Trickled fate found me here.
Dried out bones brought no fear.
Bloody cries of shredded calls,
Did you survive that dreadful fall?
The broken dames brought their mess
An ugly stain on a pretty dress.
A Home made fire
From a well-to do liar,
Tell me if your secrets safe.
Tell me if you've gone insane.
Restless nightmares drain my eyes
I told you that I'm doing fine.
A darkened place, I know you've been
Do tell of the secrets, and of the sin!
There's nothing that I know
Of the Places I shouldn't go.
But i needed water for these dry bones.
Nobody loves being alone.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
The last line really brings it together. I simply love the way it ended. In fact, I love it all the way it is.
I love the way you've taken an old style and added your own special touch! It's simply beautiful, and completely dark. I love the fact that it's dark more than anything! Like a love poem gone wrong!!! That's what it is. It's a love poem that's looked into the eyes of death, and wrote about how it feels.
It doesn't sound like you wrote it. The poem wrote itself!
And that factor alone is simply magnificent and splendid in any andall ways.
Great work!
Good Luck To You!
Hello! Aley here to review.
I think this is a good example of a poem that's taken on a life of it's own. Through the poem I can see the development of the idea starting out as something that's just here because it sounded pretty, and moving on to something a little deeper, talking about an emotional response from an individual towards an event that has transpired.
In this execution you move between ideas that sift at the surface like panning for gold.
I think the biggest challenge of this poem is that you're talking as a dead person. We can tell that because the individual, is "dried out bones" which technically can't "bring" anything. However, bringing no fear to the "fate" that "found me here" is an interesting idea, considering it's not only personifying fate, but dead bones as well. This is isn't something that I'd encourage because you're using too many non-concrete images to develop an idea. We can't see fate trickling anywhere, and although we know what dried out bones look like, and we know fear on a face, we have no face to associate with the fear.
The use of prepositions is usually the cause of such confusions, but you've done this through the poem. Personally, I think you could improve it directly by taking away so much of the personification and words like "fate" and just go with living people. Let's continue with fate standing over a dead body and follow it through though, see how this leads.
Your cries either come from fate or somewhere mysterious but, as we know Fate has no fears, we'll assume it's from the bones. The introduction of "you" is interesting. We have, potentially, another character. Either the bones are asking this of Fate, or Fate of the bones, or the bones are asking this of another individual, Or, another individual is asking this of the bones. My instinct would be to say that fate is asking this of the bones, but fate wasn't scared, so it doesn't quite connect.
We're now introducing another group of people, dames, females in messy dresses. This sort of collaborative group effort is making it increasingly harder to keep track of what's going on. Who are they? Why are they there? What's going on with them? Where they just there to rhyme "mess" with "dress?" Do we need this line at all? These questions pop up because of the sudden addition.
Your next sentence moves on from that even farther. We're going from stains on dresses to burned down 'lairs' which doesn't rhyme with fire, by the way. "F-eye-er" "lay-er" just don't rhyme. If you meant "lair" as in a person who does not tell the truth, sure, but that's adding yet another person. So now our character list is:
Fate, Dried Bones, Person Screaming, Women, Liar
Now, we go back to our narrator, which may or may not be the dried bones. "Safe" and "Insane" don't rhyme either. It might be a slant rhyme, but I don't believe so. You continue to do this 'slant rhyme' stuff with dropping off the ending consonance sound for "fine" and "eyes" which one is an n, the other's the s. Usually we wouldn't even say eyes and eye rhyme because of the S, although it would be considered a slant rhyme.
Back to the story you're weaving. Someone's dead, fate found them, no, fate wasn't scared of them, someone was screaming though, and asking if they survived, which would be totally late considering they're already bones. There was a bunch of girls in pretty dresses, and a fire, more questions that aren't directed at anyone in particular, then nightmares, presumably from the dead body. Somehow the question got answered. Well, the fire is out, since it's dark, or is it just that they aren't looking at it? Where was this fire? Oh wait, nope this is a question again, asking for a story. The other person talking denies that they've done anything they shouldn't.
Suddenly we're back to the fact that it's dried out bones, and an assumption about everyone.
Overall, your story in this poem is too scattered. I can assume, or put together that this is a poem about loss, that somehow the person's soul has singled itself out and abandoned other people, that they've become depressed and withdrawn, thus becoming like dried out bones. The thing is, you've got so much going on that it's not just a symbol of what the emotion feels like, like fire burning down home, or stains on everything good in life. You're not giving us room to breathe and to let the ideas fester.
On top of that, you've thrown rhyming into it.
For the rhyming, everything I'd ever want to tell you about rhyming, with what to do, what not to do, names, types, and suggestions for how to help get rhyming under hand will show up in one of these two places:
Rhyme...all the time!
Secret Treasures in Poetic Devices
With the other thing, the frantic story going on in here instead of the space to allow things to grow, I'm going to suggest a challenge.
Save this poem, and set it aside for a while. When you're ready, take this poem and re-read it. Once you're done, pick the image that stands out to you the most, and write a poem about that image, making us see that image. Give us minute details to paint a picture just of the image. When you're done with that single image, see how the poem turned out. You should just be writing about one thing, a solid thing that we can see, and you can see, or rather, something concrete. Then, when you're done showing us this image of something concrete, name the poem something abstract which the image represents, and post it. See what response you get.
I like how in-depth you went with this. But you missed the points of the story, because you assumed from the start it was about death. Which, it's true that it is, but it's about the death of love in this character's life. The dreadful fall was them falling in love. They're asking the audience if they've ever survived that fall. The broken dames are the women who stole the love away from the speaker. The well-to liar (not lair) was the one who caused the fire. They have a talk again, and the speaker wants to know where they've been. It says "There's nothing that I know/Of the Places I shouldn't go" "Places" is capitilized to go back to the person who hurt them. They don't want to know that love again, but they need the water for the dried out bones. If that makes any sense. You went the wrong way with the symbolism, and it left you confused.
However, that being said, is there a better way I can show that the symbolism is suppose to be the death of love versus the death of a person? I think it's interesting how you found that conclusion and I'd like to improve upon this.
Thank you for your review because it brought much insight to this piece of scribbles that I wrote. I'll look through it again and see if I can't make the symbolism better and more apparent.
Sophiewrites here to write a review!
I find the title a bit long maybe you wanna overthink that?
Other than that, touché my dear! I loved your poem and I think it's so well written, the rhymes are good, the flow is right. The tone is sad, it's desperate it's a cry for help you make at 4 am.
My favourite lines were 'I told you that I'm doing fine'' it made me a bit choked up to be honest, even though it's an overused theme you portrayed it very well! Furthermore, the last line is amazing, a perfect ending to an amazing piece of work.
You made a new fan by now!
regards,
sophie
Review
This is a great poem. It had great rhyme. It really made the reader connect to the character. Great work, keep it up! Now for some additional things I would like to add here.
Positives
1. The poem had great detail.
2. There's a lesson to the story
I think this poem was great! I hope to see more work from you soon. Your a great writer. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
keep writing
~cassaundra~