Starlight: Chapter 3 (Part I)

by yizhongt

Published May 12, 2016

12+

In Starlight

The next day started rather poorly for Marthan and Shayla as they both got lost trying to get to the Bastion’s grand dining hall, which was the largest dining hall found in the Bastion. It took the duo a good half hour to find the hall, and by the time they did, they were famished. Shayla made the comment that it would take awhile for them to get used to the sheer size of the Bastion, and he agreed with her wholeheartedly. The sheer size of the Bastion meant that it would take awhile for he and his fellow initiates to know the floor plans of the Bastion.

The Grand Dining Hall was grand as the name suggested. black and gold banners of the Corps hung down on the left and right side of the hall’s high ceiling. Intricately carved crystals which glowed warmly hung downwards in the middle section of the hall. The floors and the columns was made out of the same beautiful polished marble that was used in the construction of other parts of the Bastion.

Besides Marthan and Shayla, there were only a handful of other people in the hall. Some of them were in small groups while some dined alone. Marthan and Shayla took their food and made their way to one of the many beautiful and intricately carved wooden tables that were found throughout the hall.

“I hope we don’t get lost later on,” remarked Shayla as she took a bite out of her scrambled eggs.

“Me too,” said Marthan before taking a sip out of his cup of tea, “we would not want to be appear tardy to our future masters.” If there was one thing that Marthan hated more than anything, it was tardiness. He took another sip out of his tea and was careful not to spill a single drop of it on his new Paladin’s initiate robe. Like him, Shayla also wore the robes of a Paladin initiate. Unlike the robes of a full fledged Paladin, the initiate’s robe only had the colour silver.

After finishing breakfast, the duo immediately made their way to the small circular hall they were gathered at yesterday. Unlike finding the Grand Dining Hall, finding the hall they were supposed to gather at was fairly easy as they remembered how to get to it. Marthan and Shayla were the first to arrive, but soon they were joined by another fellow initiate. The initiate that had just joined Marthan and Shayla had smooth green coloured skin with two large eyes. The initiate also had webbed hands and ears, and three long tendrils that protruded from its head. Marthan recognised that the initiate that had just entered the room to be a Kift from Kifto Prime.

“Hi there, I’m Marthan,” greeted Marthan with a smile to the newest entry to the room. Shayla followed her friend’s lead and greeted the newest entry as well.

“Greetings, I’m Kiaan,” greeted the Kift with a smile on his face which stretched from webbed ear to webbed ear.

“So are you excited about meeting your master?” asked Shayla.

“Of course I am!” exclaimed Kiaan excitedly. “Who isn’t?” Marthan and Shayla nodded eagerly.

“So where did you do your basic training at?” queried Marthan curiously.

“I did my basic training on Pangkor IV,”answered Kiaan in response to Marthan’s question.

“I’m not familiar with that planet,” remarked Marthan, curiosity etched on his face, “tell me more about it.’’

“It’s a world that is mostly covered with water save a few scattered islands. It’s located somewhere in the Mid Rim,” answered Kiaan, “just off the Tre’ganu trade route. It’s a beautiful planet with crystal clear seas.”

“Sounds like a place I would like to visit if given the chance,” Shayla piped in. “Wouldn’t you like to visit that planet too Marthan?”

Marthan nodded his head in agreement. “I would if given the opportunity. I won’t pass up the chance to visit such a pristine and beautiful planet.” He imagined the sea waves crashing softly against his feet.

“Where did you two do your basic training?” asked Kiaan in return.

“ Marthan did his training on his homeplanet, Aldrila, while I did mine on my homeplanet of Izos,” answered Shayla.

“I’ve never heard of those two planets before,” remarked Kiaan, “what are they like?” For the next few minutes, both Marthan and Shayla described their respective homeworlds to Kiaan who listened intently to the duo. During that time, more initiates began entering the hall. Marthan noted that noise in the hall increased as more and more initiates entered the small circular hall.

The noise level in the hall dropped to a whisper when Paladin Koreiger and Paladin Zholl entered the hall. Both Paladins were carrying a stack of datapads. Xarvis and Zholl were not alone though, there were joined by another humanoid. The humanoid with Xarvis and Zholl was tall, reptilian like, had a sweeping head crest and a rather large tail. Marthan recognised who that humanoid was. It was Master Jaiden Timms, the Slervum member of the Paladin High Council.

“Who’s the other guy with Master Xarvis and Zholl?” whispered Shayla to Marthan.

“That’s High Master Jaiden Timms of the Paladin High Council.”

“How do you know that?” whispered Kiaan who was standing on Marthan’s left.

“I’ve seen a picture of him in a news report which detailed the Corps’ success in ending the six decade long civil war on Krorea. He was the leader of the Corps’ delegation to the peace summit.”

“Greeting initiates,” said High Master Timms loudly with an air of command and sophistication in his voice. The noise level in the hall dropped to a whisper as soon as the initiates heard Master Timms’ voice. “Firstly, I would like to apologise on behalf on the High Council and the Corps for the delay in assigning you all to your respective masters. I know that you all are very eager to meet your masters. Therefore we shall not waste any more time, if you hear your name being called out by either Paladin Koreiger or Zholl, step forward and take the datapad given to you. The name of your assigned master will be listed on it as well as where to meet him, her or it.”

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2016

Hello and happy review day! :D I apologize that I haven't read the previous installments of this work, but I'm here to get this out of the green room!

I can't say much about the overall plot or characters or anything, but I have a couple of big picture thoughts for you. First of all, I think this part of the chapter can be condensed. I know this is the first part of the chapter and I'm sure way more exciting things are coming, which is great. It's fine if the chapter starts out a bit slow. However, you don't want to spend too much time on things that aren't moving the plot forward.

So think about chapter three as a whole. What is your overall goal with chapter three? How is the plot going to move forward? What are the characters going to do to either get closer to their goal, encounter another obstacle to their goal, or raise the stakes of their goal? I'm guessing in this chapter the main point is going to center around these guys being assigned their mentor. Great. That sounds important :)

The majority of your chapter should center around that major goal. Obviously you're going to need to do a bit of set-up and including some characterization and other things are important as well, but don't lose sight of that goal. I'm worried that with this chapter you're spending too much time with the set-up. This whole segment feels like set-up. When I read a book, I want to get through the set-up stuff relatively quickly so I can get into the good stuff (the goal).

With this section, I'm not saying you shouldn't include it, but I do think you should look at it really carefully to see what you really need to tell the story and what can go. Do we really need all of those paragraphs detailing how they get to where they're going? Do we really need that conversation in there with some of the others detailing where people are from and what it's like there. Stuff like that. Maybe you need that stuff, maybe you don't. You're the author and it's your story, so you're the one that has to critically think about each element of your story and figure out what can stay and what should go.

The other thing I wanted to mention is a little smaller scale. I noticed that you tend to get a bit repetitive in your words. One example of this is:

The next day started rather poorly for Marthan and Shayla as they both got lost trying to get to the Bastion’s grand dining hall[/blue], which was the largest dining [color=blue]hall found in the Bastion. It took the duo a good half hour to find the hall, and by the time they did, they were famished. Shayla made the comment that it would take awhile for them to get used to the sheer size of the Bastion, and he agreed with her wholeheartedly. The sheer size of the Bastion meant that it would take awhile for he and his fellow initiates to know the floor plans of the Bastion.

I highlighted some words that are used a lot in this paragraph. Some repetition is fine obviously, but too much is just that, too much.
Beyond just word choice, even some of the ideas seem to repeat themselves a bit too. Here we have:
1. They're trying to find this big dining hall.
2. It takes them a long time to find the dining hall and now they're hungry.
3. It's going to take them some time to get used to finding everything because it's a big place.
4. It's a big place and it's going to be hard to find things.
Those last two sentences are saying very similar things. You don't need both of them.

One way to catch this type of stuff in your work is to change the whole document to a different size and/or font than you typically write in so the page looks different to you. Then read it out loud.

I'll leave things there for now, but please keep on writing and let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D

User avatar
Mageheart
Review
Mageheart wrote a review Review · May 12, 2016

Hi yizhongt! Mage here to do the promised review! :D

Still feeling the Star Wars vibe, but in a good way. And, like before, your world building continues to impress me, along with your descriptions. I love how you keep introducing different planets and species.

So let's get onto the nitpicky stuff, shall we?

It took the duo a good half hour to find the hall, and by the time they did, they were famished.


There should be a comma between "and" and "by".

black and gold banners of the Corps hung down on the left and right side of the hall’s high ceiling.


The "b" in "black" should be capitalized.

Xarvis and Zholl were not alone though, there were joined by another humanoid.


There is several problems with this sentence. "There" should "they". It's also a run-on sentence. My suggested is to put a comma before "though" and a hyphen after it.

The humanoid with Xarvis and Zholl was tall, reptilian like, had a sweeping head crest and a rather large tail.


"Reptilian like" should have a dash connecting the two words.

said High Master Timms loudly with an air of command and sophistication in his voice. The noise level in the hall dropped to a whisper as soon as the initiates heard Master Timms’ voice.


You use "voice" two times, both at the end of sentences right after each other. I would suggest taking out "in his voice".

The last thing I wanted to point out is the characters themselves. I understand Marthan is punctual (finally, someone like me!) and Shayla usually does the majority of the talking when meeting new people, but other than that, I don't see any defining traits of the characters. It could be there isn't enough story to have those yet, but if you don't have them planned, my advice is to add them into the story in the future.

I really enjoyed reading this chapter, and can't wait to see what happens next. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D



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