As my circus laid in stones
I saw a cage on my way home
I told her that she'd never be alone
and now, I'm the one who's stoned...
may she bear this name, may she bear this part
I know she regrets killing my heart
I know she hates the monster she's made
It haunts her, I'm burned in her memory
-
Once upon a time I picked up a lion, found her in a cage
I had decided that she was worth being saved
I first welcomed her as a clown, then gave her a role
It's because I had a delusion that she wanted more
-
"I love you, you're my first, every thing will be okay
"Trust me, I'm here, just meet me half way
Now I'm all alone, yeah, look where it got me
You can sit in that cage alone, have a good day
-
may she bear this name, may she bear this part
I know she regrets killing my heart
I know she hates the monster she's made
It haunts her, I'm burned in her memory
I had a lion and Leo was her name!
Her flower was lillies and ill never be the same!
I grew to love her and something inside of me changed
My blossom stole my sanity, but my lily left me deranged
I'm not only abnormal but I'm also crazed
Save for dragon fruit I'll never trust again
-
Once upon a time a circus freak saw her lion
Things were peaceful until she pointed out the lyin
The lion cut things off, she didn't want to deal
Couldn't even look, admit that the relationship was real
-
may she bear this name, may she bear this part
I know she regrets killing my heart
I know she hates the monster she's made
I had a lion and Leo was her name!
Her flower was lillies and ill never be the same!
I grew to love her and something inside of me changed
My blossom stole my sanity, but my lily left me deranged
I'm not only abnormal but I'm also crazed
Save for dragon fruit I'll never trust again
-
My ghost haunts you, doesn't it?
You've got me in your memory, don't you?
Do you like being haunted?
You dragged me and left me for dead in a ditch
But the dead can't speak and I'm still here you goddamn-!!
-
may she bear this name, may she bear this part
I know she regrets killing my heart
I know she hates the monster she's made
It haunts her, I'm burned in her memory
I had a lion and Leo was her name!
Her flower was lillies and ill never be the same!
I grew to love her and something inside of me changed
My blossom stole my sanity, but my lily left me deranged
I'm not only abnormal but I'm also crazed
Save for dragon fruit I'll never trust again
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Hello there, Akira! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the frightful S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - The main character is reflecting on a part of her life where she was kind and took someone into her circus, only for that someone to break her apart, poison her heart.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that you meant to say “I’ll”, but that’s just one little thing.
Chocolate Bar - I love how the main character is described as a ghost haunting the lion that tore out her heart. She was very much left to be hollowed out, and turned into something of a monster, a being that will spread her anger out in the form of circus flames. I also like how you use flowers in your circus songs, it gives a beautiful but broken feel to it.
Closing Graham Cracker - She’s never going to forget that lion who ruined her life, or how the circus went in flames. She may as well be all gone, but the story isn’t done. With her memories comes vengeance, and with vengeance comes violence. A willingness to embrace insanity like never before.
I wish you a marvelous day/night! :>
Hi @AkiraEliza I'm here to do a short review on your poem, I haven't reviewed in awhile so it might not be my best but I'll try to give it all I have, so let jump right in
Wow this is a really strong and heart breaking start to this peace, but every line has been perfectly written to fit together wonderfully.
one thing I spotted in the first sentence is that there is double spacing in between the word in stones <-- if you look at the way I've written it you might pick it up not sure if this is deliberate or not if it is it might be better to do this in - stones
moving on
Hmm I'm not sure that lions going to enjoy being a circus animal, maybe it turns around an eats her when its older that would be tragic.
fun fact most circus I've heard of use tigers more then lions so it's interesting to see that you chose to do this with lions
last thing, this is a wonderful paragraph and I love it so much, it definitely has a lot of emotions behind it, only thing is I feel like it might be more impactful if it isn't repeated twice more afterwards, maybe instead of taking the other two paragraphs out completely, you could even just change some of the words a little and add stuff to it to make it seem different but yet the same, hope this makes sense.
So that's it for me I hope I wasn't be to harsh and if I was I'm really sorry that was not my intention at all, your a wonderful writer and I hope to see more of your works.
@Dossereana Flying Over Vintage Writings & Spreading Love And Peace
its okay, you were telling me how to get better! I don't think I'll change anything, though. this song has never really been my favorite and I honestly don't really care enough to fix it. I wrote it in the heat of the moment then kinda dropped it. but thank you for telling me how to get better! I'll keep that in mind for my newer songs.
Hyyyy hru? Great piece and really heartbreaking kinda, lol, I challenge you for a change, write a HAPPY piece okay?! But jokes aside, ur really creative. <3
thanks ^^ and there's a happy piece at the end :< so there.
lol alr! Sorry my comment got posted twice SO ANNOYING.
its fine!
YOU STILL HERE IM FINALLY AWAKE
Haha I AM HERE
HI BITCH WHATS UP
A test that is what. Lol, hruuu
gotta switch and go to lunch hold on
YUP
IM BACK YOU BETTER STILL BE ON
Sorryyyy
DAMN RIGHT YOU BETTER BE SORRY WHERE DID YOU GOOOO
WHERE ARE YOU NOW