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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hey Prince Judas! Ok, I lost the previous draft of my review, so I’m back at it again. YAY!
Alright so first of all what was the point in Aria's father's abuse scene? It seems like she's the daughter of a king so why would any of the councilors allow abusè?
Next don't you think it weird that since her father is king, Salian holds him? I mean Salian could do a whole lot of things with a king's ransom. If. He. Weren't. So. Dull.
Unless they are all sitting on the floor or they have a very low gravitational pull...wait. No. I’m overthinking this. Maybe the gravitational pull is less when objects are moving away? Yup, totally it.
Well, it wasn’t hard for Salian. Besides, notorious=hard to find? if she was notoriously hard to find I can understand that, but she is notorious as a pirate, easy peasy.
Radar! Nice! I didn't know they had radar in that kinda setting. I think either an outright punch or a dark glare here would be better.
He grabbed the collar, but I didn't see anything about the first shake so how come there is a last shake? Also he just insulted his sister? Yay!
Firstly, why woman? Does it HAVE TO BE A WOMAN? Why not unisex? Just say councilor? Or take the time to introduce te character more fully. I mean, we are going to see some more of her, aren't we?
Looks like Eva is a teleporter! Also, a betrothed who speaks like that in front of councilors about the crown prince....either the king is weak or. The king is weak. Is Eva dead? Why is she cool? Like wouldnt judas feel an electric touch if he is soo in love with her he let her boss him around like that? I dislike this guy already.
Also why didn't she say councilWOMEN? I mean, the councilor standing up is a woman, right?
Non regal response! Yay! I love this guy.
I have the strongest belief that the council table is standing on wheels and that these people are wearing skates which move as they think to go. Also, random nobles. Make them of some significance. A group of nobles clustered together in a troubled kingdom is never a good sign unless they are clustering around a royalist and powerful noble.
Flight of stairs? Thats so sudden! What happened to the room and the hall and the arches and the....generic stuff? Make this world come to life, girl!
They all? How many men has Eva saved now? Has she been betrothed to all of them? Judas! Run!
I think this should a who does "they" comprise of.
Of all possibilities, a cow. Why would she compare a prince to a cow? Is she hoping to kiss him into a real prince?
Where exactly did the bushes come from? I cant believe a flight of stairs going out from the hall has bushes. Also i doubt he would have a comfortable silence.
Tuck it where? Into my shirt pocket? That really would glue us together. Head to heart, I think.
I thought she was already swinging. And while swinging she put the flower in her hair. Anyway, i find it hard for judas to swing a girl in his arms and pound his shoulders, at the same time.
Is that stool made from flower bushes? Because im wanting one.
[qute]"Guards! Take him to the dungeons and hold him there until we can put together a proper trial." I sneer at the boy and watch as they drag him away.[/quote]
What? Why? He was witnessed to have thrown the stone. Treason. A proper trial? Are they like going to do DNA tests or something?
Keep writing sweetheart.
Alright, love.
I think I made this clear, but maybe not.
Arianna does NOT know that her father is the king. I mean, she knew her mother had an affair with a mysterious man, but Ari never thought herself the product of this affair. Note: Only her mother knew who this man was, and when Arianna's mother's husband (Nick's father aka the father who punished Arianna in the beginning) killed Arianna's mother, that knowledge was lost. So Arianna has no idea who her real father is. So Salian has Arianna's mother's husband, NOT the king. Neither Arianna nor Salian know who Arianna's father is. Capiche?
In Prince Judas's mind, a proper trial means torturing any and all information out of the boy before killing him.
"That's what they all say." Eva drags me toward the garden doors.
GARDEN. *snorts* That's where the bushes come from. And perhaps I should have made the stool a bench. And Eva pounds Judas's shoulders.
And when I said he 'spun her around, I meant that he turned her around to face him. She was not swinging before. But I can see how that would be confusing.
And yes, Eva is comparing Judas to a cow. They've know each other for a long time, known that they would wed for a long time.
As for the groups of nobles; what, don't you think young men and women who are all in a big house ever talk? What, are they supposed to stay in their rooms all the time?
But still, your review was helpful. Maybe read and don't skim next time
I kid.
Did you edit things after i copied down your piece? Because the version I have doesn't have the word garden, if not...i'd have known.
Hmm the ancestry of Ariana i found boggling.
Groups of young nobles clustered together. I mean, the story could use an influential person at court. Just one? Seems pretty random otherwise.
Oh and come on, sweety, since when do i skim over your work. I read this thing like....four times through. Te version i copied into my phone anyway. Twice last Wednesday. Once on Saturday. And once more before publishing this review.
Oh and about the trial explanation. Work that into this piece somehow.
I kid not.
Haha. Thanks
. I swear I didn't edit the garden in! And I know you don't skim 
Problem with my copy and paste it is
Hi there!
So I read this all the way back the day you posted and didn't get around to reviewing it until just now. Really, what's wrong with me? Shame on me.
Okay so here we get another perspective, one we've been introduced to before but only for a short time. It's really quite interesting. Here I've been focusing on Aria and Salian that I forgot all about the Prince. It's nice to see another side of the story, especially coming from the Prince. Because at the end of the last chapter, Salian and Aria realized that the king was after Aria. So now not only have you left us with a cliffhanger, but you also have given us something else to think about: what exactly is going on with the king and prince that they want Aria?
May I just say, I really like your dialogue. You seem to use a lot of it, which isn't a problem of course, and it tells the story quite well. I can tell a lot through how your characters speak and how they answer what other people say/ask. Remember, character development doesn't just come from plain description. It can come from the way characters react to certain situations. And that's what you accomplish through your dialogue.
This is my only nitpick. I personally am not a huge for of using all caps. I know that there's another way you can tell us that he's angry besides using the capitals. You do tell us actually, with your dialogue tag. I can tell that these words are said in a rather fierce and angry measure. It shows by how the prince shakes the man while he's speaking. So try and stay away from the all caps, yes? You're a talented writers. There are other ways that you can get the point across that the prince is angry.
Another thing I think is good to mention is that I'm not sure where this takes place. There's not really much imagery here. I can assume from the dialogue I read that they are in some sort of chamber or hall at the beginning and then by the end they're outside. But I'd like to know that for sure. Some descriptions would be helpful. Show me how the path outside the palace is lined with beautiful rose bushes. Tell me of the countless other times Eva has led the prince down this same path to calm him after an outburst. That's an image I think will be gorgeous! I do believe you've already described the room they're in at the beginning in an earlier chapter so you should be able to get away without describing that. But don't forget about those descriptions! They can create something powerful when written right.
Other than that I think you did a good job with this chapter. Like I said, we get a fresh perspective on the story. I feel like this is the villain's POV, although in all honesty I can't figure out who the villain actually is. I think that's because to Aria, Salian is the villain. But now, there's a common enemy they have. So it's hard to decipher.
Why do you have to do this to us? Leave us with back to back cliffhangers? I have no idea what Aria is up to and if she's making it along safely or not, and now I'm left wondering who this person is that the prince has captured. I have a bad feeling that it's Aria's brother. I really hope it's not.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Aww, thank you! And... well, you'll have to see if it was Arianna's brother!