Something this short has got to affect the audience. Each word, each sentence, must be intimate, intricate, intense. You're not giving the reader much to read, so you have to make sure you deliver this paragraph with a punch.
your mask clamping your insipid face
Why is a mask covering her emotionless face? You're trying too hard here. Pick one and milk it. In fact, instead of just telling us what expression (or lack thereof) is on her face, show us. Describe what she looks like, her facial expressions, the look in her eyes. Is there makeup on her face? Bags under her eyes? Are her lips turned down in a frown or are they neutral?
It was a transparent type mask that fitted you perfectly, cloaking your fears that seemed so long gone, but in reality this fear feasted deeper within your flesh than ever before.
Look at the words I've emboldened. You switch tenses a lot in this sentence, as you can see. Pick a tense and keep with it.
Yes I can see through those tormenting eyes, that longed to cry but couldn’t, you can't hide from me foolish girl.
See the comma after "couldn't"? That should be a semicolon. Will make the sentence flow so much better.
the pain that kills every inch of you like a parasite robbing its prey
I find this to be a weird comparison to use. Well, actually, it's a good one to use, but it doesn't feel complete. Perhaps tag on "of life" to the end of the sentence?
the torment that wrenches at your heart,
You already used torment to describe the eyes. Try a different word.
the you that you cannot see,
You put emphasis on the wrong words here. I think it would work best if you put emphasis on other. Also, perhaps change "Well I was the girl" to "well, I'm you" so it reads >> Well, I'm you - the other you, the you that you cannot see.
I am everything you once was
Were*
Well, this was pretty interesting! I like the amount of description and imagery in this, but be warned, it can definitely kill a story for you if you overdo it. For something of this length, I don't think you overdid it. You were close, in my opinion, but you didn't use five adjectives for one thing, so that was good.
However, I do think you failed to deliver the main point of this. I'm not even sure what the main point was. The title is "I Saw You" (which I think should be changed to "I See You") so I know the point was to describe what the narrator is seeing, which is themselves(?) But I want to know why. Why does it matter? Why are you going through the trouble of telling us how this girl looks and that you're keeping her alive but you don't tell us why?
Other than that, this was really good and I enjoyed reading it. I hope you take what I said into consideration. Hopefully this review helped. Thank you for sharing this.
~Iggy
Points: 4261
Reviews: 933
Donate