z

Young Writers Society


12+

Unstable chapter one

by ElectraHeart


The flowy material of my dress hangs lightly over my black high top converse. My mother told me to change into heels but I refused. She was still quite angry and going and on about how the prince was being married today and I should dress nicely, I was dressed nicely. I had a dress on , I even had washed my shoes.

“Elizabeth! Are you even listening to me!” My mother shouted as my father parked the car on the street.

“Huh, what?” I asked as I glanced up from my lap. I shifted in my seat and looked out the window. A gasp escaped my mouth as my eyes fell upon the palace.

It was a spotless white, the windows a deep cherrywood that matched the huge double doors. I am aware the palace was always shown on tv when the royal family did interviews, but I never watched tv. I always stayed in my room reading or talking to Tate on the phone. But I’m sure that the tv could not do the palace justice. I was interrupted in my thoughts by my mother starting up again.

“You really should have put on the nicer shoes. You’ve had those things for, what, 2 years. How do they still fit?” Mother gave a nervous laugh and I rolled my eyes slightly.

“Yes mother, two years but they still fit. Must not have grown any.” I told her as we opened the doors to the car and started walking towards the palace. The steps leading up to the doors were lined with bright pinks and purples of flowers, they were beautiful but I knew my flowers for my wedding would be blue if I got to choose. The halls of the palace were just as pretty as the outside, they were a glossy deep red. “Mother, excuse me while I find the bathrooms.”

“Yes yes, go. We’re sitting in row five on the right.” She said, as she handed me an ID badge that had my name and face on it. I watched as my mother and father slipped theirs on over their heads. It was strange to see their names. I was so used to calling Bethany Widgrald mother and Griffin Widgrald father. I gave a small wave and went off down the halls.

“Bathroom, bathroom, bathroom.” I mumbled to myself, looking for one. I turned around. Maybe I’d missed it? Wait, thats weird. The floor is slanting. I let out a screech as I started to fall. All of a sudden a pair of arms were tangled around my waist. I swiveled my head around to see what had broke my fall.

It wasn’t a what that I saw though. It was a who. A person I did not recognize but someone that I thought I’d love to get to know. He looked about 18 His hair was dark and thick, and it fell over his forehead elegantly. His eyes were just as dark, which captivated me. Most boys with dark hair like his had light brown eyes. He was dressed in a nice suit, with medals down the side. “Miss, are you okay?” His voice was deep and slow. One of his arms that were wrapped around my waist lifted and ran the hand attached through his hair.

“Oh, yes. I’m fine.” I smiled lightly. “Just on the search.”

He flashed a grin. “What were you looking for darling?” He pulled me up so I was standing against him.

“Just the restroom.” I wanted to take a step back but did not want to seem rude.

“Let me take you.” He looped his arm and I rested my hand above his elbow. “It would be my pleasure. Now, do you want the public restrooms, or the private?”

“Whichever takes the longest to get to.” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.Oh, he’s going to think I’m a complete fool. I thought to myself.

“The private it is, Miss?” He seemed either not to notice or being kind and brushing it off.

“Elizabeth, Elizabeth Widgrald, and who are you?” I asked grinning, glad that he had continued the conversation.

“Very beautiful name to go with a very beautiful girl. I’m Emerson.” As we got to the stairs I lifted my dress and he led me up the steps and through the halls. “Here you go.” He swung open a door and held it open as I walked in. “I’ll wait here for you, wouldn’t want you to get lost again.”

“Thank you.” I laughed and used the bathroom quickly as possible and washed up. Checking my face for any smeared makeup and then realized I only had applied eye shadow. As I walked back out I checked the time. I needed to get downstairs, the wedding started in 15 minutes. I hurried out of the bathroom and smiled at Emerson.

“Shall we?” He asked.

“We shall.” I replied. Soon, we started up a game of asking each other questions. “Favorite color?”

“Blue, what about yours?”

“Mine is blue also!”

“What about weather?”

“Snowy but not freezing cold. You?”

“Light rain.” He smiled as we got to the door. “One last one, how old are you?”

“I’m seventeen, how about you?” I asked.

“Eighteen, you should go sit down. Goodbye for now.”

His lips pressed against my head and my heart danced. Then, just like that, he was gone. I hurried over to my seat in between my parents. “Took you long enough.” My mother hissed into my ear.

“Sorry, I ran into someone and we started talking.” I smiled remembering the arms around my waist.

My mother hushed me as the wedding started. I glanced quickly at the groom and then went back to my lap. Not paying much attention.

“Emerson Leeridge,”My head shot up at the name. There he was. Emerson. No, it couldn’t be. His eyes were on me. But why, he was marrying this girl, so why look to me? “Do you take Ashley Forday for your lawful wedded wife, to live in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love, honour, comfort, and cherish her from this day forward, forsaking all others, keeping only unto her for as long as you both shall live?” I gasped, but thankfully the rest of the crowd did also.

“I-I don’t.” The words stumbled out of Emerson’s mouth and his eyes connected with mine, and somehow, I knew this was my doing.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
98 Reviews


Points: 5567
Reviews: 98

Donate
Sun May 25, 2014 10:50 am
View Likes
budding writer wrote a review...



Hey there!
Budding writer here for a review.I'll start from the beginning.

NITPICKS:
"The flowy material of my dress hangs lightly over my black high top converse. My mother told me to change into heels but I refused. She was still quite angry and going and on about how the prince was being married today and I should dress nicely, I was dressed nicely. I had a dress on , I even had washed my shoes."
Okay here it would have better if you had given a more vivid description of her dress instead of finishing it off in just a sentence.

"“You really should have put on the nicer shoes. You’ve had those things for, what, 2 years. How do they still fit?” Mother gave a nervous laugh and I rolled my eyes slightly."
Separate it into two sentences.

“Yes mother, two years but they still fit. Must not have grown any.”
Try and change the second part or you can even even just use the first sentence.

"Checking my face for any smeared makeup and then realized I only had applied eye shadow."
Start with "I checked my face..."

Apart from these that I mentioned the story is turning out to be quite interesting specially the way you ended it. It made me want to read more an thats why I'm gonna head over to chapter two! Nice characterization!

The only thing I felt was that the pace was a bit too fast and in some parts it was not really realistic like how they just met and they instantly liked each other and he kissed her before going off. I mean its ok that they can be interested in each other but the pace was too fast. I would have also liked a little bit more of descriptions.

-Budding writer




User avatar
187 Reviews


Points: 13001
Reviews: 187

Donate
Sun May 25, 2014 2:49 am
View Likes
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Hey! Thought I'd review this before Chapter Two:) So, this is an awesome first chapter. Although we don't know a lot about the characters yet, I can see their personalities, and I love them! So, first off, I noticed no grammar errors, so your editing is good. You also did well with formatting so that's a double bonus! I already like your story line, although it seems to be moving pretty fast already. The ages also seem kind of young. I mean, getting married at eighteen? That's a bit strange. I love Emerson already, and I can't wait to see what happens next. (Sorry this is such a short review, I like your piece so much I have no complaints!)

PeanutPhoebe




User avatar
171 Reviews


Points: 872
Reviews: 171

Donate
Thu May 22, 2014 7:20 pm
View Likes



I read through this one, and the reviews you got covered everything! Keep writing this, I'd love to read more of it c,: It's a huge cliff hanger.




User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 282
Reviews: 5

Donate
Wed Apr 23, 2014 7:42 am
View Likes
thebluegemini wrote a review...



Ok. WOW. Just WOW. Can I say I absolutely LOVE it! The ending was absolutely brilliant. Amazingggg! Emerson is now my dream prince! We all want one, don't we? ^^ Keep writing. You simply HAVE to! My favorite part was this one: "“I-I don’t.” The words stumbled out of Emerson’s mouth and his eyes connected with mine, and somehow, I knew this was my doing." ^^




ElectraHeart says...


Haha, thank you! I%u2019m getting ready to put up the second chapter.



User avatar
933 Reviews


Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

Donate
Mon Apr 21, 2014 10:55 pm
View Likes
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello. ^^

I was dressed nicely. I had a dress on , I even had washed my shoes.


Weird comma thing going on there. Also swap the bolded words.

It was a spotless white,


Cut the indicated. Also, describe what is spotless. The walls? The roof? The building? You don't have to go into detail but you do should be a little more specific.

I am aware the palace was always shown on tv


You are aware? That's an odd way to state this.

You’ve had those things for, what, 2 years.


I'd spell 2 out all the way. It just seems lazy to use such short numbers in a story. Writing out two takes a second longer than hitting the 2 key, ja? Also, since this sentence is formed like a question, end it with a question mark instead of a period.

“Yes mother, two years but they still fit.


Mother should be capitalized.

The steps leading up to the doors were lined with bright pinks and purples of flowers, they were beautiful but I knew my flowers for my wedding would be blue if I got to choose. The halls of the palace were just as pretty as the outside, they were a glossy deep red.


Both sentences are comma splices.

Wait, thats weird.


That's*

He looked about 18 His hair was dark and thick, and it fell over his forehead elegantly.


Missing period. Also, the comma is not needed in the second sentence.

“Miss, are you okay?” His voice was deep and slow.


His should be lowercased.

“Eighteen, you should go sit down.


Comma splice.


Okay, so.

This would be a lot more readable if you cleaned the dialogue up. This article goes into more depth.

One thing you need to establish right away is the setting. What is this timezone? The mention of royals made me think this was a fantasy genre, but then you mention high top converse, which they obviously don't have in the medieval times. So is this present-day England or some other country still ruled by a monarchy? If so, make that clear.

Also, work on making your characters more realistic. If the prince is about to get married, how would he be wandering around with this girl? I suppose he could, but someone's bound to notice that the groom is MIA. Also, the prince getting married in a small building with a small service? the prince? And with a bunch of peasants present? I find that hard to believe. As much as the royal family loves their people, they normally don't invite random people to their weddings. It's mostly just family and friends, or it's a big ceremony for all of the country to believe. So I find this all hard to believe.

Finally. I could tell from the instant Emerson entered the story that this would be romantic. Okay. Nothing wrong with that. But having him immediately fall in love with the narrator? Too soon. He just met her. Love at first sight is very hard to choke down, as it's commonly used all the time, so if you do go through with this, I highly encourage you to make this as unique as possible. Right no, without reading the next chapters, I can already predict what will happen and that makes me lose interest in this.

Other than that, this is still a nice beginning. I find it odd that the narrator calls her mother and father "Mother" and "Father", which makes me think that they don't have a very good relationship with their daughter if she has to use formalities when talking about them. Either that or this is old-fashion, which will then class with the mention of tv and converse and such. Like I said, establish a time era and stick to it.

Hope this helps.

~Iggy




ElectraHeart says...


Thank you Iggy!



User avatar


Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Donate
Mon Apr 21, 2014 5:10 pm
Karma531 says...



...... (: (: i may be like fan girling over your book......




Ibounce says...


@Iggy how do you always post what I'm thinking!?!




In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.
— Albus Dumbledore