I had a dream last night.
I slowly walked over to you,
and I gently rested my head
upon your muscular chest.
*
You put your arm around me.
You tenderly kissed my head,
and quietly whispered in my ear,
"No words can describe my love for you."
*
I positioned my head upwards,
Making our brown eyes meet,
A smile appeared on my face
as I delicately kissed your lips.
*
I fell asleep that night
tangled up in your warm embrace.
You asked me politely as I dozed off,
"What could be better than this?"
*
I looked up at your defined face.
I caressed my hand on you jawline,
I knew exactly what I was going to say,
but with much dismay, I woke up.
*
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi.
Dream as a topic. It is surely interesting one. Like all poems with dream I have seen in my life, yours is a little different, making it lovely.
Your title is My Dream Last Night. Before I looked into the poem, I thought this poem tells the things in the dream world, but it isn't. Thus this is a romantic poem (and honestly I dislike romantic poem) that tells the things that the speaker (persona) does after the dream he/she had last night. From the first till the fourth lines, I guess he/she had a pretty bad dream, a nightmare.
What I think you did was truly wrong was, what's the relationship between dream and the persona's love life? Thus I feel the lines below are quite bad and gibberish.
Why, after the *unknown* dream, the person speaking to the persona whispered the "No words can describe my love for you."? Please, to avoid confusing the readers, describe the dream or I hate you (Just kidding though...). And yet, you even confused me with the last phrase,
Was the persona dream inside of his/her dream? The thing I would like to stress here is, PLEASE EXPLAIN AND DESCRIBE MORE!
Thanks for sharing your good work. I hope I helped ya! Forgive me for my choice of words..
~NicolMemo
Hey! Chocolatecello here!
So im currently writing on a mobile device while multitasking so this wont be the best review.
The only problem I really noticed (Like i said, mobile device, not easy to take in the details) was you changed the point of view. Well, not point of view but... I dont know how to describe it-
Okay so the first 2 paragraph/verses you refer to the second person as 'you' and in the rest of the paragaphs/verses you refer to the second person as 'him'. Keep the person consistant (either you or him the entire time)
Also 'asked polietly' sounds out of place. If they're in love, he shouldn't be 'asking polietly'. Its not a question that could be rude otherwise so making it polite it uneeded.
Okay! Just finished reviewing at 1%!
Loved the poem though! Great theme and story.
Keep writing!
-chocolatecello
Hey Annaclare,
---So I know that by adding an extra word it kind of makes this line stick out a bit but it just flows a little better. You don't have to keep if you don't want to, it's merely a suggestion.Myjaspercat here to give you a review...
Ok, so first thing that I have to say is that I really liked this poem. Normally I find most 'love' poetry (one's I write included) to be rather cliché. Though your piece had a few places where I felt that cliché feeling, I still thought it wasn't as bad as most. Anyway before I start to ramble on I think we should get to it.
---So here I cut out the second 'you' because the repetitiveness makes it sound a little to wordy. Also without it, your lines still sound ok.
Ok other then those two nit-picks I don't find anything really wrong with this piece. I hope I helped some though. Good job, continue writing and have any questions feel free to ask. ---Myjaspercat.