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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Again, you did less dialogue, and I think it better fit the story.
The part about she "settle on as many daggers as I can buy and a pistol" sound to me odd, as she then ask for the prices, and I would have seen that thought happens after the question.
I'm not sure that swimming while she tugs her boots, and has as many dagger that she could hide, would be the better option. Anything heavy (and a few dagger can weight) tends to make it really difficult to swim. But let's say it's just fiction and it works.
There's no indication of how many times it takes to go to Wherry. It sounds has if she'd just time to sneak into the ship, find the captain's cabin, wait a few minutes before killing the captain, and after a few more minutes they're at Wherry. Besides, I suppose she waited for her clothes to be dry before going into the captain's quarters, or the wet traces on the floor would give her.
"I check my gunpowder and knives to make sure they haven't gotten wet"
She swims with her pistol in her mouth, that one is ok, but how did she managed to not wet her daggers ?
Like in the previous chapter I find some things odd with Aria. She wasn't able to resist her father, not even a few seconds, and now she's able to ask for a cold blood murder of a whore ? To me, there's something that doesn't match in this.
Besides thoses points, the story could be great, I just think it needs a few more thinking about why peoples act and how they really do. Fiction shouldn't be exactly like reality, or it would be really boring, but it doesn't need to have too much distance with reality, otherwise we can't believe it.
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
Just a small nitpick here. You switched from present tense to past tense. Just make sure that you don't slip up like that again
I liked this chapter. There's a lot more description and imagery in this chapter. In your previous chapters, it was just about developing the characters and creating the story. But now that you've gotten into the story, you can afford to start slowing down the pace like this. This chapter has a good feel to it. Even though Ari is rushing things a bit by saying that they need to go after this Salian. It doesn't feel like that part was rushed. It just seemed like normal time.
I do find it interesting though that Ari left her brother. I got the impression from your first two chapters that she had such a tight bond with her brother that she would never leave him. She talked about him coming with er. Why didn't she just take no for an answer and drag him along with her? Or at the very least, she should be worrying about him. But then again, she's become a pirate. Maybe she's just adopted the pirates' belief that your only family is your crew. Who knows.
I hope to see more of this description in the next chapters. This chapter really turned a corner. Good job with it
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey aurora!! Sorry for saging so late in the week!!
I will show a few examples below.
About this piece. First off I like the tension and non-tension mix. There's a lot of the former and a little of the latter which makes for a break without being boring. The second thing i like about this piece is that it ends in a cliffhanger. Yay!
I just want to put it out that I love the continued development o the main character. I think I'm beginning to comprehend her much better than at first.
Moving on to the things I dislike about this piece. There are not many things bad here. Dialogue is awesome, in contrast to the first chapter. You do tend to mix up our grammar pretty bad in the main parts of the story. I don't know how to tell you without sounding pedantic, but more English homework!
Another thing regarding grammar is that the tense of this story is very inconsistent. Is it taking place in the present tense? The past tense? I want to know for sure!
There are things you would prefer to omit for brevity. More on that later. It would be better to omit everything but the skeleton of the story and be able to build up on it than to have to cut down bad parts of a story. Good for morale!
Alright nitpicks.
[quote[After walking for a few hours, I sit down on the ground to eat something.[/quote]
Right here you have an extraneous "something" at the end of the sentence. We already know that something is being eaten, so something is pretty much repetition.
Notice how the tense in this paragraph has been warped?
"I think up" and "had to" clash with each other. *Smashes steel shields together*
The entire section where these sentences are placed is too large a paragraph. Also the last sentence is difficult to grasp. If you could write it clearer, maybe longer worded but clearer that would help the reader.
I think some filler about finishing off the meal comes in handy here.
This sentence ends incompletely. It jars the reader to no purpose. If you placed the last clause as a sentence of its own beginning with "well" that would be cool.
Alright this dialogue line and the previous...don't go together. There is no click to the words. They don't link. Shouldn't the MC be telling the old dude about recent events? After all that's what he asked.
A mix of adjectives. Is the city notorious or is the black market?
I know this is fantasy but this stretches believability. Captains quarters low in a ship? Either the living cabins are really low in the water, which is a little inane, or the shipbuilder was bonkers. You could make a plot point of a bonkers shipwright actually.
Wait. Vampires? Why didn't we hear of that before? Some explanation of vampires and her hate/ love of killing them would help. Also I though they were immortal? I need some help on this point! I may have missed something.
The rest of the story flows along the same problematic vein, as well as awesomatic (if there's such a word) vein, so I won't pick on it.
Right there ends review of my this.
Writing keep!!
Hello!
.
Thanks for the review. Took you long enough
I simply wasn't thinking when I wrote the captain thing.
And the vampire part was for my cameo. The only reason she's killing the guy is because he is the captain.
The tenses- well, the story is supposed to be in present tense. I just mess that up a lot in this book :/.
And thank you for the review.... finally
I sort of suspected the vampires were cameos.
But hey, greatest stories come from mistakes.
Wow. Pirates will be pirates, I see.
First off, I am still disappointed that she abandoned her brother. And now look, he's been captured! Silly pirate queen. If you'd just took him with you...
Moving on, these pirates are ruthless, aren't they? I just loved Tristian's excuse for sleeping with another woman. "I was grieving." YEAH OKAY. Still, not an excuse for Arianna to order her killed, and he just shrugs. Smh.
But the good thing is that you're making this realistic! Pirates with enemies, rum, sex, murder -- it's all what I see when I picture a pirate's life. Throw in a pareet, yes? xD
I did find one thing odd -- now here we have a pirate queen who slits the throat of her enemy and orders an innocent girl killed and lies and cheats and yet she pays to buy weapons from some dude? Why didn't she just kill him? Is it the pirate code of loyalty of whatever? If so, I think it'd be nice if you stated that, so we understand that a bit better. ^^
Overall, this is getting heated and I look forward to seeing what happens next!
The dude happened to help her when she needed it most- Ari's human. Besides, no one really knows what the Pirate Queen looks like. Yeah, they know her name, but not much else. And perhaps this wasn't clear; Tristan a) knows what happens to girls he sleeps with that aren't Ari. Sex=death for the girl. They're not exclusive, but anyone Tristian's slept with doesn't get to live if Arianna finds out.So.... yeah. b) Ari warned him, and she can get very jealous at times.
I meant to thank you for that review. Thanks!