Lovelorn

Hey Aleta!

I really enjoyed this poem of yours. I connected to it on a very personal level. I know you as the author might have a different meaning behind it, but this is what it meant to me and what I took away from it:

To me it's about the pains of being alone and not having met someone you feel as though you can love. And even though you haven't met her, you know you love her and you know she's out there, but your paths in life are yet to cross, so you remain love sick and upset.

I recently have been dealing with some of this, a mix of missing an ex of mine/knowing the right girl for me is out there somewhere but I'm an impatient love sick kid.

Anyways, back to your poem. I'll highlight just a few of my many favorite lines in your poem:

"She reminds me of a city I will never see,
a place I will only glimpse through the rain." - This was a wonderful opening to this piece. Immediately sets the tone and message you want to paint for us.

"Her face is a memory of something on my mirror,
the hearts and sad messages wrote in vapor." - This is right after the last line I highlighted, and I love it just as much. More beautifully drawn imagery with a powerful message.

"I am lovelorn, bathing in unrequited intimacy
and still I sink further into the bath and its herbal waters." - This is one of my favorite lines. I can't quite explain how "herbal waters" does it for me, but it's brilliant.

Overall, this poem was very well done and wonderful read. It had a great flow and beautiful story to it.

I hope to see more of yours in the future

-Tom

Hi!

I'd like to say that this poem conveys your emotion without being overly dramatic or long, so great job with that.

Now I have a few small critiques.

"Her face is a memory of something on my mirror"
This is an interesting sentence, but the "something" makes it a bit vague. I think you could try combining that line with the next one. Possibly "Her face is a memory of hearts and sad messages written in vapor on my mirror". (That wasn't a great example, but I think that gives an idea about what I mean).

"Why is she always company to strangers, never I?"
I believe that the "I" should be "me". You may disagree with me, but I think that removing the "always" and the "and" would help the flow of the poem a bit.

Also relating to flow: I think changing "She has no name, and yet I know she's there" to "She has no name, yet I know she is there" may help.

Last thing. In a few places, you use weaker adjectives such as "sad messages" and "is it so bad to say". Using stronger adjectives will make those lines more powerful.

Your use of imagery is amazing. I especially like how you compared the dreary day to the bright and sunny girl.

Hi!

I'd like to say that this poem conveys your emotion without being overly dramatic or long, so great job with that.

Now I have a few small critiques.

"Her face is a memory of something on my mirror"
This is an interesting sentence, but the "something" makes it a bit vague. I think you could try combining that line with the next one. Possibly "Her face is a memory of hearts and sad messages written in vapor on my mirror". (That wasn't a great example, but I think that gives an idea about what I mean).

"Why is she always company to strangers, never I?"
I believe that the "I" should be "me". You may disagree with me, but I think that removing the "always" and the "and" would help the flow of the poem a bit.

Also relating to flow: I think changing "She has no name, and yet I know she's there" to "She has no name, yet I know she is there" may help.

Last thing. In a few places, you use weaker adjectives such as "sad messages" and "is it so bad to say". Using stronger adjectives will make those lines more powerful.

Your use of imagery is amazing. I especially like how you compared the dreary day to the bright and sunny girl.

Hello Aleta! Sumer here, just going to give you a quick review!

Alright, there isn't much about this poem that I can change or point out as wrong though I do see one thing that seems to confuse me just a bit. 'am I betrayed by my mind or my heart?' this is a great question for this poem but the only issue is, would he really be betrayed by his heart? If so, how? And the mind situation, yes I do believe it is up for debate whether he is having illusions or not but I would find it very helpful if you let the reader have small little hints because I don't think we have enough to go off of to know exactly what point you're trying to make here.

On the flip-side I would like to say the length of this poem is great, not too short or too long. The mystery at the very end of the poem gives it a great body I think for it makes you look back on the poem as a whole, not just line by line. Another thing would be that I love the details of the settings you list, you can almost feel the story coming at you. I believe this is very good work at you should continue w/ such great writing.

-Sumer

Wow!
Very interesting. I like the first stanza, how you work in rain, and then vapor on the mirror, puddles, herbal waters, and then she's the sun's radiance. It not only describes how the person in this poem feels about her, it also makes you think of gloomy, dreary things, which is what, I believe, the point of this poem is - the person in it is gloomy and dreary. But then, her being the sun's radiance! It give use a bit of hope, before we go back to the sad ending. Lots of emotions, none of them hard to understand, very cool! I honestly have no criticism.