Young Writers Society

Again, you did less dialogue, and I think it better fit the story.
The part about she "settle on as many daggers as I can buy and a pistol" sound to me odd, as she then ask for the prices, and I would have seen that thought happens after the question.

I'm not sure that swimming while she tugs her boots, and has as many dagger that she could hide, would be the better option. Anything heavy (and a few dagger can weight) tends to make it really difficult to swim. But let's say it's just fiction and it works.

There's no indication of how many times it takes to go to Wherry. It sounds has if she'd just time to sneak into the ship, find the captain's cabin, wait a few minutes before killing the captain, and after a few more minutes they're at Wherry. Besides, I suppose she waited for her clothes to be dry before going into the captain's quarters, or the wet traces on the floor would give her.

"I check my gunpowder and knives to make sure they haven't gotten wet"
She swims with her pistol in her mouth, that one is ok, but how did she managed to not wet her daggers ?

Like in the previous chapter I find some things odd with Aria. She wasn't able to resist her father, not even a few seconds, and now she's able to ask for a cold blood murder of a whore ? To me, there's something that doesn't match in this.


Besides thoses points, the story could be great, I just think it needs a few more thinking about why peoples act and how they really do. Fiction shouldn't be exactly like reality, or it would be really boring, but it doesn't need to have too much distance with reality, otherwise we can't believe it.

Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

The first thing I have to do was to get my hands on a weapon.

Hey aurora!! Sorry for saging so late in the week!!

About this piece. First off I like the tension and non-tension mix. There's a lot of the former and a little of the latter which makes for a break without being boring. The second thing i like about this piece is that it ends in a cliffhanger. Yay!

I just want to put it out that I love the continued development o the main character. I think I'm beginning to comprehend her much better than at first.

Moving on to the things I dislike about this piece. There are not many things bad here. Dialogue is awesome, in contrast to the first chapter. You do tend to mix up our grammar pretty bad in the main parts of the story. I don't know how to tell you without sounding pedantic, but more English homework! I will show a few examples below.

Another thing regarding grammar is that the tense of this story is very inconsistent. Is it taking place in the present tense? The past tense? I want to know for sure!

There are things you would prefer to omit for brevity. More on that later. It would be better to omit everything but the skeleton of the story and be able to build up on it than to have to cut down bad parts of a story. Good for morale!

Alright nitpicks.

[quote[After walking for a few hours, I sit down on the ground to eat something.[/quote]
Right here you have an extraneous "something" at the end of the sentence. We already know that something is being eaten, so something is pretty much repetition.

While gnawing on a piece of bread, I think up of a plan of action. The first thing I had to do was to get my hands on a weapon. Any weapon. And then- well, I had to find my ship and crew.

Without a captain, they would be captured and killed. Especially after being my crew.

I mentally slap myself and continue on my journey to town.

I near a small wooden cottage, with nothing exceptional about it at all- except that the owner, an old gryffon who sold weapons on the black market.

"I know, Lith, but I need weapons. and I happen to be in town. You'll be well paid for your efforts, I promise."

A notorious city for its black market, it was frequented by assassins, pickpockets, and pirates.

I look around and quickly realize that I'm in the captain's quarters.

A vampire, really? I take the biggest knife I have and slit his throat silently. His eyes jump open at the last second, and when his breath fades away, I smile to myself.

Wow. Pirates will be pirates, I see.

First off, I am still disappointed that she abandoned her brother. And now look, he's been captured! Silly pirate queen. If you'd just took him with you...

Moving on, these pirates are ruthless, aren't they? I just loved Tristian's excuse for sleeping with another woman. "I was grieving." YEAH OKAY. Still, not an excuse for Arianna to order her killed, and he just shrugs. Smh.

But the good thing is that you're making this realistic! Pirates with enemies, rum, sex, murder -- it's all what I see when I picture a pirate's life. Throw in a pareet, yes? xD

I did find one thing odd -- now here we have a pirate queen who slits the throat of her enemy and orders an innocent girl killed and lies and cheats and yet she pays to buy weapons from some dude? Why didn't she just kill him? Is it the pirate code of loyalty of whatever? If so, I think it'd be nice if you stated that, so we understand that a bit better. ^^

Overall, this is getting heated and I look forward to seeing what happens next!