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The Eclipse of my Skin

by StoryWeaver13


I used to count stars the way
I count acne spots, and I’d trace
my fingers through the delicate sky
and pull away, as if I expected
the black fabric to unravel in my hands.
 
I now play connect-the-dots
as I work across my grimacing face,
disapproving of it all,
of this newfound universe
 that’s transposed itself upon my skin.
 
I’ve never been beautiful.
Yet I didn’t care when I was swept away
by the awe of the waking universe, rustled
by the shivering leaves of a pale
summer morning that draped trees in naked strands
 of incandescent lacewing filaments of light.
 
I never cared when I was young
and my skin fluxed uneven in the sun
with blistered feet and swollen, calloused
hands, because in my eyes the glory
of the world was what was more a phenomenon
than I could ever procreate before my own
unsatisfied eyes, doubled in the mirror.
 
I didn’t care until I met you.
It wasn’t your fault, but it was mine
for ever believing that you
could mean the world to me, or that
I could lure you into letting me be 
your pretty little universe.


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27 Reviews


Points: 5634
Reviews: 27

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Sun Mar 31, 2013 6:08 pm
alanafiredancer wrote a review...



Hello I am Firedancer here to do a review of your excellent poem.

First of might I say that this is a very descriptive and amazing poem considering on how long it took you? Two minutes is way to little for me to even come up with an idea, much less to hold and elaborate on it. The way that you thought up this in such a quick fashion is proof that you have creativity for sure.


I liked how you portrayed the night sky as a black piece of cloth and described as being delicate.

Yet I didn’t care when I was swept away
by the awe of the waking universe, rustled
by the shivering leaves of a pale
summer morning that draped trees in naked strands
of incandescent lacewing filaments of light. Okay this whole little stanza is amazing. Amazing and beautiful imagery. Very beautiful words to describe a summer morning.

I like how you fit the uncaring personality of youth. The time when we were all unconcerned by our looks and just reveled in the awe of youth, and "how the glory
of the world was what was more a phenomenon
than I could ever procreate before my own
unsatisfied eyes, doubled in the mirror."

Some people who do free verse take it as an excuse to be lazy and just scribble stuff down and usually I don't like it when they do that. You however, used very beautiful metaphors and imagery to efficiently and expertly convey your meaning into this poem.


Keep up the good work and keep writing for sure!




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1313 Reviews


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Sat Mar 23, 2013 5:12 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hmm. There's a lot going on in this poem. I wonder if you intended it to grasp at so many things? Obviously our lives deal with many things at once, so it's true to life, but I think it might need a little more time to simmer and really bring each element to life. The first thing that both caught and repelled me was the comparison of stars to the acne. In the first stanza it was very blunt and didn't seem original. But in that second stanza with the use of the word "transposed", it was very specifically NOT that you thought your face had naturally been the universe, but that it was copied and put down there, that maybe there was a copier, too. I like that idea. That comparison seems more genuine and physical to me than just saying, "the acne on my face looks like a constellation". I prefer the second stanza's iteration.

Now, after this, you say you didn't care before. You didn't care when you were young, but that hit me wrong because when you were young you didn't really have acne. So it seems a little bit irrelevant to go that far back? How about when it first started appearing? How'd you feel then? What did the people around you feel?

And what I'm really interested in is the way that suddenly this girl cares that she has acne (or are acne spots referring to something else?) when she meets another person -- I assume with romantic interest -- which would usually translate to being ashamed or upset that she's not pretty yet, but your poem comes off sounding positive and enthralled at the end? The Pretty little universe line? Was that your intention? To kind of mix it up a bit?

Anyway, I hope my impressions will be helpful in your editing process. PM me if you have questions or comments or want to talk further. Good luck and keep writing!




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13 Reviews


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Reviews: 13

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Thu Mar 21, 2013 3:10 am
morgansboss wrote a review...



This is really good. My English class is currently covering an in-depth section over the different types of poetry, and may I just say that I was wowed by your piece. The way your words connect and flow together... it's brilliant. May I ask though, when first writing this, did you have a specific type of poetry in mind or did you just sit down and do whatever came naturally? Sorry, it really doesn't make a difference but I'm curious.





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