Hello there!
I think this was a very cute idea, and you did way better executing it than I thought you would.
I found the hidden poem, and the non-hidden poem were quite the opposite to each other. Not the content so much as the flow, I suppose. The hidden poem if very short, and doesn't elaborate very much at all. In fact it's quite generic (not to be mean), and a bit empty feeling (also not to be mean).
Then your non-hidden poem goes into a lot more detail, the only problem it's doing a lot of compensating in order for the hidden poem to work. Because you were trying to make the hidden poem fit, you used words in places that I doubt you would have if you hadn't needed them there. And you also used far more words. Why is this a problem? Because it makes your work bulky and hard to read. It's the same reason most people think rhyming shouldn't be in poetry; you spend most of your time trying to think of what rhymes with "Hercules", but not a lot on whether you wanted "cheese" in your poem.
I still like the idea you had though. c:
I'd also suggest using some similes. Imagery is what is so enjoyable about poetry- being able to see a scene woven together like the fraying stitches on your pajama pants (I'm terrible at it, as you can see).
Anyway, this was a fun read! Keep it up!
-Socks
) Cheers!
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