Lying awake
Wide awake
Thinking
Wishing
Remembering
Sleep is truant, tonight
Reading
Drawing
Listening
Music is teasing sleep from afar
The quiet
Peace
Calm
I feel my conscience slipping away
Sleep slips in late
Like a rebellious teen
After curfew
But at last
It comes
Like a soft shadow
It invades
My mind is numb
But finally
I sleep
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139,316 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
Okay, so I loved the flow and format of this poem. Overall I didn't really see anything I can say that was particularly bad. To be quiet honest loved it and I felt it related to me in more than one way. So you get an A from me on this poem.
-continue to write and I will continue to read,
from your friend Kwanza Tehuti Taylor
Hey autopilot! Fangirl here....
Okay you maybe wondering wat I'm doing review-ing this work of your so late.... And seriously if u ask me I don't know either ... I just got these instincts to check everyone's first work submit! So yeah here u go...
I'm not gonna point out anything though cause I feel others already did that job..
But seriously this was something I can relate to. Some nights I just lay awake wanting to sleep but not being able to... U pened (is that a word?) quite nicely..
Overall it's a pretty work...
Your awesome friend
FD46~
(rashi)
Hey autopilot! Fangirl here....
Okay you maybe wondering wat I'm doing review-ing this work of your so late.... And seriously if u ask me I don't know either ... I just got these instincts to check everyone's first work submit! So yeah here u go...
I'm not gonna point out anything though cause I feel others already did that job..
But seriously this was something I can relate to. Some nights I just lay awake wanting to sleep but not being able to... U pened (is that a word?) quite nicely..
Overall it's a pretty work...
Your awesome friend
FD46~
(rashi)
*cringes* did I really write this?
*laughs* yes you did! And I know that feeling lol!
oh good Lord, excuse me while I burn the physical copy >.<
Lol! But don't do so... It's ur first work here... It shows just how much you have improved....
Lol! But don't do so... It's ur first work here... It shows just how much you have improved....
Lol! But don't do so... It's ur first work here... It shows just how much you have improved....
Lol! But don't do so... It's ur first work here... It shows just how much you have improved....
Okay, I won't
Hey, Autopilot. A late welcome to YWS! I hope you stick around.
Sleep is truant, tonight
don't seem to be together. When I first read it, I read the poem as "But at last, it comes like a soft shadow. It invades. My mind is numb." The "It invades" line seemed awfully out of place. But if you punctuated it differently, it makes more sense and is more pleasant to read. Try this:The title didn't bother me as much as the previous reviewer because it defines the kind of sleep that the speaker wants, but at the same time, sleep is generally a nighttime activity (or people assume it is), so I'm not sure that night is needed in the title.
Your poem conveys a feeling that lots of people can connect to. I like some of your words, as well. Like the image of the teenager coming home late. And the idea of sleep being truant. It connects with the teenager because truancy brings thoughts of skipping school and things like that.
That being said, there are a few things that could be changed to make the poem a lot better.
I don't feel like the poem really starts until "Sleep is truant, tonight." Then after that, it meanders a bit more into one word lines that really don't have that much impact. If you're going for impact, you need longer lines to contrast with the shorter lines, and all of your lines are pretty short. I suggest that you take out all of the lines in italics except for the very last line. Furthermore, the first two lines of the poem are better illustrated later in the poem, so I'd consider cutting those, too. Basically, drop everything but the rebellious teenager part, and then expand on that a little.
I suggest keeping this as the poem:
Spoiler
Sleep slips in late
Like a rebellious teen
After curfew
But at last
It comes
Like a soft shadow
It invades
My mind is numb
But finally
I sleep
Personally, I'd combine some lines as well. Short lines might look nice, but they're often just not as effective as one would like them to be. Plus, don't be afraid of punctuation. This needs some to make some lines clear. The lines
Just start by punctuating the poem as if it was a piece of prose.
I mentioned earlier that I'd like to see an expansion on the idea of the rebellious teen. Instead of using the word rebellious, describe the teen that represents sleep here. Are they a punk, complete with sharp spikes and a leather jacket? Did they sneak out for the first time? Are they usually the good child, just now finding out about the rest of the world? Did she come back from the club, drunk on happiness? The characteristics of the teen transfer over to the kind of sleep that the speaker seeks. Also, incorporate more of the senses into the poem. You use sight and sound (kind of) in the form of music, but if you don't keep that part, make sure you add more description in the nice little meaty part that you should keep.
Writing is rewriting, and I hope that this review helps you start on the rewriting process. I enjoyed reading and reviewing this. Happy writing!
I see what you mean, reading it now I look and see exactly what you mean. :p Now I need to start editing, I will keep in mind what you have said and judge accordingly.
I will say in this poems defense, it was written at 2 in the morning and I was really tired and trying to fall asleep.
Thanks for your review!
Hey, man, that's the best time to write poetry. Write sleepy, edit while awake, that's what I always say. ;p
Writing is so much easier when you are half asleep...
My grammar isn't great at the best of times but damn your title annoys me. You've written a nice poem sort thing (It's not your typical type of poem so that's why I said "sort thing" I'll explain further after this point) but the title is so ugly sounding that it takes from the poem.The title sounds like broken English making you sound inexperienced.
what I meant when saying it's not a typical poem is that it's very open-ended. I'm sure there is some poetic term for what you've done here and what I feel you've done is simply listed lots of words and unfinished sentences in order to give the reader freedom to evoke their own thoughts and feelings. I really enjoyed this technique.
Hope I wasn't too harsh about the title but it really needs to go.I otherwise enjoyed this piece.
keep on writing x
First off, thanks for your review!
Second off, I totally agree with you on the title. I couldn't find just the right one because it kept slipping off into hiding. I hate it when titles evade discovery.