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Garden of Night

by Aleta


Come and frolick in the wild gardens of night,
to the recesses of my Stygian mind.
Dance with me under the yellow crook of the moon,
take my hand and wade with me, and let your chin dip
down into the welcoming black waters.
Let the scent of honeysuckle enrich the air,
and alleviate all of your earthly pains.
It's a fairytale land, and we can dress up
as its immortal kings and queens.

We've had no company, my friends and I,
no friends, no lovers, so you're our first!
By tree limb to tree limb do they and I leap,
no more than a flash of fawn fur,
gleaming under a sickly canvas of light.

Some of the creatures are giddy,
some unfriendly and sad, others cheerful.
Look, one ambles over now! Here, 
stick out your hand. Feel her wet nose.
Aw! She's taken a liking to you.
And her eyes, how dashing they are;
they glitter like pole stars and twinkling lights.
I really hope you stay for another hour,
or for a sweet rest under these gnarled trees.

I welcome you all the time;
so, come again to our budding gardens,
and help me plant these little flowers of mine.


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47 Reviews


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Reviews: 47

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Sun May 28, 2017 11:55 pm
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SubSubLibrarian wrote a review...



Aleta, you've got some skills.
This poem is marvelous. I love the imagery and the vivid descriptions. Your poem paints a picture of fun and cheeriness. I can imagine myself in the Garden of Night as I read this poem. I especially like your description of the creature in lines 4-7 of stanza 3. I also like stanza 2. I don't agree with DragonNoir about the vocab. I think it's very colorful and descriptive.




Aleta says...


thanks!



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24 Reviews


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Sun May 28, 2017 4:36 pm
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tammy777 wrote a review...



Hi there

It is indeed a lovely poem. You described about the beauty of moonlight and trees. Moreover you also talked about the serenity and darkness existing along.

"We've had no company, my friends and I,
no friends, no lovers, so you're our first!
By tree limb to tree limb do they and I leap,
no more than a coruscate of fawn fur,
gleaming under a sickly canvas of light."- when I read it I felt like a monkey who got separated from her group and desperately missing her family and friends. I don't know if my feelings are funny or weird or serious but whatever it is I just fell it in this way. Hope you didn't mind and do understand instead of considering it funny.

Additionally, I enjoyed every bit of the poem and it is lovely and romantic. Keep writing.




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84 Reviews


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Sun May 28, 2017 4:22 pm
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DragonNoir wrote a review...



Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

I must say, I enjoyed this piece a lot! It has very vivid imagery and is very effective. However, you could try to use a little less complex words so that the reader doesn't have to check what a word means every two seconds. As well as this, I think you got a meaning wrong here:
"no more than a coruscate of fawn fur," From what I saw in my dictionary, 'coruscate' means 'to vivid flashes of light'. I don't know whether you spelled a word wrong, or whether I'm just dumb, but I'm putting it out there.
On a more positive note, I like how you made this piece sound like you combined a poem and a descriptive piece, it gives a very clear picture of what the story is about. It is also very enigmatic, which I think is effective too.

Overall, an amazing piece of poetry, but you could use some simpler words to keep the reader's attention on the piece and not their dictionary.
I hope my review helped! :)




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63 Reviews


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Sun May 28, 2017 3:07 am
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Werthan wrote a review...



I like a lot of the metaphors and imagery in this, but I frankly can't get over thinking that this sounds like Erlkönig, and thus something that the listener shouldn't want, even though it also comes off as not being supposed to be sinister like that. That also adds interesting understated meanings to a lot of the lines, but again, it doesn't come off as being suppose to be like that. The end "and help me plant these little flowers of mine" also sounds rather euphemistic and that also seems unintentional in this context considering this is a poem with no ratings on it.




Aleta says...


holyyyyy. you just made me realize that last line which is completely unintentional but now that i see it it makes it way more sinister. Thanks for this enlifghtening review
still laughing about the last part



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Sun May 28, 2017 1:01 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for another review on Review Day.

You're fond of semicolons and ellipses here, I see. What I don't enjoy is the misuse of them, particularly when they're used two in a row or regularly. It seems that they just keep popping up throughout the poem, semicolons in particular because I wanted to give a refresher on how they're supposed to be used. Semicolons are used to connect two independent clauses, which you do, but almost obsessively. I don't see the need in some places and instead it seems that you're using them just because you can. It doesn't help the aesthetic or make you or your poem look more intelligent, so I don't see the purpose.

If you could offer me an explanation there, I would happily listen. I share this opinion with your vocabulary here as well. It seems that you attempted to look up words or synonyms of words that sound pretty or smart, but it seems that you don't actually know the meaning behind them. Langorous, budding, grimy--all of these are adjectives that are added in without any real spice. Adjectives aren't going to make your poetry instantly stronger. Instead, put your focus on strong verbs and nouns.

There's an excessive use of adjectives in this poem and I wanted to point you in the other direction since sometimes, they do become excessive. Instead of just using adjectives to build the imagery of your piece, use figurative language. Use other means than just a single part of a sentence over and over because the structure becomes repetitive, and your readers will end up noticing that. The use of exclamation marks didn't particularly mark my fancy here and I found this to be rather vague, even though you explained this was your intention in your description of the poem.

The actual theme or message that you're trying to get across in this poem, akin to the last one that I reviewed, is lost underneath the vocabulary and other aspects that you put too much emphasis on. I'm unsure of what I'm suppose to feel or how I'm to react because of how you write the poem. I have trouble understanding what you mean due to your wording, and I suggest that you fix that or experiment around with fixing that.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image




Aleta says...


Eh I don't know really I just wrote this one like ten minutes ago and didn't edit it
I actually didn't google those adjectives as langrous means slow, kind of sleepy, grimy means filthy or dirty, and budding is like flowers that haven't come out all the way but are starting to bloom. it's probably sh*tty tho because i didn't take a second look at it



Aleta says...


alright just quickly edited it and tried to fix it up but i'll be back at this one later. thanks for your review! :)




Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle