Swim right, swim left. You will not find a way out, and you will suffocate if you step out. You cannot drown because you breathe the water.
Swimming in circles. "It's dead." A bloated little orange corpse. "We can buy another one." Flushed down the toilet. My obituary is a receipt, my corpse trash in the pipes of the world's workings. I am its sewage. Little goldfish.
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139,504 Literary Works • 672,591 Reviews
Beautiful.
Glad you enjoy it
Hey Aleta!
This a one of those poems that makes you happy sad (happy and sad at the same time)
I really like the way the poem goes. I have real issues with poems that do not rhyme, but this one does and it is amazing.
My favorite part was
''My obituary is a receipt,
my corpse trash in the pipes
of the world's workings.
I am its sewage.''
You have a nice hold on the language and the words.
I cant really critique the poem. Though it is terribly tiny, it is perfectly short.
Have a good day!
Cheers,
Alex Blackwell.
It's so deep! Brilliant! How I see it: It creates more meaning to "just a goldfish's death" and shows it's importances, of course, from another point of view. I love this so much—keep up the amazing work!
Thank you
oh! i really like this poem c:
Thanks Marmalade!
This is one of those story's that just takes over your body and just wants you to keep reading.
Today I will be going by stanza's.
"'Swim right, swim left.
You will not find a way out,
and you will
suffocate if you step out."' This is a really good way to start your story's. It was telling all of the right things about fish but putting them into a poem and right here is where I could just keep reading your story's.
"'You cannot drown
because you breathe the water.
Swimming in circles."' Right here is where I would say that the reader had to keep reading like me and I like the way you said you cannot drown because you breath the water and that is where I liked it and wanted to keep going.
"It's dead."
A bloated little orange corpse.
"We can buy another one."
Flushed down the toilet."' I know these were two different stanzas but I think that they go together really well and that you should put them together. Also I really like the way you just added them all together.
"'My obituary is a receipt,
my corpse trash in the pipes
of the world's workings.
I am its sewage.
Little goldfish."' This is a really good way to finish because you wrapped it up very well and you made everything in the story go together.
Keep writing and I hope to see you soon with more reviews.
Thanks
HEYA!
I like this because I feel like there's much much deeper meaning in this beyond the little goldfish. I feel that I myself and the goldfish, and heaven forbid I step beyond my boundaries and suffocate. This is what I imagine you were conveying, and it is an extremely lonely feeling. Insignificance, that's the word it reminds me of.
The poem feels a little choppy to me, but I think for the tone of the poem it fits fairly well. I do think the poem loses it's edge in the middle with the quotes, but I also feel like it gives it a certain pause that allows the poem to bridge to the next subtopic.
The only real concern I have is the line "because you breathe the water" Something about the word "the" in that sentence puts it off. Perhaps the word "this" would suit it, but I am uncertain.
Either way this was a really nice piece and I thank you kindly for writing it. Enjoy your day/night and write on!
Thanks for the review!