You could never love the night.
The darkness gave you a fright.
But the light of the night gave you his love,
And you scoffed at the Moon way above
You thought you were entitled to such greater things.
You wanted to make the Sun swoon and sing.
You refused to love the man on the Moon,
And your life with the sun is surely doomed.
Even though the moon always loved you,
You were attracted to the hear that burned you.
And night after night you cried yourself to sleep,
And the moon stayed up, counting each weep.
You never figured out what was so wrong,
And the sun used just you all the day long.
But at the end of the day, between light and dark,
You finally distinguished the two worlds apart.
So you came to the Moon in the middle of the night,
And you were calmed by the softness of his light.
You begged and pleaded for his forgiveness,
Only to find out he had found a more loyal misses.
Now you're in-between the dawn and the dusk,
Wondering why you traded a great love for lust.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,034 Literary Works • 672,916 Reviews
This poem was deep and i fell in loved with this. My favorite line was "Now you're in-between the dawn and the dusk,
Wondering why you traded a great love for lust." it was great and deep. The only thing I would change is when you used you twice to rhyme everything else was great but when i came across that it felt out of sequence. But in all in all the poem was great and it made feel a lot. Keep writing.
Hi! Pako here I'll try to review this poem for you.
I like this poem, because I like poems with great rhymes specially in English. I'm not that fluent in English so I really enjoy reading English poems with great rhymes, it's like I'm learning every time I read
This part makes me sad:
"And night after night you cried yourself to sleep,
And the moon stayed up, counting each weep."
But all in all like the idea and the rhymes
-Pako
Don't you ever stop tweaking this!!
I'm not a fan of poetry but I love this subject content. It's genius! & sweet and charming.
I would recommend not trying to hard to rhyme...let them fall into place. Even if their near rhymes it will still work.
I'm not a poetry expert so I can't really help you with the technical side of things. My favourite lines;
"So you came to the Moon in the middle of the night,
And you were calmed by the softness of his light."
I would try expanding on the contrast of how the moon and sun make the subject feel.
Good luck! Don't give up!
Olive <3
Thank you. I'll try my best to make it better.
I'm not trying to be mean, but I didn't like this poem. It had no rhythm. You were so focused on just trying to rhyme that you forgot the other elements of a poem. Not all poems rhyme. But all poems DO need rhythm. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of couplets that don't make sense.
The other thing I don't like is that the lines are so long, and there are no stanzas. The thing is, you're so focused on rhyming, but the lines don't even rhyme properly in places of this poem.
I really hate to mean. I'm not usually this critical. And what you say this is about, the battle between love and lust is not conveyed well AT ALL. So I really do apologize, but I'm sure you, as a poet, could do much better.
Yeah I wasn't sure about it. I know it needs a lot of tweaking. That's why I put it on here. I like the idea behind it. And I like imagining it, but I've been having trouble conveying it. I wanted some feedback though, which is why I posted it.
Good. I'm really happy I didn't offend you. I thought it was a good idea, though.
It took me back a little bit, but I needed an honest opinion on it.
If you could go review some of my other works, I'd really appreciate it.
Yeah sure, no problem