I open my mouth to say what’s inside,
But then I close it, because nothing comes out.
All the words make sense when they are still in my mind,
But speaking them is another story
---
Closing my eyes I visualize,
The song that comes from my soul,
My lips part to release the words,
But my throat closes up instead.
---
I hum the silent verses,
I whisper the unsaid words,
I quietly hear the melody,
But it’s all inside my head.
---
Do you hear it?
I whisper the question
Hear what? You ask, confused
The silent song inside,
---
The silent song of all unsaid things,
Of tired and sleepless nights,
Of smiles and jokes and flirting,
Of pain and anger and fights.
---
I dance to the silent music,
Twirling leaping then still,
I stand there contemplating,
The true meaning of the song I sing.
---
Falling to my knees I cry,
My tears of blood run down my face.
I tear at the broken glass under my skin,
And begin the song again.
---
I slowly stand up,
And squaring my shoulders again,
I realize that my silent song,
Can no longer hurt me.
---
I smile at the world,
Fake as it may be,
I dance to the silent music,
As it fades into the night
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
swiggity swooty
man you got me moody
I really enjoyed your poem I think it was very powerful. There are a lot of people out there that can say they feel the same way, and that we all have things we want to say but can't really say them. From the entire poem I saw that you need a little help with punctuation, other than that the poem was amazing and very touching. Personally I felt the emotions upon reading this, it almost brought me to tears. Continue writing and expressing yourself no matter what you are feeling. I hope I was able to help out a little bit, and to see more of your work.
Hi, Sagi here!
First of all, this poem is stunning. I sense undertones of being talked over in the sense that no-one will listen to what this person needs to say. A very thoughtful way of writing a poem. You've made sure to convey everything you feel within each line, and it takes a good bit of effort to do that. I congratulate you on this!
Two things - your spacing. To the reader, this looks like one long stanza. The spacing system on YWS is a little strange and different from most other sites - if you want to space out your poem into stanzas, you'll need to put some kind of marker, for example...
And so on.
These two sets of lines caught my eye while I was reading. The rhythm in the first is too long in my opinion, and in the last it is too short. While your poem reads fine as it is, it feels almost jarred with one or two awkward rhythms. For the first, I'd suggest splitting the second line like so -
For the second, it will require a little rephrasing. Perhaps something like "for the very last time" or "for the last time in forever"?
Apart from these things, your poem is wonderful. I feel like I can sympathise with this very much - I often feel outnumbered and drowned out. Keep writing and good luck in life!
-Sagi
Hey!
I really enjoyed this poem and I'd thought I'd give it a review. Hope I'm helpful!
Story:
I think this poem is about someone who is hurting and tries/wants to tell someone their pain that they are hiding. This person is unable to let the words out so they choose to just smile and try and get over it on their own but them something happens...to them...like death? (I don't know the last line says, for the last time which makes me think that maybe the narrator died?)
Title:
I felt the title fit the poem well since you mention the phrase multiple times in the poem and because it fits the idea/interpretation I got of you poem.
Grammar/Punctuation/Confusing Sentences:
I think you're in need of some punctuation since there are times where I wondered if a sentence ended or not. It would help the reader get a better understanding of the flow. Though, I didn't find any specific sentences that were confusing.
Relate-ibility factor:
I found this poem to be very relate-able since I am one to bottle up my emotions and such. I relate to this a lot as well because I've dealt with depressed and intense loneliness so I know how the narrator feels and I can really understand the emotions in this poem.
Summary:
Okay so I really enjoyed this poem. I related to it a lot and I think you just need to add some punctuation to help the reader understand it better. I think the story was easy to understand which is good if that's what you're going for (I usually go the mystery route).
I hope my review my helpful and if you need any help or have any questions you can PM me
~Alice
Thanks for the review!
Don't laugh, I forgot all about punctuation... Oops. I'll fix that
I think you totally got this poem, I'm not so sure about the end either. I kind of just cut off at the end, and it was wrong. But I don't know how to end it... any ideas?
I won't
I think the end should maybe be like, fade into the night or something. Like the main character fades into the night when they are dancing... I don't know xD I mean I liked your ending a lot I was just unsure if they died or something xD
Is that a little better?
Mmmm well it depends do you want the narrator to be happy at the end or dead and sad? Because it sounds like they killed themselves
le sigh
It's a hard choice... I don't know. I wish there was a way I could combine the two. To make it like... maybe happy and dead? It is hard when you don't know where you want to go with something.
Well maybe think of a mysterious ending. I think the ending you have now is great.