The Pirate Queen: Chapter 8

by TheCrimsonLady

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Comments

Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

Donate

Sun Jun 01, 2014 4:17 am

Iggy wrote a review...

Okay so I suppose I should've assumed there'd be a vendetta of sorts between these two. I see there's a lot of history between them that we don't know about. I hope you let us know some bits and pieces soon enough.

My biggest nitpick so far is the dialogue. Some examples:

"Too bad she's alive and well." His gravelly voice carries a hint of threat in it.

The period by "well" should be a comma and his should be lowercased.

"I could have killed you just now, dear." Salian's voice slides over my ears like a slimy serpent, and my head throbs at the sound of it.

The period by "dear" should be a comma and there should be no comma before "and."

This would be a lot more readable if you cleaned it up. This articles goes into more depth.

I suppose I'll never get over how cruel you make these pirates. What pirate allows one of his men to be killed? And of course she'd be having daggers on her. Of course.

I'm afraid I don't like Arianna. At all. I hate her, in fact. She isn't a very good character to bond with emotionally. She is, for a lack of a better word, a jerk. Killing and killing and promising to kill more and such. I can't connect this current Ariana with the one from the beginning, who allowed her father to beat her so her brother wouldn't get hurt. It just won't connect. The almighty Pirate Queen, bested by her father.

If possible, I'd like to see more emotions from Arianna. Is she always this cold-hearted? Is this all we'll see from her on an emotional level? How disappointing. So far, she's not a very likable character, in all honesty.

Off to read the next chapter.

~Iggy

Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

Donate

Sun May 25, 2014 1:01 am

Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there! I'm back

Ah, yes, thank God Arianna is still alive. I was sure she would still be, but I really had no idea how she was going to survive that.

A small nitpick here:

and no true pirate would miss at such a distance.

The word 'miss' shouldn't be italicized. You may be wanting to draw attention to that word, but you really don't have to. Saying a pirate would miss is just the same as saying a pirate would miss. Make sense? Basically the word doesn't need emphasis.

All this time, Salian has been watching the fight. "Enjoy the show, dog?"

I had to read on before I really understood who was talking here. It is indeed Arianna who says this line, yes? With the tag before it, you make it seem like Salian says it. I'd suggest starting a new line for this dialogue and adding a tag such as "I snarl" at the end of the dialogue just to be completely clear.

Oh, why do you make me feel for the villain? Why, why, why? D: I know that Salian is supposed to be the evil guy, but I feel like he's suffered a lot from what Arianna has done. But at the same time she's suffered from all he's done. You've got me torn between the two characters, wondering which one I should feel for more.

There still isn't much description here. Again, you have a lot of dialogue and not much description. What exactly does Salian's office (totally not the word I'm looking for...) look like? I want to know. There's some great descriptions when Arianna is fighting Ryder, but that's it. When you go back through and edit you should definitely add in some descriptions.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Points: 2296
Reviews: 133

Donate

Wed May 21, 2014 6:10 am

PiesAreSquared wrote a review...

Hey Aurora! I better get to this before I forget! I think you have had a good continuation to the story, but there’s a few things I want to poke you about.

I flinch as the bullet whizzes past, embedding itself in the wall behind me. Feeling a sharp pain on my forehead, I tug an arm free and press it to my temple.

This two sentences don’t fit well together. I am assuming that the bullet grazes Aria’s forehead to thump into the wall behind. But then, bullets which hit the forehead goes like this

...or not. If it hits the wall behind, it must have gone through her head. I know you mentioned her rapid healing, but is it that fast?

If it glances, it must make a line through her hairline, which means more blood than just from the temple. If it lightly touches, it still will burn quite badly. Unless it’s

So that’s a plot incongruity.

Another incongruity from this quote is this. How does Aria know of the bullet hitting the wall behind her? Is she like omnispective? A better way to put this is that she heard the bullet thump against the wood, instead of just saying that it does embed itself to the wall, which implies that she has seen such an action instead of heard it. Maybe that’s just human bias?

When I look at my finger, it is stained with a dark-reddish substance.

Unless her blood was substantially different in color, you might as well say that it is blood. I mean, she would instantly connect the red to blood. Unless she’s never seen blood before, or she’s been killing people with transparent blood, or yellow blood? Gold based blood, now that’s interesting. But I digress. Just steer clear of unnecessary information.

The wound stops bleeding almost immediately, and I wipe the blood off on my tunic.

rapid healing is rapid healing. Also so little blood that it can be wiped off, it’s almost like a small scratch from a housecat’s claw.

I turn back to Salian and study him silently. He had missed on purpose; he had been shooting at me at point-blank range, and no true pirate woulld miss at such a distance.

Too many “L”s. The repetition of “he” is rather revulsive. I’d prefer separating the two sentences altogether. Also, using “been shooting” indicates a possible second or even third shot. But “shot” alone would remove all doubts as to the number of bullets.

"I could have killed you just now, dear." Salian's voice slides over my ears like a slimy serpent, and my head throbs at the sound of it.

Serpents are not slimy. Fishes are. Molluscs are. Reptiles are not. Not even if you were from the Realm of the Elderlings. Also, “villain stating the obvious” cliché. Wouldn’t Aria already have become accustomed to the fact that Salian is rather suavily fishy? Why would she now get a headache over it when she hadn’t one before?

Nevertheless, when I speak, my voice is as strong as ever. "I know. But you didn't. Why not?"

I would think having a headache but speaking in a strong voice would require a firm mental command. Since we are using a first person present tense POV, you should throw in some thoughts.

"I don't believe that..." He trails off, letting me squirm for a few moments while planning out his next sentence. He starts again, saying, "That a woman- no, a girl- who has caused me so much pain and anguish should die so quickly."

How would she know he was planning out his sentence? Was it furrowed brows? Biting his lips? We. Don’t. Know. Try using some observable action.

Also why would Aria squirm? Does she anticipate what is coming?

He acknowledges my sarcasm with a sly smile. "I want you to feel all the pain that I've felt over the years, Arianna."

That’s so. Vague. I have thought all along that Salian is a person who needs to spell out every single action he could possibly do. But then now he switches. Character consistency, sweetheart. Or maybe I am wrong in my interpretation of the character?

I scoff at him, careless of my life till the end. "Years? I've only been a pirate for two, Salian."

He didn’t say he’d kill her. So why is she assuming he’d kill her? After all, he’s still alive, and if all she was going to get is what he gets then she wouldn’t die. Right? Isn’t two years still years? It seems like the same difference to me.

His purple eyes flash up at me. "I know that. What I don't know is who you paid off to kill the former Pirate King for you." He looks at me with venom in his gaze, and I return his stare with all the bottled up anger I have.

“Here’s my anger, in this bottle. Hope you like it!” That’s what I thought, anyway. Also I thought he planned to just give him pain, like the Pale Woman did to the Fool? Since when did this become an information gathering event? Why would he want to know the name of the assassin for? There seem to be no thread to his villainy other than he’s a foil to Arianna, who doesn’t seem to have a purpose anyway.

I only raise an eyebrow in response to his words, not letting him see how much his words make me hate him. Slowly, I separate the anger from my mind and store it away for later. "Resorting to low tricks, aren't we, Salian?"

What low tricks? Like. Seduction? I don’t see any low tricks? Also why anger? Not fear? Fear would be so much the more natural, like an offshoot of how she fears her father. Once scarred, always scarred. Give us more thoughts, too.

He mirrors me, raising his own eyebrow in response to mine. "No, not lower than the whore's tricks you use to fight, Queen." He spits my title out like it burns his tongue to say it.
I raise my chin as I reply. "Whatever gets the job done, right?"
He growls at me, low in his throat. This is why you'll never be the Pirate King, Salian. You feel too much. "Enough banter. Ryder, hold her. I want her locked in the brig with two guards around the clock. Understand?"

Who’s thought is that? Ryder’s or Arianna’s? Why would Salian speak right after? That thought makes no sense either, not in its placement.

I whirl around to face Ryder. "You swore." I look up at him questioningly, and he smiles with a glint of amusement.
"Swore to a girl that I saw killed in a brothel in Wherry by your crew. Personal grudge, lass?"
"Something like that, yes."
"Too bad she's alive and well." His gravelly voice carries a hint of threat in it.
I look into his eyes so that he knows that I speak the truth. "I'll kill her when I get out."
"Get out? That's not an option for you, lass. Sorry to shatter your dreams."

I assume this is Arianna and Ryder exchanging barbs, but this also seems to be Salian in some of this. Try using more tags, especially of the actionable kind.

He lunges at me with his left hand at that moment and I duck out of the way, spinning around and keeping my balance when I stop. I draw one of the many knives that I carry on my person- the longest one, to be exact.

Like the blood point, this is long winded and unnecessary. Why say she draws one of her many knives, only to say that it’s her longest. Also how long is the longest? It can’t be too long, can it? Also why didn’t Ryder search her first? Every stowaway is just not searched? That’s really weird security.

Ryder brings his sword down onto my knife and a sharp clang is emitted when steel meets steel. He pushes his weight down, onto my knife, and when I slide it back, scraping the bottom of his blade and creating a shriek of pain between the weapons, he stumble forward.

Why would you say ‘a sharp clang is emitted”? Isn’t it so much easier to say “the steel rang against each other”?

The weapons feel pain? Or is the sound painful to the ears? Or is the sound akin to a shriek of pain? This is a jumble, and no mistake.

I take his moment of disadvantage and draw another knife, a shorter one, concealing it in my cloak.

Not bad. In a fight, I take up a small knife, and keep it in my cloak. Now, if my sword I hold ever fails, I can pull it out later. But not now. Nope. This is loot. Pure pirate instinct.

A drop of blood drips off of my knife and falls onto my cheek. I wipe it off and get back up.

A drop of blood? Must be a pretty big drop. And of course, the blood congeals real quick too!

We are both silent for a minute, remembering when it began.

When what began? “it”? It is a dragon come to life!!!!

Five pirates run in, weapons in hand.

These guys must be really itching to do something. They’re waiting right outside watching one of their mates die, and they now only come in?

That’s all I have for now!
Keep Writing!!!

Points: 307
Reviews: 113

Donate

Mon May 19, 2014 7:05 pm

Sherri wrote a review...

Hi Aurora99, I'm back to review again!
First of all... wow. You continued on from the last chapter awesomely! Usually when writers end with cliff-hangers that massive, the next chapter deflates into an uninteresting puddle; this isn't the case here--something I'm glad for--so amazing job!
Before I say anything else, I'll go ahead and write out my nitpicks on grammar and spelling and such.
In the first paragraph, in the sentence: "...no true pirate woulld miss at such a distance." you accidentally typed two 'L's in 'would'.
Next, the sentence: "Just say what you want to clearly, Salian." is a little confusing. I had to reread it a few times to understand what she was saying, so I advise changing it to something like "Just say what you want to, Salian." or "Just say what you want to say, Salian." Also, in the sentence following that one, I noticed you referred to her comment as sarcasm. The comment itself didn't seem sarcastic to me; more like she was just stating a fact, if a little bluntly.
I noticed a few things in this sentence: "He pushes his weight down, onto my knife, and when I slide it back, scraping the bottom of his blade and creating a shriek of pain between the weapons, he stumble forward." Firstly, you probably need to break this sentence up into two sentences; it's just long enough to be confusing, and blocks up the flow of the paragraph. The comma before "onto my knife" isn't necessary, so you can get rid of that. Finally, "...he stumble forward." should be "he stumbled" or "he stumbles".
Last thing. In this exchange: "All this time, Salian has been watching the fight. "Enjoy the show, dog?"

"I did, in fact. Your fighting style is most unique."

"I know. Someone who betrayed me taught me when I needed it most. I never forget it." I look at him meaningfully. We are both silent for a minute, remembering when it began. "
I suggest specifying who is speaking a little better. I'm assuming Arriana speaks first and last, and Salian speaks in the middle, but I had to analyze the exchange for quite a while before coming to that conclusion.
Other than that, though, this was great! I love your characters and plot, and how you're moving the story forward. I can't wait for the next chapter; if it isn't too much trouble, let me know when you post it! Keep on writing!

Young Writers Society

The Pirate Queen: Chapter 8

Comments

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources