Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Physical bodies
weigh me down man.
I just wanted to fly,
but I had no wings in the first place.
So I started the rituals.
I did some crazy shit with candles.
Power was the only thing
that mattered at the time to me.
Chanting, sweat budding on my chest;
I was just a guy trying to sell his soul,
cause somehow to me that was the normal shit.
But it wasn't enough. And like a tyrant
I raged on. Craving it like I craved life.
I was a leech that never stopped growing.
Pumped full of blood, vehemently denying
donations for the dying. Sacrificing it all...
But it took a toll, the negativity weighing me down,
but I didn't care. Why would I now, if ever?
Ha. So I delved deeper, and tasted all I could taste
all the flavors of the devilish spectrum.
I brought things alive with my mind,
and I coddled them like a mother would
to the hungry infant wailing at her chest.
It was a splurge and I spent it all.
I've come full circle, but I will never be
who I thought I used to be,
cause the old me hopped in a grave way too long ago.
These days I just rest my head on the shower wall
and mourn for everything I made myself lose.
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139,507 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hi Tiana here for a review.
I really like this poem. It's got a dark and kinda film noir vibe about it. I love your use of cynicism and sarcasm in this, which is present in lines with "shit", "ha", and just the language you've used. At first I was sort of unsure about the use of these words as I thought it humoured the poem a bit, but after finishing it I realise that 'tis been added for a somewhat satanic effect.
The first thing I think you can improve on is your lines. Make them longer. The first two lines "physical bodies / weigh me down", with this I truly think this can be one line. Unless some sort of emphasis is trying to be created I don't think having separate lines is necessary in the slightest.
Moreover, your writing style is good, full of similes and metaphors, but I think now you can expand on this and make it more YOU. add a twist to it.
Hope this helped
Tiana
Hi Tiana here for a review.
I really like this poem. It's got a dark and kinda film noir vibe about it. I love your use of cynicism and sarcasm in this, which is present in lines with "shit", "ha", and just the language you've used. At first I was sort of unsure about the use of these words as I thought it humoured the poem a bit, but after finishing it I realise that 'tis been added for a somewhat satanic effect.
The first thing I think you can improve on is your lines. Make them longer. The first two lines "physical bodies / weigh me down", with this I truly think this can be one line. Unless some sort of emphasis is trying to be created I don't think having separate lines is necessary in the slightest.
Moreover, your writing style is good, full of similes and metaphors, but I think now you can expand on this and make it more YOU. add a twist to it.
Hope this helped
Tiana
Legacy here for a review.
I haven't read a poem with this kind of content. (I honestly wish there was more written like this). I could totally hear this as a spoken poem.
You have the imagery, I could see this happening in front of my eyes as I was reading. You also tell a clear story (which some poems don't) and I personally love poems that tell a story.
The only critique that I would have to say is that you would start a thought at the end of a line sometimes and then have it drag down into the next line. It's totally a stylistic choice but it can become confusing to people that read poetry line by line (like me) so keep that in mind.
Overall, this is a really nice poem. There might be some editing if you want to, but if you don't, it still looks like a final draft to me. Nice job, Legacy. (Let me know if you ever turn this into a spoken poem, I would love to listen to it).
Hi again! He, I keep finding myself coming to your poems! I love them!
So, another review, yet again, another series of sweets and sours. Let's get started.
This poem is by far my favorite out of all the ones of yours that I have read. It's dark, which I like, and it's menacing. The mood of this poem was epic! I loved it! Well, I'm ranting...eh, let's just do the sweets first.
A. The title was well written. A good title is key in writing, as it is the first thing a viewer sees, and you absolutely nailed it on the title. Good job!
B. As I said before, the mood was amazing. Dark and sweet, and it really gave me a feel for what was happening to this character. All the words you used really enhanced the poem.
For sours, there really wasn't much.
I think the only thing was that the sentences and lines weren't placed properly. It was kind of difficult to read when they were chopped up. But other than that, no problems!
I think the best line in this poem, would be "vehemently denying donations for the dying." This line rhymed, it was deep, and well placed. Good job!
Keep up the good work!
-Akelia