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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Oh look! Its Salian! My autocorrects tells me his name is actually Selena.
And now! Review!
So far, I have critiqued your little plot details more than your grammar, so I thought i would focus this on grammar. The last sentence part, after but, needs to be rephrased to avoid repetition of the I. Consider: "but a glance at Arianna's ship told they hadn't sighted land yet.
Storm? Oh yes! I love storms!
You should not tell an action right before you show it. I mean, why would anyone wring their shirt and let it flap around....unless they are bonkers....or drying it out.
I'm not so interested in whether or not i wear back the shirt, but in where i put it. You take a moment to toss my shirt into my cabin but unless I have a cabin with a very large window, which...obviously we do not have, since we have kept prisoners in here before, we would have to be standing outside of the cabin.
The best place for a wide view of the water would be on the forecastlé, because it has a high vantage point. Now, captain's quarters are usually depicted as directly under the forecastlè, or rear, since captains take the best, aka top deck's, cabin. Unless Salian is really generous to his mates. Which is not possible.
There could only be two explanations for tossing the shirt into the cabin.
One: he walked to his cabin to deposit the shirt, from where he was standing on the foredeck or directly below the mast, receiving reports from the scout up top.
Two: the cabin has a large hole in its roof connecting to the forecastlê from which Salian regularly tosses things into or out of his cabin, which could have included Arianna.
Waiiit a minute. Sunlight dancing around a person warms him? i thought sunlight through a person did the job much better.
The shirt was washed out, there is wind, but mud still remain on Salian. Out on the deep ocean, with a pounding storm. That is one hardy patch of mud, which gets defeated by a miracle cloth...from where? Or is this guy in his cabin? Why would there be dirt in his cabin?
You see, you are telling a story, but what I think is happening is you have a set, some characters, and a general ending you want to reach with certain major plot points. What you need to do is make all these points mesh together. Which is not happening. Sometimes the in between is more interesting and can hold more secrets than the "major" points. Let's take this example of a cloth. Now. Let us also assume that Salian is indeed in his cabin.
Don't you see how the addition of this piece of cloth greatly enriches your plot? Perhaps it is a relic from a past event? Is it a family heirloom? Not anything you want from that direction? Great! Is it a general issue towel on the ship? Or did the ship's boy just clean it? What about that cleaning? Was the towel dipped in poison? Cologne?
Can't you see there are just so many possibilities from one cloth! You could tell a story of assassination with this one piece of cloth, or the backstory of a major character!
Well...a captain who doesn't know his own crew well and gives officer appointments to people for reasons he cannot recall. Not. A. Good. Idea.
Also master gunners in small places. This gunner has no gun does he? I mean cannons are pretty big. At least big enough to stretch half the deck especially if you have several cannons. You also would need space to work them, and space to stack ball and powder. Also space to have a delivery line for the balls and powder from the lower decks. May not be lots of headroom, but certainly not small.
This dialogue line. It is rather lame. Even if Salian is not bossy as a captain, he should give an order like he knows what is going to happen or as though he is directing said events. This would be better phrased as "from now, all cannons will be ready to fire at a moment's notice." Don't add the part about the until I say otherwise, yet.
Use this as a foil for the conversation to continue.
Here give Salian some of his evil back. Make him give vague warnings. Like. "Perhaps. Be prepared. Unload them only on my orders."
See what I did there? Or rather. Read what I did there? I gave Salian a sense of authority.
Me likes I. In one sentence, me can has three I'ses. Try using specific body parts. Like. My hands toy with the necklace. Or. As ghastly scenes of the Royal Navy bearing down on Ari and I surge through my traitor mind.
Do keep in mind that when Salian is thinking of Arianna, he thinks Ari and not arianna.
I do not understand how its is possible for the metal to remain cool while being touched. Or to lose heat so fast it becomes cold again by the time it touches his chest.
Oh i just remembered. Salian is walkin around his ship without a shirt.
Was he looking out to her ship and did he see a beautiful sight? Or did he look into his own necklace. I know you compared the two, but the picture needs to be more vivid. No need to say anything about opening, just hint at it strongly.
And now. A point of offense regarding the coincidental nature of the following story part.
Right. This. There is a whole bunch of coincidental occurrences. The ships pull together as land is sighted? A railing conveniently standing by waiting to be grabbed? A hidden cove? A boulder formation? We know nothing about how they know of the cove. Nothing of how the cove looks like. Nothing of how deep the water is. Nothing.
Seeing that the rest of the story proceeds quite well, I will destroy this ending. Don't make Salian think during the kiss. Just. Don't. Its weird and he should think right after the kiss.
Kthxkeepwriting!
Told you chapter were gonna be crappy. God, what was I thinking when I wrote this?
You were thinking. Never. Fail. A. Challenge.
That's true, I was.
Hi there!
Oh gosh, oh gosh. That last paragraph. Holy crap, I can't get over it! Lian and Ari?? Perfect I swear. I love it!
Okay, enough fangirling for me at the moment. Let's get to the review.
I can really see the entire story coming together here. It's no longer bits and pieces from different people's perspectives. Instead, it's everyone's story coming together to make one, coherent story. Salian and Ari are now working together, conspiring against the King. They've reached the coast, which I'm assuming is where the castle is, or at least the kingdom.
Just a little nitpick here. You should capitalize 'captain'. Since that's what the crew calls Salian, it's his title and it should be capitalized.
So I have to say, I'm a bit confused as to where it is Ari and Salian meet. I know that they're in a cove, but are they on the ship or off? There's a boulder formation you mention, but that doesn't really help me much. I think you could describe that a bit more. If they are off the ship, describe how Salian had to all Ari down to him instead of over. That might clear things up a bit. Oh, and if you describe the cove that'll help too.
Going back to my fangirling from a short while before, I have to say that I think Salian and Ari's relationship is great. I mean, they are sworn enemies, well maybe not sworn, but enough so, and yet they still love each other. Salian is still thinking of Ari even though he was bent on killing her earlier. It's so interesting to watch the two of them grow closer together. Boy do I hope this relationship works out. Seriously, I think they make a great couple. And I absolutely love them together. And I hope that Tristan doesn't get too jealous. We wouldn't want him spoiling this perfectness now would we?
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
haha, I love them together too. Thanks for the review!
Uni here for a short review!
I love this so far! it has a very interesting plot and the characters have there own kind of style, I like it! Great job so far! I haven't read the rest of the chapters, and it still makes perfect sense! Now that's hard to do...
Okay, so I just want to say this one thing though... Even if you have described their surroundings before, you should describe it again in here. That way we get where they are kind of set in. Every chapter should have at the least, one short paragraph of three sentences describing the scene...
Keep on writing!
~Uni