Young Writers Society

Hello, hello!

I find it a bit hard to believe that a pirate would give a blood oath to some stowaway he just met. I think you went a bit overboard (GET IT) with that one, because it was hard to swallow. He's a pirate, man! Pirates don't do that. Plus, you said that she never took down her hood, so either this pirate is an idiot or he's just too trustworthy.

As for the name coincidence, I laughed at that. I'm surprised the pirate didn't say that sorry ma'am, I'm the only Ryder pirate on this ship. He doesn't seem all that bright, this one.

And of course Salian would demand she take off her hood. Of course. I don't like that she didn't put the blood oath to use, though. What good is it if he holds her hands behind her back regardless? I suppose you have a plan, though, so let's see what happens.

Off to read more!

~Iggy

Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!

Whoa, intense chapter you've got here. I'm impressed that you've not only made sure that we know how scared Arianna is, but you've also forced this fear onto us. I felt so nervous reading that chapter, really I did. I don't think there's many people here on YWS who have been able to make me feel so connected to their character. Bravo!

Hm, I really don't have anything to say about this chapter. I think your pace is great and it keeps up with the pace you introduced in the beginning of the novel. You continue to work on your character development, really helping us to understand who Arianna really is. I do wish that we would get some more of her past with Salian. Here they are, enemies, but I don't know what happened between them for them to become enemies. Maybe that'll come up in later chapters.

There's an awful lot of dialogue in this chapter. Although I have no idea how you could make this any better. After looking over it again, I realize that the dialogue probably needs to be there and it's important that you have so much of it. But keep in mind for future chapters, keep the dialogue and descriptions balanced. Laying it on a lot either way is quite annoying to readers.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hey Aurora!

I've read this through quite a number of times, and haven't found much to quibble about.

It's nice to see that the accent on the Ryder persona is maintained.

Do try to add speech tags every three or four dialogue lines. Three is about the most most readers can easily go without a reminder.

I assume that now Arianna is dead because unless she's a superwoman, she dies. No one's fast enough to duck a bullet once they hear it. Maybe to add the tension, you could say, she see's him pull the trigger, but don't tell about the bullet. Maybe he's just shooting a dud? There's a host of plottical variables that you can give to this story simply by withholding information like that.


Keep writing, luv!!!

Hi Aurora

First things first: I love your novel's name! When I stumbled upon it in the Greenroom I was hooked immediately. I am in what one can call a pirate "phase" at this moment, and when I saw the name Pirate Queen I knew I had to read it.
I usually begin my reviews by commenting on grammar and vocabulary. Normally I would find an error SOMEwhere in a piece, but your piece is faultless. I congratulate you on that.
The way you effectively use dialog in your piece is superb. I don't usually read first-person stories, but I didn't even notice it while reading this chapter.
Your interesting choice of names shows that you have a vivid imagination. I loved the cliffhanger ending very much.
I enjoyed every minute while reading this piece, therefore I am rating it 9.5 out of ten. Bravo!

Hi Aurora99; this is Sherri... I couldn't help reviewing this, even though I couldn't find any spelling or grammar mistakes. There's actually nothing wrong with it, as far as I can see. I love stories like this, but it's actually kind of hard to find a story with the pirate theme, especially when you're trying to find a female protagonist. I loved the cliffhanger ending!
The only suggestion I can think of is to maybe add more description, like--this is just a guessing example; I have no idea what it really looks like-- "He brings his silver pistol up...". I know that's a minor suggestion, but it's really all I could find! Great job!