Festoon my nape
in a tangle of the 90’s telephone cord
which I’ve eagerly pulled off the wall
each time you bothered to call
when we would talk for hours on end
‘till I nodded off and had to sleep.
It was almost as if
my hands were bound by the expectant ring
that sent me running down the dim hall
and when I had missed your call
I replayed your voicemails.
It’s so quiet,
not being around anymore,
moved out from the old apartment
of existence and life;
and suddenly I recalled,
you had never texted me before
but even
the police thought, surely
you had texted me a day before;
in anger, or lust, or sadness,
perhaps, before my death date
but even here I can still hear
the crack of your voice,
Sounding throughout the vacant house,
soon to be occupied by a young family
with a daughter of three, and a son of two;
and here you stand
in the telephone booth,
fingering the strand of black coiled wire
clenched through the spaces
between your fingers,
leaving only a filthy dime,
clattering against the city cement -
my phone still rings to this day;
But you already know
it's automatically hung up.
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hi fizzygirl here doing a review!
I don't feel this piece has any flaws it just seems perfect, I mean maybe there should have been one more comma but I think it's minor flaws add to it's charachter, and off course that's important in a good poem. It's relatable even though it might be dark and sad but it's realistic and I think you capture what many teenage pros go through at one time or another.
The poem stands out and it engages it's reader into the poem and almost forces you to read on, and of course this is good. No spelling mistakes which makes it easier to read and all grammar is excellent. Altogether I think this is an amazing poem and keep writing!
Hey there! Shey here for a review!
I was reading through some poetry when I saw this, and I had to review it. I see you've already gotten a few other reviews, but I just wanted to have a say.
I don't normally review things that aren't in the Green Room because they usually aren't still in need of reviews, but I had to for this piece.
This piece is dark, which is a theme I've noticed with your works. However, it's still a great piece that I enjoyed. The ending left me with a feeling I can't describe, but that means you did a good job. Leaving the reader with such a heavy ending is impressive, so bravo.
The rhythm of this piece was also quite good. It never felt rushed or off, and so I didn't get lost reading some parts of it.
Overall, this was an amazing piece that I needed to compliment so that you might keep my compliments in mind for future works. Anyhow, keep up the great work!
-Shey
Hi Aleta,
I'm here to leave a few thoughts.
Like fortis, I love the nostalgic way this starts with the phone chord. That first stanza is really excellent at setting a nice tone and image for the piece. We've got a little conflict right off the bat with the missed calls and voicemails and somewhat of a mystery.
And then in the second stanza, I feel a disconnect, suddenly we don't have a homephone anymore but are talking about texting. Hmm.. what happened to the speaker? It seems that some time has passed and the conflict from stanza 1 has expounded into something involving the police. And then at the very end we hear the ominous last two lines, "perhaps, before my death date - my phone still rings to this day".
I paused after reading this for a bit, and just couldn't quite figure the mystery out. I think that maybe we need another stanza in the middle or something. Right now there are just a lot of unanswered questions for me, which are intriguing but also just a bit too ambiguous.
I like the continuity of the phone theme from stanza to stanza. This says a lot without having to spell out conversations or the relationship between speakers. I just would like to see more of that conflict and mystery directly spelled out in my opinion. And maybe a bit more figurative language especially in that second stanza, because right now the action is all pretty direct.
Overall I liked the sentiments expressed in the piece, and the first stanza really had quite nice flow and word choice throughout. Best of luck in your writing and feel free to reach out if you have any questions about my review.
~alliyah
Thanks, I tried to make it more clear. your commentary helped.
Hey I like the additions, that does add some clarity. Nice work!
Hello!
I really like the tone of this piece. It's so nostalgic and just a little resentful. That's how I read it, anyway.
It starts with a very strong image with the 90's telephone cord. I know exactly what you mean here. Although when you said "pulled off the wall" at first I thought you meant like, rip it out of the wall.
The ending leaves me questioning. What death? Why are the police involved? I ended up with the impression that the narrator died, but I'm not sure if that really happened. I think maybe a little more clarity there might be in order. "Not being around anymore" sorta goes with the death idea, but "moving to a new apartment" seems to negate that?
Is it emotional that they've never texted because they only had your home phone and now that you've moved away, they can't call anymore? I'm just a little confused here. Although the tone is kept really well, and the little poetic turn in the last line is well-executed!
The title is nice! I like the little pun, and it seems to go well with the content as well.
Honestly, I just think that a little more narrative clarity is what this poem really needs. It doesn't need much else, I think!
Great job!
Keep writing!
I hope this review helped you!
~fortis
Thanks, I tried to make it more clear. your commentary helped.
Ooh those are some nice additions! I like the clarity you added. Awesome job!