Young Writers Society

Hey, it is really an interesting work here. it kept me reading throughout. It does have potential and i can see really good concepts and ideas here. As people have mentioned earlier, corrections should be made in the formatting so it will not confuse the readers. from my point of view there was requirement of an explanation of how this thing happened along with why it happened. if that is there in the story, then it would be really good. I really loved how you have ended the story. the story really gives a very good and constant feel to the readers.

Overall i see a very good author in this script. please work on the review comments and feedbacks which people has given you. wish you all the very best.

Keep writing

Hey there! Night here for a quick review.

As earlier reviewers said, I felt that the formatting was off here. It made it difficult for the reader to follow very closely and made it choppy. I wasn't sure what genre this was, what with the description and the dialogue blended together. It's an interesting idea, although I felt it was underdeveloped. More background, more character development would have been lovely. I was a little confused as to how the woman died, why he was angry with her, whether they were lovers or had a slave/master relationship, etc. Clarify. You tell the story.

Overall, I felt this needed some work. You have an interesting idea but I feel it could have been executed better. Keep writing and you'll improve!

Thanks for sharing.

~Night

Okay. First things first, this could use better formatting. Right now, the dialogue, actions, and character tags all visually blend together, which makes keeping track of who is talking or acting tricky. I'd recommend following more conventional script formatting, such as the guidelines presented here. The important bits are how character names and locations are IN ALL CAPS and centered, and dialogue is not put between quotation marks. Since YWS doesn't really like indents, I'd also recommend setting off stage directions and such with italics, to help separate it more from the dialogue.

Just a little more attention paid to the formatting would make this a lot easier to read.

Your stage directions are also a bit lacking. For starters, there's no description of the set-up of the scene itself. The descriptions you do have are more at home in a short story than a script, since a script basically acts as the set of instructions for whoever is going to produce the show. Right now, if I were to try and produce this as a short play, I would have nothing to go on except that this takes place in a cemetery which is foggy. There's nothing about the type of mood the setting should help evoke in the audience, and there are no real stage directions, such as which way is Delvane running from/to.

These are all important things to include in a script.

There's also a number of details that are too small to be seen by an audience, such as sweat prickling the back of Delvane's neck. Those need to get cut out because how do you show sweat like that without an extreme closeup of Delvane's neck?

There were also a number of words which were misused, such as "ruthless" ("reckless" makes much more sense in context), "saunters" (not at all an appropriate word choice for the context of the scene), and "insipid". I would strongly recommend looking words up in a dictionary, especially less common ones, to ensure that they're being used properly. This includes checking words you're fairly certain you know the meaning of, because double-checking never hurts.

As for the story itself, for someone so badly injured and close to dying, Una is incredibly eloquent and verbose. Her entire monologue felt far too orchestrated to be genuine, and so it failed to get me to feel anything about anything she said. Instead of being profound, Una's monologue felt trite.

Delvane is an entirely unsympathetic character, and depicting him as such seems to have been a goal of this. I'm left wondering, though, what was the point of this piece. Delvane does not have a revelation, so there's no character arc or resolution to this.

Basically, Una gets herself killed. Delvane learns nothing.

It's really unsatisfying.

A strong story! I could feel the emotion radiating from the characters. The story fits the title perfectly.

Praises!!!
I loved it. I felt whey word. You had me with the names. They were very pretty.
you must remember this is a script, so it is all about dialogue. It doesn't matter what you write outside of the dialogue. Those are simply scenes, what it looks like. It can be totally and utter poop, but if the dialogue is perfect, which it was, you are set.
Honestly if this was a novela it would work perfectly, meaning it was over dramatic. If you are going for something real, then write it out then say it out loud. Ask yourself, would someone really say that?
Now if you converted this to a novel or a short, then it would make sense to use a word like insipid to describe at the end. If not just say she smiles he smiles she laughs he laughs. He moves arm and shakes her. Simple, but dialogue needs to be spot on.
good job man!
~Inked.