On the lake's canopy a thousand stars gleam,
shedding a holy glow on pools of blue,
to the cities, alleys, and slums
to the drunk in the streets
and children bundled in their sheets,
reaching the ground in which men forever sleep,
Illuminating limp carcasses, lady moon's sorrowful reap,
baptized in the waters, as corpses flow, down, down
the black lagoon like lily pads,
plucked by the poor children,
down by the creek
where the lanterns of night sky forever see,
coughing its last light on mangled bodies,
And the mothers, fathers, sons, daughters
lovers, wives, and husbands who cradle them.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Very eerie. I got chills while reading this, but it also suggests something else....quiet misery. People who are suffering that aren't noticed.
I like this piece a lot, though some of the lines (reap could be replaced because it's not technically describing a harvest) need a bit of work. Overall it was a chillingly beautiful piece with amazing imagery and a strong message. Well done!
Wow, excellent job! This piece really creates an eerie, haunting feel that I'm in love with. You provoke great emotion and such pull on the reader.
The word choice you make throughout the poem is original and concise. Yet, there's a languid almost organic feel to the poem at the same time. You do a great job of submerging the reader into this picture you paint.
I do have a few minor critiques, but nothing to major.
"coughing its last light on mangled bodies," I feel as though 'coughing' isn't quite the right word for some reason. Perhaps that's just me though.
Also, I like the couplet at the end, but I'm not sure it has enough oomph. Perhaps take a look at the end again? If you feel the last two lines complete the poem, that's entirely up to you, but it's just a suggestion.
Anyway, after all my ramblings, great job! I thoroughly enjoyed this piece.
Happy writing,
Kali L.
Thanks!
Hey Aleta!
This was a beautiful poem with a much more beautiful meaning. Are you really only 13?
Your skills call for a detailed review, here goes:
Instead of using "to" in the start of the third and fourth lines, I'd use "past". This gives a more determined feel. As if the light is aimed at only those men who have passed away.
I thought that the order of the lines would be better if they went from the parts of the world and the places that need the least amount of help from God to the most. This shows how important the dead men are, them being ranked above even the most miserable people. for this, you would probably need to add something more. maybe one or two more places to pass. I also though that just after the second line you could have put "to the drunk in the streets" to give a contradiction of holiness and impurity.
All these suggestions are up to you to take up though.
Your last line is beyond perfect.
I don't understand how the illumination of the corpses is the moon shines reap? Wasn't t the stars' glow. If you want to add this bit Id combine this and the next part so it means that the waters are more baptized with the light of the moon. Or the moonlight wanting to come and assist the stars in their effort to pay tribute to the dead.
The long vowels of the "down" make it sound like a long way. I like that effect.
I cant quite get what you wanted to say about the lilies being plucked by the children, surely the children don't come close to these flowing bodies...
If it's their desperate attempt to get their loved ones back I'd use a more stronger word than pluck to put the idea through to the reader.
Up till now the scene is serene and peaceful but when you introduce mangled bodies, I suddenly am affected by bad images. If this was your intention, great job! But if you wanted it more peaceful till the end, I'd let go of the "mangled" part.
I love the idea of the lanterns "coughing" out light. maybe they cannot bear to see the miserable scene. In this case, I'd add something more softer to show that its not a violent cough or angry at the least. Maybe "Coughing its last blurred light?" to show its teary eyes..Tell me if you can think of anything. I'd love to hear!
For the above two stanzas. I'd end with a period/full stop, instead of a comma. But that's up to you.
I'd continue the "forever" ending and say --- who forever cradle them or who will forever cradle them.
A beutiful last two lines and so good in arousing feelings in the reader even of the feeling are sad.
You can really write poetry! So don't stop!
~ILived
I really appreciate this commentary! Your comments made my poem sound better. I am actually 13 but I don't write forced poetry only when an idea comes to my mind so maybe that's why it might sound like I'm older. Thanks!