How do you tell a child who has depended on you their entire life
That you no longer will have the means to provide?
What do you say to a child who has looked up to you with confidence and pride in their eyes
That all their dreams have been crushed like flies?
How do you tell a child everything they've ever known has been swept away like grains of sand on a rainy day?
Do you tell them everything will be okay, or do you stratch your head and think,
"I don't have the words to say"
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hey girl! Still review day, time for reviewing!
So generally for good rhythm, you'd want this line to be exactly or close to the same amount of syllables as line one. So line one is 19 and then line three is 23. So not too much difference, bbbuuttttt you can do a little shaving. I also think 19 is too many. Try for maybe 15 or something. I think this poem is a little wordy, so there are small words and phrases that can be cut but not change the meaning. Personally, I would take out "to a child who has" and replace is with "when they have" or instead of using "they" use the gender of the child you had in mind to stick with the singular. Or I would take out "with confidence and" because honestly, pride is enough, or love maybe.
Plus I sort of glossed over line two, but I advice taking out "will."
OR! Sorry, another suggestion for line three, if you don't like either of my previous two suggestions then just cut out "in their eyes" since that's already implied when you say "who has looked."
Okay so in the first four lines you have near rhyme going on "life" to "provide" and "eyes" to "flies." I don't know if that was intentional, but the rhyme drops off after that. I think you should stick with it, try to keep using the subtle rhyming.
In which case lines four and five need to be changed, also line four is way too long.
So I would cut off line one after "known" but "day" doesn't rhyme with that so you'd have to change the metaphor slightly. Just a suggestion: "has been broken, like grains of sand cut down from stone." Or, you know, something way better than that
So I'm not realizing your rhyme scheme is every other, but I still think you should rhyme the way I previously mentioned because it was already on it's way there. So then it would be AAAABBBB.
That being said, you'd also have to change lines seven and eight. But I've mentioned before about strong endings and this is not a strong ending. If the narrator is going to say actual words they have to be powerful! I already know she doesn't have the words, that's what the poem's about, so give me something new, something better, something significant.
But it was a good poem, you always take topics that need to be written about and write about them. This length is good for this poem, and I' pretty sure in your description you said you weren't confident in your writing skills. Well let me tell you, you're god. Okay? You are a good writer. So I hope you take some of the things I've said into consideration. But until next time.
Change is gone.
Team Rouge.
The rhyme and rhymes were great! It has a interesting story behind it, I haven't seen many poems on here about children or any struggle involving a child. If the poem was formatted a little differently this would definitely pass for a couplet poem which use to be my favorite style of poetry when I was younger. I really think this is a great piece and it ended perfectly!
Hi, ArianaSarroyo. Dd, or "Dee Dee" here with a review! I've been reviewing a bit of poetry lately, and I couldn't let this one just get away from me! Usually, when pieces are untitled, they give me interest, because I don't yet know what the story or poem is going to be about. That's what brought me here! So, off the review!
Now, correct me if I'm wrong here, but I can tell that this is written from past experiences. From my perspective, someone can't write something so short, yet so bold without experiencing the hardship(s) described in the poem. It just doesn't seem possible. Why, I even know of authors who put themselves through what their characters would have to go through to correctly convey emotion. You captivated me from the very beginning!
This poem had a nice flow. As the reader, I went through it smoothly without any interruption. That's probably because of how you divided the lines. Keep that up. I really like it.
One thing, though. Although I enjoyed this poem, something irked me a bit from the end. I realize that poems don't require punctuation, but in this one, you seemed to have punctuation in it. ""I don't have the words to say." That should have a period, like so. That's probably just me, though. But, if you're trying to say that the story of this child doesn't end there, because there're more hardships coming their way, then, yes, it'd be better to keep it like it is.
Overall, I really loved this poem! It was brief, yet packed a lot of emotion. Keep it up!
This review is for the honor and glory of the Knights of the Green Room
Now, this poem was well written. It all rhymed good, you have a talent for creating emotions in just eight lines . . . yet this poem seems so sad. This is something I really don't enjoy. When a poem is about something sad, you must have something hopeful at the end, or somewhere in it, that will give the reader some hope as they read. If not (at least for me this is true) I just feel sad for whoever these people were, and it sounds like they have no hop themselves. But good writing.
Keep it up!
PeanutPhoebe, here for a review. Very interesting!! This could have used a little more background to it. Why are you saying this to the child? Who is the child? What happened that made you unable to provide for the child? Things like that. The rhyming was pretty good. However, the beat was sometimes a little off. I don't mean to sound negative, because it's and interesting, great poem!! Keep writing and improving!! Great work.
Phoebe