What Hurts The Most

You were never really ‘just there’

I didn’t even notice your existence until that one day

Your were fifteen and I was thirteen.

I was sitting behind you in Sunday school

You turned around and saw me

With almost no expression you took your hoodie off and handed it to me saying, “You look cold”

Except you knew that I am almost never cold, you just wanted to see me in your hoodie

As I pulled it on, my oldest brother glared daggers at you

You didn’t take notice, so I ignored him.

Your sister invited me to spend the night for her birthday, and of course I agreed

She and I played Minecraft, you mockingly called us nerds, and then walked back into your room to sort your Pokémon cards. Nerd.

Later on you gave me hugs. I like hugs.

At the end of the night we all ended up sleeping in the guest room, we were on the floor and she fell asleep at the computer, typical Christen

I woke up early, the beautiful sun shining in through the window

We admired the woods in your backyard as they bathed in the bright warmth

My first kiss happened that morning

You sister likes to say that her ship has sailed, she doesn’t know anything

That was almost two years ago, thirteen was an interesting year for me

We remained just friends, carefully keeping our distance

Months past, we became a little closer

I turned fourteen; you told me I was all grown up

Last year you turned seventeen and I turned fourteen, you are two and a half years older

Why is it that you don’t care how much older than me you are?

Our youth groups’ winter retreat was in January, you and I both went

We stayed by each other almost the whole weekend, our friends though it was hilarious.

After skiing; on the way home from Alpine,  we sat next to each other on the bus

I fell asleep on your shoulder with your arm around me, I got the older-brother talk from one of the youth workers, and later we laughed it off

We are a lot closer than we’ve ever been

But maybe that won’t always be

Dad is in the process of finding a job and all the stress that goes along with it

He is almost accepted for a job, but if he gets it we have to move

An hour and a half isn’t far, unless you have friends you have to leave

A couple of weeks ago I came into the church lobby looking for my sister and you

My brother said she had been crying in the bathroom, I was worried

I found you two, I asked if you had anything to do with her crying, and threated to kick your ass if you did

My face was twisted up in a ferocious, protective anger

You were mildly amused, “It wasn’t me, and it’s just what is going on right now”

I was confused for a minute, what did you mean?

“With your dad” you clarified

My face went from angry to tired

I sat down with Eden; I put my arm around her, as if I could protect her from the sadness in us

You crouched in front of me and placed your hands on my knees

Your face was calm, but was that pain behind your façade? “When are you moving?” The words came quietly, almost a whisper

I grasped for an answer, “I don’t know,” I told you, “We might not.” I still cling to that bit of hope

Now when I see you, you hug me, you tell me it’s going to be all right

I stay next to you; with you at my side I can be strong

But even when I am strong, I am still far too weak.

You always notice the stress, the fatigue, the anger, the sadness.

You ask what is wrong, you try to help. But in the end, if I leave you, it won’t matter

Because I will eventually have to leave you, leave my other friends, leave this place where we are now

And this safe haven I have found in you will disappear.

You won’t always be there, and deep down inside-though I won’t admit it- that’s the part that hurts the most