z

Young Writers Society



Saxophone of the Undead(v.2)

by Aleta


Jazz thrums down a deserted night street,
oscillating with down and blue, giddy and glad beats
and snakes its way past the oily ebony rivers,
whose curvy body pulses with swooning beguile,
and with swarms of shiny black beetle shells.
The water creeps and crawls by the sleeping dead,
passing quiet houses, lulled by children’s dreams.
And the river glides by a dead corpse, and for he
she lets out a high pitched sough of dastardly melody.
Like Apollo, whose lyre draws every animal near;
the dead man facedown on the flagstones, once splayed all out,
jerked upward with a great cry, as if he endured a shock to the brain.

Like a flock of mind controlled sheep, they arose as Undead
their brains rotted, nails peeled, yet their hearts beat;
and they wafted about, gliding on rain slickened streets
with the grace of nosferatu and the morn’s fluid mists.
By the chime of the waves, they walked upon their high stilts,
eagerly approaching as rats squealed under their leather boots.
Ravens cawed above, lamenting for the city of death;
death and dying which spread like the Black Plague.
Come to me, the waters blathered hysterically, come children!

They dropped in, one by one, with no registration
of care on their pale drawn faces.
Clink, clink, clink, and down they go;
sitting like wishing pennies on the floor of a fountain.


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284 Reviews


Points: 4250
Reviews: 284

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Sun Jun 25, 2017 2:24 pm
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RubyRed wrote a review...



Hello, Aleta!

Although, the title didn't really lure me into reading this, I'm glad I did because it was like magic to my ears! If you read this work aloud it almost gives you the chills. *shivers* I was going to write a long lengthy review, but that wouldn't do this justice because I loved it, and couldn't find a thing wrong with it! I also can't believe you're 13... you have a natural talent for sure! Keep writing and I hope to read future works from you!

~Ruby




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77 Reviews


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Reviews: 77

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Sun Jun 25, 2017 8:13 am
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RadiantShadow wrote a review...



Hey Hey there!
I'm here to give you a review, its been a while so I'm a bit rusty. ;)

I will give you some comments after a first reading then I will re read it and give you more specific comments on the 3 separate stanzas.

After first reading:

Marvelous! A lot of thought was clearly given into this piece, and it flows perfectly. The images created are spectacular and very well put together, however the use of the persona is a tad bit confusing at times.

Detailed critique, 1st stanza:

Overall its was a solid stanza however there were some moments which were not cohesive. For example, you start off taking about Jazz and you say its oscillating (which means swinging) then in the same stanza you refer to it as beats. I know why you chose that particular word since it has to do with music however if you are going to use it try not to put it in the same verse.
Keeping focus on the same verse for a moment, I can't quite understand what you meant by 'down' and 'blue' I'm assuming you mean dawn?
Skipping to these two verses: "And the river glides by a dead corpse, and for he
she lets out a high pitched sough of dastardly melody."
Is it he or she? I can see it as both if you are talking about the river but if you are referring to the corpse then it seems, to me, like a bit of an error.

Detailed critique, 2nd stanza:

The way you described the zombies rising was just epic.
The 'high stilts' was a nice addition, since its not typical with the actual zombie scene and it gives a bit of a devil circus vibe.
'death and dying which spread like the Black Plague.' - in that line I would have added 'for' in the beginning since it sounds better if you read it aloud, and it gives a more sophisticated feel.

3rd-stanza, well I can't really see anything there that can be improved so well done!


I loved the gist of it, you have amazing talent and dedication please keep up the good work! :D





What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though.
— J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye