Young Writers Society

Hey Silverquill. I've read a few of your past works on here, so I'm excited to finally review one. I'll be starting off with specifics, then moving on to the poem as a whole.

The first thing I noticed was the bio for this work, which reads:

The relationship of a single, forgetful mother and her daughter.

This is very pertinent information, I think, but it begs two questions. The first being, and I'm sorry for how stupid this is, in what sense is she single? Are you referring to the fact that you are only talking about one mother, or that she is the sole care provider for her daughter? In a lot of cases, something like this would hold no weight. However, for me as a reader, I wouldn't have comprehended the relationship between the two as quickly as I did if it wasn't for the bio.

That leads me to my second question. Why the bio? For some reason, it feels like the relationship (a vital part of this poem) is more strongly established in the description than it is in the poem itself. I think most writers use poetry as the 'art source' of interpretation, so it was intriguing how blunt the bio is. But let's say, hypothetically, I found the poem a different way. Would I still gather the relationship the same way?

Well.

I forgot

It’s your birthday today, isn’t it?

I promise

Next year I’ll remember

I know

Repetition, the same with any strict poetic format, limits what you're able to do in the poem. So far, I like this. It has a good sort of flow to it. What's important to keep in mind, especially later in this work, is keeping it consistent. Setting this up for yourself turns the poem from a 'no-rulez-at-all' poem to 'how-does-this-hold-up-its-own-goal' poem. More on this later.

You like gifts wrapped in pink paper, and

I know

You want a pony, and

I know

You hate cake and asked for Jell-O instead

This is very straightforward.

I mean, very.



With all due respect, something I had difficulty with was feeling a genuine, heartfelt connection between the two. The use of 'pink' and 'ponies' are THE cliches when talking about feminine youth. More so, they are blatantly stated. There is truly no human subtlety about this whatsoever. Are you talking about a real person or a caricature? With the final line, that specific detail can carry weight. It's still direct, which isn't necessarily the best thing, but you're describing a human quirk, not a general stereotype. If you were to rework this poem, I would recommend not making it so universally applicable, but instead rely on the small things. (Please feel free to ignore this, though).

I know this. Why did I forget?

Keep in mind!

I forgot

It was your birthday yesterday, wasn’t it?

I promise

We’ll celebrate this weekend

I know

Of course there's a shift in time here. The most well known poem on this website, My Best Friend is Gay, uses this device in similar fashion. A lot of poems do, even mine. It's a common thing, and in no way is this downplaying yours, the effectiveness of it depends on the content of the poem. I only bring this up because the other reviews talk about the change in atmosphere from stanza to stanza, but with the format you set out for yourself, there is never really a clear change. It depends on what the daughter likes. How the mother talks about her daughter never changes, only the traits of the daughter does. It's a pickle, having to uphold a poetic structure while trying to portray development.

Also the narrator kind of seems like a bad person, not going to lie.

You don’t like pink anymore, and

I know

You asked for concert tickets and makeup, and

I know

You’re off sugar at the moment

I know this. Why did I forget?

Quick thing. The age she is in is very unclear, primarily due to the line about sugar. Unless she's going to like, a JoJo Siwa concert, there is no definitive age she is at. 'Off sugar at the moment' is more of a 9-10 year old thing, makeup and concerts (the exact combination) is more 12-13. There is a significant difference between that. This is totally an unimportant comment.

I remember

It’s your birthday tomorrow, isn’t it?

I promise

I’ll always remember from now on

IT TOOK THE DEATH OF YOUR DAUGHTER TO REMEMBER THIS?

AHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHH

The lining of your casket is black, and

This is a striking line. Probably my favorite part of the work, but also probably my biggest problem. This is so so so so anti-climactic. I don't think there's any real build-up to this point, and when it happens, it just happens. Especially with the next line:

You shouldn’t have gone drinking with those friends, and

There is nothing subtle about this, and I think because of that, it's completely rid of emotions. This has a lot of potential, the build-up of this relationship, but it's dwindled down to straight forward statements. I think a lot of the emotion it seems like you want to portray can be delivered through indirect statements. Similar to what I said about the Jell-O line. You're not handling it in a way where it's like the narrator is separated from how they're feeling in this moment. Just be wary.

I know

I’ll always blame myself

I know this. Why can’t I forget?

Remember when I said to keep the last in mind? Because this was what I wanted to talk about.

Read these lines over and over again out loud. They make no sense in the scheme of the poem. At all. You changed 'I forgot' to 'I remember' in this last stanza, I think you can change this last line to something more biting in the context that she just lost her daughter.

Bringing this back to the bio, and the relationship between the mother and the daughter, it is oh-so-clear and completely-cloudy at the same time. There are lines where we know you are referring to a feminine figure. Yet, do we know who the narrator is to the subject? No, not really. It would take a lot of heavy inference to do so. Sometimes it feels like a mother-daughter connection makes sense, other times it could be any sort of blood kin.

And I only bring this up because, in the bio, you state the narrator as a 'single, forgetful mother'. Nothing, in the bio or in the poem itself, is said more. The bio for 'Your Birthday' decides for the reader how they should interpret it, but nothing is developed off of that. With how full-frontal this poem is, it doesn't feel naked. There's a lot of depths you can go to to make this poem more impactful, more cathartic, and more human. Seeds exist that demand to be grown. Right now, it's like reading soil.

(Not a bad thing! Planting seeds is a lot of work!)

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Sorry if it didn't make sense or if any of this was unhelpful.

Thanks,
Willard.