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Damn.

by silverquill12


Damn.

How is it fair?

You’re so perfect

And I’m not

You

With your cuffed jeans

Chipped polish

And those freckles like nebulas

Across your face

All I think is

Damn.

-

Damn.

Why do you think he’s the one for you?

He’s so happy

And I’m not

You two

With your lunchroom looks

Classroom chats

He kisses those freckles like nebulas

Across your face

It breaks my heart

And all I think is

Damn.

-

Damn.

Why didn’t you guess he’d throw your heart away?

Now he hates you

Calls you “thot”

You cry

With your raindrop tears

Soft sniffles

Blurring those freckles like nebulas

Across your face

All I know is

Damn. 


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32 Reviews


Points: 1600
Reviews: 32

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Sun May 31, 2020 3:28 am
EthanHoover wrote a review...



Image

Hello SilverQuill! Ethan here for a review, brought to you by the gloriously earthy Team Raw Umber.

Great piece here, I love how it rides though the readers emotions as it turns from jealousy to almost pity. You did a good job of expressing yourself eloquently without feeling the need to dress everything up in flowery words, so kudos to you there. The poem flows very well, and I love your use of repetition here, very well orchestrated.

I also love how you used periods here, reserving them for the word "damn" and nothing else. You took something usually so commonplace and nigh meaningless and gave it so much oomph. Great job.

I'd usually critique your grammar or spelling right about now, but your poem seems pretty clean, so you have escaped my editorial wrath this time.

So like I said, you have a great poem here! It's really very good, and I look forward to reading more of your work soon! Keep of the good work!

--Ethan, captain of Team Raw Umber




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21 Reviews


Points: 224
Reviews: 21

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Sat May 23, 2020 5:50 am
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DeliriumNervosa wrote a review...



Hey!
I am here to leave a short review on your work.
I really enjoyed this poem! I love how you have used such a simple word to create such huge meaning! Damn is a word used in everyday language and I believe it is not given the credit it deserves. it is such a versatile word that can suit so many different circumstances. I applaud you on your wonderful use of the word Damn.

Delirium Nervosa




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38 Reviews


Points: 2948
Reviews: 38

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Mon May 18, 2020 3:33 am
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ChrisDixon wrote a review...



Hi silverquill12. I'm here for a short review.

First of all, I really love your poem, it's like the blue star shining under the moon upon the night sky. I love how you express "tears" as "raindrops". And how you describe freckles as a nebulas. It's an impressive poem.

Secondly, I want to suggest you that you use commas after some stanza. I know it's the poet's free will to write in the way they want to. You might have intended to do this, but in my opinion, you should use commas and words that have more meaning. I truly think this poem is amazing, and the suggestion is only from what I thought about your poem.


"Damn.

How is it fair?

You’re so perfect

And I’m not"

I think here you need a comma after "Damn" no a period to make the punctuation correct.

I suggest you say "How is this fair", or "How could this be fair" rather than "How is it fair.
If you say "How is it fair?" It's a bit unclear what you mean by "How is it fair?", what is it not fair or what could not be fair. I understood after I read twice, but still would suggest you think about that part.

Lastly, you keep on using contraction to say "he'd" or "he's". But I advise you that you just write "he is" than using contraction words.

Again your poem is a lovely piece you've created, and I'm glad I was able to read it.

Keep on writing!

Your reviewer,
ChrisDixon




ChrisDixon says...


Keep up the great work!





Thanks so much for your review!



ChrisDixon says...


You're welcome




"It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small."
— Neil Armstrong