Do this.
Say that.
Be yourself,
But not like that.
Double standards,
Second guesses,
Open mouths,
Closed minds.
Long sobs,
Heavy air,
Lots of cries,
Without care.
Spoke the words,
Killed them twice.
Thoughtless words
Faking nice
Tables turned.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Yoo! Herd you wanted some poetry reviews.
Okay, so you said this was a little choppy. That's because of the short snappy lines. Full sentences flow because they follow the way we speak. So that's just some advice on getting rid of some choppyness.
That flows a tad better. :3
On content, I like what your saying, but it's very sided. As in, when I read this, I automatically think if the female gender. This isn't a bad thing, but you said it was about bullying, and they're isn't much emotion so I'm guessing these aren't personal events in your life, so I'm assuming this is just a statement on bullying. The problem with statements is that you should try to include more aspects of bullying to a wider range if subjects. First thing that comes to mind is the male gender. I know you're probably thinking "I'm a girl, I don't know what bullying is like for a boy." which, again, is another problem with statements. [/rant]
Anyway, nice job!
-Hightop
Thank you for the review (even if we are in competition). I agree with the spoken words. Much better. I definitely want to add more to this. More stories/opinions, but I thought the first one was very general. Every could relate to it.
Maybe it just me then :3
The first stanza anyways.
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Technical:
"But not like that." If you remove "that", then it flows a little better.
"Open mouths,
Closed minds."
I get you're going for the open/closed contrast, but with the beats, it's three to two. I'm trying to think of a good way to keep that without changing it too much. I found one pair that might work: "unhinged/padlocked". They're both two beats, and it conveys the same idea.
"Long sobs,
Heavy air,"
The same with this one. However, since this isn't a contrasting pair, I think you could replace "long" with "anguished" and be just fine.
And then there's an odd number of lines in the second stanza. I feel like it needs just one more line to be complete.
Hope this helps!
The Knight Messenger here to review for the KotGR.
So, I love the short fast lines, it really complimented the theme I think, of all these things you are supposed to be, and getting all of these orders constantly and in such a fast manner.
After the line "Faking nice" you have no punctuation, and I believe you need a period. That is the only error I spotted.
Sorry that this review isn't very long, but I think you did a really good job, so not much bad stuff to point out. Good job.
Keep it up!