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It's Better

by Cithara


It’s better to feel weakness than to feel nothing at all
It’s better to have failed then to have not tried
It’s better to have fallen than to not have jumped
It’s better to say goodbye then to have never said hello

I look at you and wonder what would happen if our eyes had never met
If our hearts had never soared
If our hands had never shaken
I look at the hidden and see their fears

How opportunity was in their grasp
But their fingers were too uncertain so the chance slipped away
And they could never catch it again
I caught you      

     And never let you go


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Sat Sep 13, 2014 7:24 pm
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elysian says...



I just wanted to tell you this looks like a poem now! Well done :p xD




Thewriter13 says...


Thanks ^^



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Sat Sep 13, 2014 1:28 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

First of all, this poem is great, so hush ;P

I totally started writing this review like, two days ago. I don't know why it took me so long to finish ><

It’s better to feel weakness than to feel nothing at all
It’s better to have failed then to have not tried
It’s better to have fallen than to not have jumped
It’s better to say goodbye then to have never said hello

One nitpick here: 'then' should be 'than', both times you used it. Each of these first four lines are using the "better to have ___ than".

What I actually wanted to say about these four lines though, is that it would work really well as its own stanza. I was debating whether or not to mention this because I think the poem works well as it is. Although, I ultimately decided to mention it because it seems to be a different subject than the rest of the poem. These four lines are all talking about what thing is better than the other. Then from lines 5 on, the subject seems to switch to love. There seems to be a natural pause in the story of the poem at that moment.

I find this a very interesting poem because it's basically the opposite of what I was thinking at the beginning. I guess you could say that it's ironic in that case :3 Once I started reading about what is better than other things, I was thinking that this poem would be about heartache and loss. By the fifth line though, I realized that it's about the opposite. The speaker is actually thinking of all that could've gone wrong but didn't. That's something I've never really seen before. I like it!

It’s better to have fallen than to not have jumped

Since some others have mentioned this line, I figured I'd mention it too. What fort and Vereen have pointed out is true. Taken literally this line seems pretty harsh (harsh meaning someone is being harsh to themselves when deciding to jump from somewhere). However, taken as figurative language, it's a great line. The speaker is mentioning all of these things that are better than the other. Why not throw jumping into there? I see it as a metaphor for trying new things. If you try something new and fall, it was better than not jumping into it at all.

I want to talk about your last line for a moment.

First, let me get out of the way my comment about the structure of the last line. Why is it separate like that? I noticed that in "Ode to Braces" you did the same thing with a few of your lines, but I'm pretty sure that was just because it's an ode and that's the form odes take. So is this another type of poem that has a specific structure?? I'm just curious, really.

Now, doing a quick flyby of this poem, I notice that there are two stanzas. The first stanza is 12 lines long while the second stanza is 1 line, this being the last line. It looks quite appealing to the eye that way, actually. It's like one big clump and then boom, the last line. What I'm concerned about however, is the emphasis that is now put on that line.
And never letting go

Now I'm forced to read this line as its own and really think about it since there's nothing else around it. I'm having trouble deciding whether I think it works like this or doesn't. Noelle, stop being so indecisive On one hand, it really emphasizes the fact that the speaker will never let the auditor go (does that term still apply outside of dramatic monologues?? It should if it doesn't...). The readers really get to see the passion and determination the speaker has for the relationship and wants to keep it alive long and well. On the other hand though, it seems almost like an incomplete thought. "And never let you go". Never let him/her go from what? Never let them go from where? The last line being separated puts such great emphasis on it (have I said that enough times in this review?? *rolls eyes*) and therefore really forces the reader to think. Whether the reader gets the right idea out of it or not depends on them, I guess.

It’s better to feel weakness than to feel nothing at all
It’s better to have failed then to have not tried
It’s better to have fallen than to not have jumped
It’s better to say goodbye then to have never said hello
I look at you and wonder what would happen if our eyes had never met
If our hearts had never soared
If our hands had never shaken
I look at the hidden and see their fears

Sorry to pull out a huge chunk like this, but I want to point out the repetition that I think it so great here. The first four lines start: It's, It's, It's, It's. Then the next four lines start: I, If, If, I. The second four lines have a sandwich repetition, as I call it. There's the word 'I', then 'If' is repeated twice, then 'I' is repeated again. The repetition really gives the poem a certain rhythm that I think it totally needed here. I like it!

I look at the hidden and see their fears

These 'hidden'; is the speaker referring to those around him/her that are hiding from the truth of their own feelings for someone? That's my guess. The problem with this line here is that the speaker is looking at their lover, as mentioned in line 5, and then all of the sudden she/he is looking at something hidden. There needs to be a transition there or a description as to what/who the speaker is now looking at. Otherwise the readers are forced to assume that this 'hidden' is the auditor.

Lastly, where is the punctuation in this poem?? You could've done so much more with the rhythm and playing with the way the poem could be read. Think about some places you could add in some punctuation. Whether you use it or not is entirely up to you of course, but think about it, yeah?

Overall, another good poem here. Could you have done more with it? Yes, of course. There can always be more to a poem. Does it work the way it is now? Yes. Is it great the way it is now?? Well... hehe, just kidding. Yes, it's great now. This poem to me is a sweet little message from a girl/boy to their lover, saying how they'll never let them go. The message came across very clear to us through the words you chose. I really enjoyed reading it! My favorite part is the repetition of the first words of the lines. It really sets the tone for the pace and rhythm of the poem. Very nice.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Thewriter13 says...


*sigh* Noelle, you are just amazing. I was planning on breaking the stanzas today, because many others had mentioned this issue. You beat me to it, though, but I'm definitely doing it today.
You're definitely right with the falling part. I wasn't trying to make it literal at all. Since it was interpreted that way, maybe I could tone it down? Thanks for the great ideas and for the help! Noelle, you is da best ;)



Noelle says...


Hmm... I'm not sure you could really make that any clearer without coming right out and saying "This is figurative language here!" xDD The thing I notice about poetry is that people are either going to get it or they won't. You could write a poem completely through figurative language and everyone could get the wrong idea. So the line is fine, me thinks. Some people just won't get it. Which is okay and completely understandable.



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Sat Sep 13, 2014 1:30 am
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fortis wrote a review...



Hello!
I like this poem. It makes me happy. It rings with truth.

Okay, so I do like how you started the first couple lines with the same couple words, but I also don't like it. I usually try to avoid that kind of thing, because even though it's purposeful it still looks and sounds a little awkward.

Then the poem changes. And it changes pretty drastically. I think that's a call for a new stanza.
Then it changes again. Again, I think it should have another stanza.

I look at the hidden and see their fears

I was a little bit confused by this line. Who are "the hidden?" Perhaps you could clarify that?
I'd also like to here more on this part of the poem.

I think part of the appeal of this poem is its simplicity. People understand what you're saying. You aren't using some over-the-top metaphor. You're saying things that people can understand.

One line did seem a little weird for me, and it's the one that (surprisingly) VeerenVKS pointed out. I was thinking his exact situation. "What if you jump and fall and die? The it wouldn't have been better. What do you get by jumping anyway?" But I guess I was thinking a little too literally, and less in terms of relationships.

I actually don't have anything to add. I hardly ever do ask to add anything specific, because if you add exactly what I say, then it's not in your style-- it's partly my poem. I usually just ask for change, or for taking away (which is all poems usually need).

I like the ending, and I like what you did with the spacing there.
I do think the author's note is a little intrusive. It disrupted my reading. :(

Honestly, that's all I have for this poem. I don't know what else to say!
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis




Thewriter13 says...


Thank you for the review fort! I'll take out the Author's Note :D so sorry for that intrusion. I'll definitely make the stanzas, since that was mentioned by a couple other reviewers. I was gonna get to it, but school took over >.< I appreciate all of your help, and there is definitely going to be a reward for this ^^



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Fri Sep 12, 2014 4:44 pm
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GrinningMan wrote a review...



It's a nice little poem, I like it. Messages can be given in any form, whether it's story or poem. I feel that poems get it across better because you can write less, and chop out bits that aren't as meaningful. I like the piece you've done here, and, while I don't always agree with this message given my view on humanity...

Erm, before I go off topic, I should rephrase that I like your work, and I enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing.




Thewriter13 says...


Thanks



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Fri Sep 12, 2014 1:54 am
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veeren says...



It’s better to have fallen than to not have jumped


i feel like i must note
this summer i decided to jump to do... something, and fell, and ended up in crutches for three weeks
so i must conclude
it was not better to have fallen
in fact i quite constantly regret it


i joke, seriously, good work xp




Thewriter13 says...


Ouch! >.< I shall not do that anytime soon :P



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Thu Sep 11, 2014 12:52 pm
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Skydreamer wrote a review...



This review is going to give me my next star, so I love you, writer! xD

-*-


First off I feel like if you had spaced it out a little bit more it would have worked a bit better.

Like after your "It's better to feel..."

I look at you and wonder what would happen if our eyes had never met


That line should be on it's own.

Next I'm gonna mention rhythm and pattern, you said "It's better..." four times, and then you ended that repetitive streak and continued on with "If our hearts..." but you only used it twice. I feel like if you had used "If our hearts..." four times there would be a more specific rhythm rather than just a repetitiveness with "It's better..."

I look at the hidden and see their fears
How opportunity was in their grasp
But their fingers were too uncertain so the chance slipped away
And they could never catch it again


This part is very different to the rest of the poem, as you are talking about other people where you were talking about one person before. That said I like this, I just feel like it again should be separated from the previous line.

As for you ending I really loved it! I like your poem, I just feel the rhythm and pattern could be edited as well as spacing! x)

Keep writing! <3




Thewriter13 says...


I definitely will do the spacing when I have time today :D That really helps! And congrats on that star ;)



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Thu Sep 11, 2014 3:14 am
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IamTraunt wrote a review...



Hey Writer! A review here for you :3

It’s better to feel weakness than to feel nothing at all

This is very true. If we feel weak, we try to get out of that rug and overcome it - which will only make us stronger. Very deep. Very deep indeed.

It’s better to have failed then to have not tried

Soooo true. I mean, if you hadn't have tried - how would you have known if you would have failed/succeeded?

It’s better to have fallen than to not have jumped

True. How would you have gotten to the other side if you hadn't tried?

It’s better to say goodbye then to have never said hello

^ MY FAVOURITE LINE. I loveeeeeed this. I hate my goodbyes, but love my hellos. So if I'd never said hello I would have been double-y sad :( I'm hoping this means a goodbye till next time... Cos I hate goodbye goodbyes.

I look at you and wonder what would happen if our eyes had never met

Oooo. Romance.

If our hearts had never soared
If our hands had never shaken

Awwwwwww. Writer!!! The feels <3

I look at the hidden and see their fears
How opportunity was in their grasp
But their fingers were too uncertain so the chance slipped away
And they could never catch it again
I caught you

G'aggghhh... I LOVE IT ALL! I can't pick a favourite now...! This is so emotive. I loved it to pieces. Forget cliche! This is just so dreamy and oh-so wonderful.

Great piece! I cannot complain!

Yours sincerely,
Traunt




Thewriter13 says...


XD Traunt you are the best, honestly
Dem feels tho



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Wed Sep 10, 2014 9:55 pm
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NewOldPoet wrote a review...



Hello there, I love it!

Specially the second part, it looks for me like two separate stories
The first part you are talking to yourself, like with your inner thoughts
(all lines starting with "It's better")

In the second part you are talking to your love one (love it!)

Then attention goes to a third party as an example of lost opportunities --maybe you can elaborate more detail there as for how you introduce them to your story--

Then the end: "I caught you and never let you go" comes somehow all of the sudden, I think that your story begs for more.

Hope this is useful,

Keep up the excellent work!

NewOldPoet




Thewriter13 says...


This is definitely useful :D *gives you chocolate as a reward*
Thank you for your help! :)



NewOldPoet says...


Congratulations, good for you!

Thanks!



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Wed Sep 10, 2014 9:43 pm
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elysian wrote a review...



Hey! Kam here to review!

Okay, so the first thing I see in this is how many times you repeat "It's better to" And then after the first four lines it stops, looks kind of weird. Maybe every other line you could do the "It's better to" thing, but it disrupts the flow to change it so suddenly.

I also notice when I first see this poem is the line length, there's two long lines, and a lot of short ones. Try and make it more average with the length.

Other than that, this poem is well written. Sometimes cliche is okay, as long as you twist it a little! I think you can change it into two stanzas. I'll try and show you some natural breaks.

"It’s better to have fallen than to not have jumped
It’s better to say goodbye then to have never said hello
*
I look at you and wonder what would happen if our eyes had never met
If our hearts had never soared"

AND

"If our hands had never shaken
I look at the hidden and see their fears
*
How opportunity was in their grasp
But their fingers were too uncertain so the chance slipped away"

I don't know. The second one is kinda of weird with the way you wrote it. But as of structure, that's where the break would be.

I'd love to see it if you decide to edit!

- Kamryn




Thewriter13 says...


You're very right in all you say :D
I wasn't thinking much about structure or anything, actually when I wrote this, because I was just writing and writing and never took the time to really look at it. But this helps a lot :D
I promised all who reviewed chocolate
*gives you chocolate*
I'll try to find the time to edit it when school stops being rude ;) Thanks!



elysian says...


I know what you mean! All of my poems I just write. I hope this doesn't seem smug, but I think I just naturally have a good sense of line length xD



Thewriter13 says...


Not smug at all ;) I do most of the time, but with this I was like "mehh"
XD Your poems are really good, by the way



elysian says...


Thanks! I also enjoy reading your poems ;) xD



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Wed Sep 10, 2014 7:19 pm
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dogsrule5 wrote a review...



Don't worry about this. This was great, I mean you could at on to this, but I certainly don't think you have to, I think it is good the way it is. I don't think it sounds cliché at all. So don't worry about it, you are an ellencent writer, and I love everything that I have read from you, I haven't read all of you poems, or novels, books, etc. But of all the things I have read of yours, I loved it, just like this. Alright.. On to other things...

I didn't really see any nitpicks. I mean you have been on this site just since June, and you have picked up a lot of things... Great job!

I think that is all I have to say, and don't worry about this as much as I think you are it is fine, and I am sure others will love it to!

Love,
Dogsrule5.




Thewriter13 says...


Thanks! :D



dogsrule5 says...


You are so welcome! Keep writing!




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