"Do you want to dance?"
The words smoothly came out.
I was a little bit astonished,
Where we were was no place to dance.
*
"You mean right here?"
I looked around the area.
A grungy basketball court,
Was never a place to be graceful in rhythm.
*
"Yes, right here."
He said blissfully.
There was no hesitation.
To him a downtown rundown court was perfect.
*
"Use your imagination."
His eyes shined so bright.
I just looked in confusion.
"Just give this idea a chance." He glistened.
*
"Do you hear that?"
I listened to distant sirens.
He then took my hand.
"That is the sound of a soft slow song."
*
"Do you see that light?"
I looked up to see a street light.
It was flickering like a firefly.
"That is our disco ball that lights up your face so beautifully."
*
"Now, all we need is love."
A smile had flooded my face.
I didn't need to imagine that.
The love we had shone brighter than a full moon.
*
"Can I have this dance?"
He held out his hand for me to take.
We then slowly swayed back and forth.
He held me close in his warm and comforting embrace.
*
It was then I realized.
I had fallen so hard for a guy,
Who dared to dance to a distant siren
On an old rundown downtown basketball court.
*
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey there, this Review Day I've decided to dabble in some poetry! I don't really read or write poetry, so I have no idea what I'm talking about. Instead of trying to critique technique, since I would probably lead you astray, I'll give you my impressions as a reader, and you can decide if it's the desired effect or not
I love this poem. The idea behind it is so beautiful, and the imagery is very nicely done. I love the flickering light, and his imagination and character to say how this is their disco ball, and they should dance on the grungy court. Wonderful! And I loved the line "Who dared to dance to a distant siren."
I will say I didn't like all the adverbs. Coming from the land of novels and short stories, I find adverbs can weaken description, and as a rule of thumb I'm always saying that an adverb is often as sign that you haven't found the right verb yet. Verbs are so powerfully descriptive, that leaning on an adverb steals a big source of vivid imagery. "Smoothly" and "blissfully" really stood out to me as not being as strong as the rest of the poem, so I wonder if you could replace them with a more powerful verb?
Overall though, fantastic job! Loved it. Thanks for sharing and happy writing!
Hello Anna, It's Merguls here.
I truly love the poem. What a romance. It was very descriptive and it felt as if you were there to witness the romantic event go down. It proves that love can happen anywhere, a beautiful place, or an old rundown basketball court. There was absolutely positively nothing wrong with the poem in any way.
Keep doing what you do, poems or not poems. If they are poems, I'm pretty sure you can do a lovely job.
Dear Annaclare,
And I must say, it is very beautiful. It's not often you read anything of true romance and love anymore. But this held a trueness and a certain innocence that has captured my attention. =)
EccentricRose is dancing in, to review your work.
I haven't found anything wrong with it. So I'll leave the harsh reviewing to those who know what they are doing more than me...if anything, everything flowed perfectly and I wasn't confused at all while reading it. You set up a romantic setting in my mind as I read it, even though it was a dumpy old basketball court. Bravo!
Keep writing, and keep believeing in what you do. That's what is important. =)
~Rose
Beautiful! :')