positives:I like the fast paced, edgy feel that you have going on. It really works well with your topic and it makes me sense the urgent nature of things. So good on that.
I liked this part, mostly because of the isolation of the three words, "it just isn't." Such great power here, and it really makes you stop and think about the meaning because it isn't just given to you. This is a great tactic to use in writing, especially poetry, that is, to keep some things sort of covered in a bit of obscurity.
Negatives:
Okay, this part, to me, just feels a little...baby-ish. I don't know what it is, probably the fact that you used the word "cry," and in a very blatant and open form. Emotions are deep, and kept tight and locked away, so you should try to keep it to the same in your writings, as long as it's still fitting within the vision that you have, of course.
Here it feels like you're trying too hard by using big words like "finality" and "nothingness" right next to each other. It's like playing to of your favorite songs at the same time; they both sound good, but together it just turns into noise.
Overall:I thought that this piece had some good meaning and form to it, and when I read it in a more "rap-ish" kind of voice, it really worked out. It could use some extra force and art put into it.
I give it:
This is Kaos here for a review!
Quite the touchy topic that you tackle here and from the title I didn't really get a sense of what was going to be in the piece due to it being vague and I think it's best like that though I would have liked to see something that better fit this poem. Your lines have a lot of emotional weight and what I find to be truth behind them, especially near the end of the poem with the mentioning of parents and friends and everyone around that person and I think that this could have been made into a different style of poem where it focuses more on the people around someone whom has passed away.
This tackles the idea of suicide and while I didn't really like the first half of the poem for the kind of generic lines that you throw in here, the emotional weight that you have is something that makes up for that. That doesn't excuse the lack of imagery and other forms of poetic devices, which I'll get into that in a moment. Metaphor is something that I would have liked to see in this poem instead of being so upfront about everything in the poem. Define the feelings of emotion to fit the poem. Is it like being ran over by a lawnmower and being spat out to the side? Is it someone telling you that they love you and then that person punching you in the mouth? Define your emotions more than just emotion words.
The sentence structure in this, or at least the beginning of the sentences was weak due to you starting on words like but, because, it, and, everything of that sort. I'm not saying that in all places of the poem that this is bad but I do suggest cutting down on it and using stronger sentence starters. There's a powerful theme running through this and I think it would be stronger if the last line was a question because it's already proposed like one. It's a touchy subject that I feel is sometimes cliched or portrayed wrongly and we don't really get that here but we don't really get too much originality from this poem either. It's telling a theme that's already been told, which is okay, but we want more than just what's already been told. Give more of that unique perspective like the end of the poem.
I hope I helped and have a great day! If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I realize this is a sensitive topic and tried to tackle it the best I could in that way.
Dear AutoPilot,
First of all, I enjoyed this poem because it does steer into the negative, but it isn't a poem that commands suicide. It's not a threat to the narrator's life. What I mean is that there are a lot of poems that end with the narrator committing suicide. But, this one kind of steers clear with the sentence "But for all that suicide is / It just isn't" I really enjoyed that line, because it's really saying that there is no possible way I would do that. It does start to go into the 'why not' which covers the parents and the abandoned friends. The thing that I get from it is these are the only reasons why I wouldn't, and a lot of people are in that place where that REALLY is the ONLY reason. In which the poem is more realistic by having this context in it.
Second of all, I'm interested in the last line "But what can you do."
After just talking about the reasons why not to kill oneself, it's says but what can you do. I feel like it could go both ways to either (1) here are all these reasons but what can you do, I mean, you can't change the way they feel, or (2) but what can you do? suicide isn't an option so you just have to continue. I feel like this may have to be cleared a little easier, because it kind of leads towards (1) but the rest of the poem says (2).
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. It's positive compared to other posts you see elsewhere that say "The worst feeling is knowing you did the best you could and it wasn't good enough" and all those very negative posts. Even though this poem did have a negative depressed aura, it didn't result in "Ima go kill myself now." For that I am thankful to you.
Anyhow, I liked the poem a lot.
Sincerely,
bmnovelist