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139,401 Literary Works • 672,549 Reviews
Hey, Aurora99! Squeezing in one last review!
I dropped in at the fifth chapter, and I still enjoyed this. Well-measured pace, well-executed descriptions, well-chosen names. Gah. Just "well" in general. Or amazing. "Amazing" suits your writing better.
This has it all: fairies (or faeries), dryads, nymphs, vampires, and Death. Death--such a succulent theme. You could weave so much philosophy out of it. But your voice ... isn't quite philosophical. I'm still trying to grasp it. It's strong, but not necessarily well-defined. Vivid imagery, perfect balance between action and description, and I get the impression that you're capable of humor ... but philosophy? Or ignore me. This is nitpicking to the core, and honestly, I don't feel too strongly about what I just criticized.
Normally I'd be tagging this kind of thing as cliché, but I adore the repetition: "[Object] + as + [color] + as [object]." What's more, each word is a single syllable, and that establishes a gorgeous flow. It's just tiny details like this that make my day
Your grammar's impeccable, as well. I wish that I could make this review longer, but you've really left me speechless. I'm starved for more
Onto the meager nitpicks ...
Square the hyphen, and Word will automatically correct it to — . It looks a lot cleaner, and hyphens are meant to connect words, not entire clauses.
Accidently switched to past tense here. "Had" should be "have."
Accidently switched to past tense here, too. The comma after "light" should also be exchanged for a colon.
Okay, once again, nitpicking to the core, but I advise that you provide more contrast between your names. Oops, that came out sounding harsh. I love the names; they suit the characters well. But readers could confuse "Nate" and "Naith" in the future. Sometimes readers can be incredibly dense
You should italicize something whenever you're quoting or simply surround it with quotes. When Naith recites that poem, we have to know that she's not just making something up on the spot.
That's all I have. Looking forward to more!
I'm starting to really like where you are going with this. I noticed that this is the first time that Aurora really displays her magical powers. From the moment they started walking, it seems that Aurora, Ci and Nate began a quest... and so the plot thickens.
Ok. So. I noticed a sentence where the emotions need to be displayed a little more.
“Me? No. It cannot be.” My words are met with silence."
For me, this could be a little more... for lack of a better word, dramatic?
For example,
"Me? No! This cannot be!" My pleads are met with sharp silence."
That was a little clunky, but I think you get the point.
That's all I really found, except slight spelling, and grammar.
The Morgan Le Fay reference... I'm guessing you plan to somehow entwine Arthurian legend into this story?
Keep up the good work!
Hello, rhia here to review!
Nitpicks first:
your verb tenses don't agree, it should either be "realized what a spoiled life I had led" or "realize what a spoiled life I have led"
I'm kinda confused as to why the "WE" is all caps.
Instead of repeating the word green, which is kinda boring, find another adjective to define the grass, or an adverb to describe the greenness of the grass.
little typo, just should be an
I'm not real big on vampires, I think they're overplayed, but I do like other types of mythology, so this was pretty alright to me. Just work on making sure all your verb-subject tenses agree, they're a little all over right now.
Thank you!!!
This princess sounds a lot like snow white (I haven't read your other chapters so I wouldn't know) and she is a vampire/fairy/nymph thing.
This has some potential. I'm curious as to what happens next. I'm tired so I'll just get on with the review.
Nitpicks
Spoiler
-that we is very enthusiastic, isn't it?
- a n? I think you mean an
Morgana Lee Fay? A bit cliche but ok...
Well this is turning out for. Keep writing,
-lost
Morgan Le Fay... that was on purpose, love! I hope to incorporate some Arthurian (is that even a word?) legend later on