Eden

Hello. I have just come here from one of your other works, and I saw your extremely long list of extra items. And, me being the egocentric king that I am, I clicked on the title that was most similar to one of my own. But enough about me. What about your title? This kind of confused me. But I will assume it is a very clever device with the opposite thingy, but I'm not clever enough to understand. Your only flaw here, like the review below me pointed out, and similar to your poem that I just previously read, it needs more of a finite ending, to give the poem more shape. Perhaps if you added a small rhyming couplet to the end?
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

Very good. I am going to assume that your lack of punctuation is a type of literary device, so I will not make a comment on that.

I liked the idea of this being the opposite of an Eden. The Garden of Eden was a beautiful, pure, perfect place and the irony of this being called an Eden fits the somber mood of the poem.

If I would make one nitpicky statement, it would be that the end felt rather abrupt. Poem, poem, poem, END! I feel like if you went back and examined that last stanza, or perhaps even added another one, you could create even more catharsis and emotion within your readers by slowly drawing the poem to a close, leaving us haunted by the last words. The ending that is there right now feels like it suddenly drops me off and all of that built up emotion dissipates.

Other than that, it was quite good. Thank you for putting it on here!

--Xreigon

to answer all of your questions as to why it's called "Eden," I would like to say that I picked it because I found it kind of.... I don't, ironic? In a good way, not like, making fun or anything. It shows the contrast between the poem and your expectations? maybe? I really just picked it because I couldn't think of a name, and I thought This one went pretty well in a sense of mood.
Or maybe this takes place in a world so horrible that if you had just these things bad happen to you, it would feel like Eden compared to the rest of the world.

Thanks for all your comments guys! I'll work on some of the things you've said!

Hi fortis,
I'm Hanorah and ill be reviewing your poem today!
I really liked this poem,
It was quite fascinating and descriptive.
I have no idea why it's called Eden though?
Maybe you should add more punctuation.
Overall,great poem I would give it 10/10.
Well done!!

I loved this poem and I must say great job I had to keep reading when I saw the words The darkened sky The hallowed ground so I kept reading to find many words I love in it anyways I think it should have another paragraph as fascinating as it is I found it rather short and its was a bit strange as I'm not sure why you called it Eden but over all it was a good poem thank you for taking the time to read this review

My favorite stanzas are number 2 and the last.
This is a very clear poem, but for stanza 4, last line, I think 'Without a known source' works better, mostly because the previous flow is slightly offset by the repetition of sounds (no/known). If you have good diction and are reciting this aloud, it's not at all a big deal though.

It is contradictory, but I will get into why I like that....
It gives a very accurate description of fear and helplessness. I especially like what you used in stanza two.
The cold fire of fear.
This is very true. When some are so scared they are fleeing, they'll sweat, but they'll feel so overtaken that any warmth or comfort will be entirely missing. Therefore, the oxymoron 'cold fire' is a beautiful choice, not just a contradiction.

I feel like there is a missing part to the poem... It's all tragedy and fear and helplessness, where is the tranquility that comes with Eden?

You are dawdling too much around perfect rhyme, and instead you should be focused on expressing your main point. This is why this poem is sort of um, well, I'd have to say distracted. But the rhyming is good.

The ending is so sad and emotional -- A great conclusion to such an emotionally charged piece. Good job and I will check out your other poems too, fellow Hot Saucer!

Hi, Eden, June here!

I got the impression that this poem was trying to tell us something, but I feel like the message is inhibited and not well delivered. I think you’re onto something with your style of imagery, using words that suggest an object like ossify to help solidify the scenery of your poem.

However, I’m afraid that you’re limiting yourself in your ability to express your ideas with your rhyme scheme, dear. Rhyme should be a force that enables your poem, drives it forward with rhythm, but simultaneously keeps the ideas moving a story forward. In this particular poem, the title in addition to the poem suggests a time of serenity and peace after a tumultuous and trying period, but there’s no actual confirmation of that in the poem to seal that idea, dearie.

Another issue I found that held your poem back from flowing smoothly was the frequent usage of the word “the”. You will find that many times in poetry, artists prefer to eliminate the word from their works rather than continuously use it because it takes up an entire syllable of space without contributing much to the poem. I’m not saying you should eliminate it altogether, but I think it would do you well to concentrate on where you do use it and do so sparingly because it’s valuable space you could use to expand the horizons of the poem. Instead, try to use the space to connect your ideas to one another, allow the lines to transition into one another and smoothly tell a story.

So! To wrap up: I think that you have a good focus on imagery here, but I think you’ve put rhyme before your message here. I think you have a good grasp of rhyme scheme, too; there weren’t many out-of-left-field rhymes; rather, they all contributed to the story and that’s an exceptional quality to have on your side. Pay attention to how you use the words you choose, and read your poem aloud when you’re done to get a feel for how it sounds.

Keep writing,
June

This poem is contradictory in places, like cold fire. I understand that sometimes when you're burned it feels cold, or it could be from hypothermia, or frost burn, but it is odd. Half of this poem is about nature, the other half is about a human, running, tortured, etc. This complex contradiction makes it harder to follow than Eden (The name of the Bible's sanctuary) for this poem's title. I'd think it would be called Purgatory or something like that.

That said, I feel like we need to work on descriptive text with this poem. Instead of saying things like running, and repeating it, describe the pain in the legs, the burning of sweat down their hot back, aching lungs. Take a nice long run and describe how it feels, then put in the fear of escaping with that and you'll have yourself a really great poem for the sensory imagery for the poem.

I would suggest, for now, focusing on one or the other. Either focus on the nature side of things, or focus on the person running. That being said, you might just lop off the first few lines and then work in some more of the imagery and physical feeling of running.

Hi there, Fortis ^-^ And happy review day (Go Tsunami Tyrants! Hehehe)
Firstly, I adore the name c: Just thought I’d throw that in there. Reading the title made me want to check it out lol
Anyhoo, back to business:
“The wave of the wind
The darkened sky
The hallowed ground
The rocks ossify.”

I wasn’t familiar with this last word, so I looked in up in the dictionary (WordWeb is a great Free Download, I’d suggest it to anyone who writes)
It said that it means:
“To Become bony” or,
“Make rigid and set into a conventional pattern” and,
“Cause to become hard and bony”

I found the word very interesting in your piece (you also taught me a new word! Lol) and I have to say you have impeccable writing skills. Very unique style and technique. You clearly take your passion seriously and to its highest pike c:

I LOVED this part in particular, it shows your personal style very well:

“The cold fire of fear
Blinded from this
Crystalline atmosphere.”

I’m amazed by that line and there’s nothing that could improve that stanza.

In addition to all that, I honestly don’t know what to say. I’m amazed and can’t give you any tips :p this is great.
“Panicked expressions
Perpetual disease
The faltering footstep
The crashing of bodies.

A hostage of the mind
Taken by force
Insanity peaks
With no known source.”

Sensational. Don’t change a thing about it.
The only things that set me off were the ending. I felt like it was tacked on and disconnected from the rest of the beautiful piece. I’d suggest polishing the last stanza. I felt it was lacking at the end, and the atmosphere died a bit.
Anyhoo, good luck with your piece ^-^ Keep writing and hope to read more from you c:

Catnip~

This is soo cool!

I picture a Apocalypse scene, its very interesting though.

I really like "The cold fire of fear" that's my favorite line out of them all.

It's really good, and sad.

But overall its really good.

Thanks,

pegasusgirl2

Oh my gosh, this is, like, a sad poem You told me so! Anyways, let me give you a sweet review for this sad work!

Well, in a way, it is sad...uh huh. Um, I think it WILL be MORE sad if you try to create a more concrete narrative out of the piece. See, if you want sadness to pique out of your piece, then at least a story or the description of the feeling (read: lyric poems) would do. In this piece, you focused more on the things you saw while crying and all that. You noticed the rock, the wind, the panicked expressions, the loud crashes etc. etc. But did we, you most loving readers felt anything? Well, not exactly. It would be better if you'd try putting in things that we would feel instead of only see and hear. Meat it up fortis!

Try to make a good flow by inserting a part of a story in each stanza; use verbs, not only nouns, yo! Make it progress until you reach your very sad end. In that end, pour it all out! Squeeze those sadness out using figurative language and adjectives! Yes!

The wave of the wind
The darkened sky
The hallowed ground
The rocks ossify.

A hostage of the mind

This to me is so beautiful. The imagery hear is so touching. What exactly is this poem about? Its so simple, yet so complex. I love it. There is really nothing i can critique. Good job

This is amazing! Gish, I wish I could write like you! But, hmmmm...

I don't really see anything wrong with this...

It is actually really, really great!

Thanks for reading until here <3

~Belle