z

Young Writers Society



Dead Girl's Kiss

by Aleta


Asleep on a wood park bench,
she lay under the polished dime moon,
under the swaying tempo of pale hands 
pulling on the hems of her lace dress.
The poor girl was left bare and shuddering,
her milky feathers plucked and dead.

Wrenching her from her hometown and all she knew,
into the unhinged jaws of the wood, down its belly,
to the beat of its restless thump thump heart,
delivered by her father's insistent grip.

She's a young beauty, sailing
across the canal of stars now,
remarks the Sunday papers.

Her eyelashes blend dark ink into
pretty night skies; running down her
paper arms she's your moon and stars,
and all the more, this I fear.
Up above a mortal's arms-length,
my fingertips strain to tug her by the shoes,
back down from a lonely ole rest,
she would never wake from again.

And the clouds blow her back down,
in content little gusts,
to the dream in which I prayed
she would wave a good-hello,
and a hack a hoarse good-bye.
She drifts like a dandelion seed,
amiss and knocking, she stumbles.

On welcome mats she pleads and crawls,
but never mine.
Turning my back on a honey glazed sun,
until the backdrop of periwinkle skies
glosses over all my terrible troubles,
and silhouettes the girl who was never there,
no longer a reminder of her blonde hair.

But this I have known,
of the angels and corpses above,
who'd gladly cradle a shallow girl over salt and rivers,
to the ferryman who lent a kind hand; but kind was not
kind to me.
He seemed generous, even when he looked back
on her water logged corpse.

I will remember that day I saw her in the park,
healthy and ripe, a smile on her sleepy face.
Her name dwindling on my tongue, horrified
I'd forgotten; words stolen by biting winds.

So I bury my longings and crimes by a kiss,
sealed by the dead girl's blue lips.


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176 Reviews


Points: 1983
Reviews: 176

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Sun Mar 26, 2017 2:55 pm
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sheysse wrote a review...



Sheyren's Review
~of Dead Girl's Kiss~


Hey there, Aleta! \(^。^ ) Shey here for a review!

I loved this poem. It was haunting in a beautiful way. I rarely read romantic poems about murder victims, so it was a refreshing spin on the common topic of love.

This was a basically perfect, but I have one comment. I suggest adding a bit more formatting. Wow, that feels weird. Usually I tell people to use less formatting. The reason I suggest this is because you have a nice poem here, but it gets a little boring. You have one type of formatting, plain. Plain formatting can work well sometimes, but for this specific poem I say it hurts it more than helps it.

Other than that, I've got nothing to comment on. This was a really wonderful poem, which as RyleighInWonderland said, it could really be published. Keep up the great work, cause I look forward to seeing more!

-Shey




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8 Reviews


Points: 180
Reviews: 8

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Mon Mar 13, 2017 5:58 pm
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RyleighInWonderland wrote a review...



I thought the poem was very beautifully written, and it could honestly be published in my opinion. Thanks for creating something so amazing!

But there are of course a view criticisms.
My first of only a few are the lack of quotations around

"She's a young beauty, sailing
across the canal of stars now,
remarks her mother."
I didn't realize anyone was speaking the line until the end, and it was slightly confusing.

And my literally only other criticism is the last line. "Dead girl's fish lips" It sounds a bit out of place and doesn't go with the rest of the poem (unless that's what you intended).

Thanks again for writing! I hoped I helped!




Aleta says...


Thanks for pointing those out to me! You did help, thank you.




I was promis'd on a time, To have a reason for my rhyme: From that time unto this season, I receiv'd nor rhyme nor reason.
— Edmund Spenser