Whiteout

Hi AutoPilot, Felistia here with a review on your poem.

First off, welcome to YWS. I hope you have fun on the site.

Rhythm: The rhythm you present feels a bit start and stop, because you don't combine sentences that feel like they really need to be joined like in this example
(The snow is no longer coming down slowly

the clouds release their bright white loads)

It really feels like it should be

(The snow is no longer coming down slowly

as the clouds release their bright white loads)
but this is just my opinion. Feel free to ignore me.


Grammar and punctuation: As far as I can see there aren't any mistakes, but then I am not an expert at all.

Subject: I really like the subject you choose to use. I really like winter, the way you describe it in this poem is great and gives me a great picture in my head of what is happening. The last line sums up the entire poem really well and is a great way to end such a beautiful piece.

Suggestions: Okay so I have one small suggestion. There is a little bit of repetitiveness in this part.

(Like powder sugar on a gingerbread house

It powders the world around us)
I would suggest replacing the powder in the first sentence with soft.

Over all it was a great poem and I look forward to more of your work. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.

Hello! ^^

Now first off, I'm not big on poetry.
Though I do love reading any kind of literature revolved around winter or snow in general.

And I must say, I really love this poem! It gave me a gentle vision of windy snowfall.
Makes me think of last year when I stood outside to get into my car and I was suddenly blasted with white and I just remained standing there. Afterwards my face looked like I had partially transformed into a snowman. xD

Though, I'd just like to point out a couple lines that kind of irked me.

- the clouds release their bright white loads
- All because of a beautiful whiteout

The first one I mentioned seems kind of uh.. suggestive, despite not being intended.
Maybe a better word is in order? lol sorry, I also kind of chuckled at it.
Not in a bad way! I'm just a silly person.

And as for the last line, the 'whiteout' part doesn't suit it in my opinion. White outs aren't beautiful. Are they? I'm not sure, I end up thinking of that white paste I use to correct errors I made in pen on important documents! lol

But anyway! Really cute poem! Would definitely love to read more. ^^/

Gahh.... I just realized that I hate the last verse...

Gahh.... I just realized that I hate the last verse...