Circus Note

This almost reads like a song because of your repeating stanza, “I got lefts box of broken promises” as a refrain. It feels like a chorus in the flow of the piece with you bringing it back four times. It makes the other stanzas feel like verses, and “twinkle twinkle little narcissist” feels like a bridge because you break your flow with a different syllabic count and pattern.

I like the use of circus imagery throughout, but I almost feel like the “circus note” metaphor is the weakest part of it, and it’s what the piece hinges on. Let me know if I’m interpreting it as you intended, but it reads like the circus is the scene det for you/the “clown” in which betrayal, abandonment, and broken promises play out. In other words, circus roles are assigned to people and broken relationships/trust.

I feel like while leaning into the idea of being a “clown” for trusting only to be left high and dry feels like a more obvious reach than a “circus note”, I think it’s what pulls it together.

The theme througout with the rose and flowers was a little lost on me - it seems to have multiple meanings but representd a different person each time. For thematic continuity, how does the flower imagery tie into the picture of a circus? Is it a play off someone’s name - “Rose?”

I think conceptually you have a strong foundation to work with. I think it could be reworked to feel tighter and more streamlined. Part of me feels you could cut out one if the middle refrains and it wouldn’t make much of a difference - telling me it may not need to be there/doesn’t add much to the flow.

I think the rhythm and rhyme in the narcissist stanza is one of the strongest things in this piece. It feels natural and I wonder if you just took that stanza and rebuilt around it if you could come up with something stronger and more evocative.

Those are the thoughts I have on this piece, but if you have any clarifying questions or want to talk about things more feel free to ask. Thanks for sharing this! I liked reading it.

Keep writing! - sound

Hello there, Akira! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the scary S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - The narrator has written a Circus Note, for she is done letting all of her thoughts fester within her. Even though she knows that deep down, nobody will care about the note, she writes anyway, for it is better to have it all clear-cut in paper than in the confusing muddle of the mind.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that you meant to write “one” for when she is talking about how they didn’t care to leave behind a note, but that is just one little thing. I know you said that you were thinking about rewriting this, but I think that it’s fine as is. If you disagree with that then you can edit it as you wish.

Chocolate Bar - I love all of the references to the old songs, like the mention of the Jester, the lion, and the rose. It’s nice to see the story connect. I also enjoyed the “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” verse in it (rewritten to better match the song, of course), it shows that what was supposed to bring joy had gotten malformed over time, leaving all emotions wrinkled and sour-smelling like a prune.

Closing Graham Cracker - The Circus Note was written with sorrow and fury, scribbled haphazardly to just let all of the feelings bleed out. Yet in the end, the note rots with dust, yellows with age, crumbles with time. The eyes that were meant to see it never glanced at it. It’s all gone.

I wish you a show stopping day/night! ^v^