z

Young Writers Society


12+

Starlight: Chapter 1 (Part II)

by yizhongt


Marthan and Shayla had been talking for hours, telling each other about their respective families, their life before joining the Paladin Order as initiates and how they became initiates in the Order. Marthan found the conversation he had with Shayla to be engaging, and he hoped that she thought so as well.

“So who do you want to have as your master?” asked Shayla.

“I’ve got no preference actually,” answered Marthan, “as long as he or she is willing to teach me, I don’t mind who I get. How about you?”

“Well I hope that I could get Master Liana Sunrunner as my master,” answered Shayla who had a twinkle in her eyes.

“I think I’ve heard of her before in my readings. Is she the one crippled a weapons smuggling ring in the Trionak system?” 

“The very same!” said Shayla with enthusiasm in her voice. “She also managed to get both parties fighting in the Aporian civil war to sit down at the negotiating table, which led to the signing of a peace treaty between the two parties that ended the decade long civil war. In addition to those feats, she also single handedly defeated Warlord Geda of Laskaria and his band of marauders that were harassing passenger liners and cargo ships in the Laskarian system. She’s amazing.”

“Those are impressive feats indeed,” acknowledged Marthan as he stroked his hairless chin, “it takes a great diplomat and warrior to accomplish those feats.”

“I know, I really hope I get her,” Shayla said wishfully.

The chirp of the internal comm system coming alive caught the attention of the two young Paladin initiates. “Attention all passengers this is your co-pilot speaking, please be informed that we will be exiting lightspeed momentarily and will soon make our final approach to Corethdel.”

“I’ll guess we’ll be finding out who our masters will be pretty soon,” commented Marthan to Shayla as soon as the co-pilot had finished the announcement. Although Marthan did not show it, he was excited at the prospect of meeting his new master, but at the same time there was also a sense of anxiousness, as he did not know whether he was capable of becoming a fully-pledged Paladin.

Corethdel came into view in the viewing port next to Marthan moments as the transport dropped out of lightspeed. Both Marthan and Shayla peered out of the view port to look at their new home. From orbit, Marthan noted that Corethdel had very little similarities to his homeplanet of Aldrila. It had large bodies of water and areas of greenery like Aldrila, but unlike Aldrila which had only one main city that left the planet unspoiled, Corethdel was almost entirely covered with cityscape, with the exception of the few spots of greenery. He also noted that unlike Aldrila, Corethdel had heavy orbital traffic around it.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” exclaimed Shayla in wonderment as she looked out the view port, “have you?”

“Nope.”

As the transport descended to the planet, Marthan noted that the buildings of the city were taller than any other building he has seen before. The skyscrapers of Corethdel easily dwarfed the skyscrapers found on Aldrila and its airspace was filled with aircars which followed a very uniformed skylane, which prevented aircars from colliding with each other in mid-air. This whole experience was new to Marthan, he had never seen anything like this in his entire twenty-years of life.

The chirp of the transport’s internal comm unit came to life. “All passengers, please be informed that we are making our final approach to the Bastion.” The Bastion was the headquarters and the main training facility for the Paladin Order. It was the home of the Paladins, it was their refuge.

“There it is!” exclaimed Shayla while pointing at a huge mega-structure in the distance.

Marthan looked over to what Shayla was pointing at and saw a huge ziggurat like structure which had a huge dome on top of it, and on top of the dome was a tall tower which height could touch the heavens. Surrounding the ziggurat was a large circular wall that had towers located at each cardinal direction. The four towers located on the wall were slightly shorter than the tower built atop of the dome on the ziggurat. The ziggurat was linked to the wall by large covered bridges which were located at each of the cardinal directions. Marthan was in awe, he had only seen images of the Bastion, and they did not fully convey its beauty.

“It’s magnificent,” said Marthan who was in awe at the view. Shayla nodded in agreement as the transport approached the magnificent structure. 


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Wed May 11, 2016 9:30 am
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi yizhongt! Mage here to review!

Once again, I loved the chapter. The amount of world building is amazing. You've created planets and histories for characters that have only been mentioned. And you slip facts in subtly, such as stating that Marthan hasn't seen something like it in his twenty years (therefore meaning that he is twenty).

Like before, I only noticed mistakes with punctuation (with one exception). So let's go those out of the way, shall we?

answered Shayla who had a twinkle in her eyes.


There should be a comma after "Shayla".

“I know, I really hope I get her,”


I've noticed that instead of ending a sentence, you put a comma. In this case, the comma should be a period. Other times, you can put words to connect the two phrases, like "as" or "that".

“it takes a great diplomat and warrior to accomplish those feats.”


This doesn't have anything to do with grammar. The "i" in "it" should be capital.

Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D




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Mon Apr 25, 2016 4:36 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there yizhongt. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

Sorry to take so long to get back for my second review. This month has been more hectic than I expected. But I'm here now so none of that explanation was necessary. I will try and get the other chapters finished by next week but I have some testing. So listen up because this is where the real review begins.

Or does it begin down here, I always get that wrong.

Marthan and Shayla had been talking for hours, telling each other about their respective families, their life before joining the Paladin Order as initiates and how they became initiates in the Order. Marthan found the conversation he had with Shayla to be engaging, and he hoped that she thought so as well.

1. I would rewrite the first sentence and I can't really describe why. When I read it aloud it just sounds a bit off and clunky, like the words were not supposed to be together. I tried to create a version I thought sounded a bit better together but it's your choice.
Marthan and Shayla had been talking for hours, telling each other about their respective families and their life before joining the Paladin Order as initiates, even how they became initiates.

I don't think it was necessary to talk about the Order so close together. If it had maybe been at the beginning, I wouldn't have found it as annoying. Just a note.
2. This really doesn't belong anywhere else so here it is. What was you inspiration for the names? Just wondering because they just seem to be one letter off normal names of this time. So I was thinking you were just taking a regular time and changing it up a bit so to place it in the future.

The story is moving a bit slow, but it still has my attention. Though I'm really reviewing this as three separate chapters, I keep forgetting they are just one. In my mind it's like, wow these chapters are super short and then I realize that it's three parts. I know a bit more about the characters and the story from this chapter but not much. Good job so far on the speed.

The couple of edits placed down here are just marked by red ink.
1.
“Those are impressive feats indeed,” acknowledged Marthan as he stroked his hairless chin.It takes a great diplomat and warrior to accomplish those feats.”


And for these lines, I have lots of questions.
“Well I hope that I could get Master Liana Sunrunner as my master,” answered Shayla who had a twinkle in her eyes.

“I think I’ve heard of her before in my readings. Is she the one crippled a weapons smuggling ring in the Trionak system?”

“The very same!” said Shayla with enthusiasm in her voice. “She also managed to get both parties fighting in the Aporian civil war to sit down at the negotiating table, which led to the signing of a peace treaty between the two parties that ended the decade long civil war. In addition to those feats, she also single handedly defeated Warlord Geda of Laskaria and his band of marauders that were harassing passenger liners and cargo ships in the Laskarian system. She’s amazing.”

“Those are impressive feats indeed,” acknowledged Marthan as he stroked his hairless chin, “it takes a great diplomat and warrior to accomplish those feats.”

1. The "who had" in the sentence describing Shayla, doesn't quite work. You might want to try with so it goes "with a twinkle in her eyes.". It really doesn't matter, I just thought it looked better the second way.
2. If Sunrunner is such a great master, then why does Marthan know so little of her? I believe the other reviewers posed this question, but I'm still curious about her. She sounds like the war hero that everyone knows about not just a person who some idol and some ignore. <- If that sentence makes any sense at all please tell me.
3.
"'She also managed to get both parties fighting in the Aporian civil war to sit down at the negotiating table, which led to the signing of a peace treaty between the two parties that ended the decade long civil war.'"

This sentence needs to be split in two, but I'm not sure how. I think it needs to be split in between mentions of the civil war for best effect.
4. Is there some significance over the fact that Marthan doesn't have any facial hair?

I really did like the descriptions you had later on of the buildings and of the planets. Well that's about all I have for this review. Sorry it's so short but I didn't want my review to overlap with the others.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs




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Mon Apr 11, 2016 6:06 pm
Sins wrote a review...



Me again :P I should be doing uni work right now, but procrastination is one of my greatest talents, so here I am!

There isn't heaps of development in this since the prologue, which isn't a bad thing at all, so I'm a little worried I may sound repetitive/not have heaps to say. Overall, I'm still enjoying what you've got going here. As I said in my last review, I'm not usually that into this kind of thing because I'm a simple person who only understands simple things, but you're leading us into things slowly. As such, we're gradually learning about the world and the setting of this in a way that isn't confusing. I still think you could throw in some more worldbuilding, though if you cover that in the prologue, it won't be an issue here at all. So yus, overall, a nice (half) chapter!

I'm going to start my critiques with something super minor and super picky on my behalf. The scene where Marthan and Shyla are discussing their training and all that, some of it feels a bit like you're using their dialogue as a tool to give the readers information. Again, please note that I'm being super fussy here because you've got to get that information out there somehow, and I'd rather you do it via dialogue than just as blocks of text in the story! Let me find you and example of what I mean...

“Because she’s an excellent Paladin,” said Shayla with enthusiasm in her voice, “she managed to get both parties fighting in the Aporian civil war to sit down at the negotiating table, which led to the signing of a peace treaty between the two parties that ended the decade long civil war. She also single handedly defeated Warlord Geda of Laskaria and his band of marauders that were harassing passenger liners and cargo ships in the Laskarian system. She’s amazing.”

“Those are impressive feats indeed,” acknowledged Marthan as he stroked his hairless chin, “it takes a great diplomat and warrior to accomplish those feats.”


This is probably the main one that stood out to me because wouldn't Marthan know all this already? If this woman has achieved all of this, which appears to be a massive deal (and certainly sounds impressive), wouldn't Marthan know about it? As such, him asking why Shayla wants this woman as her trainer would seem a bit silly because it would be obvious: she wants her because she's goddamn awesome. Even if you just switch things around so that, for example, Marthan responds to Shayla's announcement of her desired trainer by agreeing and noting some of her feats, and then Shayla goes on to mention even more of them. This would feel a bit more natural. That's just an example though, you can probably conjure up something better!

Secondly, I'm a little confused to as of why the previous post is a prologue. This follows directly from said prologue, stylistically it's the same, the POV is the same, and the mood/tone/atmosphere mirrors that of the prologue. This is another take with a pinch of salt critique because it's up to you entirely how to format your story, but I'd personally just set your prologue as the first chapter. I'd even go as far as suggesting that you bond it to this chapter, so that your first chapter consists of 3 parts. I won't ramble on about this though because as I said, it's subjective really, but I'd certainly consider rearranging some things.

Finally, I'm quickly going to echo something mentioned in my previous review, in regards to your characterisation. I'm still not getting that much from your characters. I am being hesitant here because we've still not even reached the end of the first chapter(!) but I can't help feeling like I should have felt something by now. Neither of them are especially jumping out at me, and they're rather two-dimensional at the moment. They still just sort of stand as the attractive young girl and the bold young guy, and I want more from them. I'm not going to go on and on about this either because, well, we've hardly started the novel... but again, it's kind of a pre-warning for you as it was in my last review. So yes, I'm just a broken record, aren't I? :P

Anywho, that's me done. Critiques aside, I still think this has uber loads of potential, and with some tweaks it could be wonderful. Hopefully I've actually been of some help with these reviews, and be sure to let me know if you have any questions or comments regarding them. I'm always happy to help!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




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Sat Apr 09, 2016 3:33 pm
BlueJayWalker10 wrote a review...



Hello there! I've come to review your story, as per your request.

#0000BF ">Grammar N' Stuff

answered Shayla who had a twinkle in her eyes.

So, this is good, you describing her as having a twinkle in her eye. However, the way you described it is in the same fashion as you would be describing a fatherly character who always had a kindly twinkle in his eye.
Not a dreamy fangirl. In this case, you'd use "with".
#BF0000 ">answered Shayla with a twinkle in her eye.

Marthan who had arched his rather thick eyebrows.

Haha, here you did it again! You added an unnecessary "who".
#0000BF ">Marthan, arching his rather thick eyebrows.

“Those are impressive feats indeed,” acknowledged Marthan as he stroked his hairless chin, “it takes a great diplomat and warrior to accomplish those feats.”

Okay. One, you don't seem to know when to end your dialogue. Two, a better way to phrase that is "stroking his hairless chin", not "as he stroked his hairless chin".
#0000BF ">“Those are impressive feats indeed,” acknowledged Marthan, stroking his hairless chin. "It takes a great diplomat and warrior to accomplish those feats.”
You need to know when to end the sentence. Carrying on the dialogue like that isn't grammatically correct. Even if there's an action in between.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” exclaimed Shayla in wonderment as she looked out the view port, “have you?”

Same thing right here. Learn the meanings of PERIOD, man. xD
#BF0000 ">“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” exclaimed Shayla in wonderment as she looked out the view port. “Have you?”

It was the home of the Paladins, it was their refuge.

No need to repeat "it was".
[color=#BF0000 ] It was the home of the Paladins, their refuge.[/quote]

[quote“It’s magnificent,” said Marthan who was in awe at the view. Shayla nodded in agreement as the transport approached the magnificent structure.[/quote]
Saying "magnificent" twice is incorrect. Try thinking of another word, like beautiful, majestic, powerful, amazing, dazzling, et cetera.

And I've gotta go and get my blood tested now.
But still, great job!
-Jay




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Fri Apr 08, 2016 5:25 pm
RubyRed wrote a review...



Hello again, yizhongt. Just like the other part of your story I enjoyed this, however, there are some things that need correction.

Marthan and Shayla had been talking for hours, telling each other about their respective families, their life before joining the Paladin Order, as initiates and how they became initiates in the Order.


They can't be initiates before they join and then become initiates after they join. It doesn't make sense. The comma is for the three separate things you listed.

“So, who do you want to have as your master?” asked Shayla.


Comma after 'So'.

“Why her?” queried Marthan who had arched his rather thick eyebrows. He was interested to know why she had such a specific choice.


If Master Liana Sunrunner was such a great paladin wouldn't Marthan have heard of her as well?

As the transport descended to the planet, Marthan noted that the buildings of the city were taller than any other building he hashad seen before.


Well that's it for my review. I hope this helped you out. Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!

~Keepwriting

P.s. I description of Marthan would be nice. I forgot to mention that in the prologue review.




yizhongt says...


Thanks for the feedback! Much appreciated. I will get on to the corrections as soon as possible.

P.S. To answer your question on Master Lianna Sunrunner, Marthan does not know who she is because the Order is huge and sometimes news does not travel.



RubyRed says...


Ah, okay. Well keep writing you've got a great story here.



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Fri Apr 08, 2016 3:02 am
InfiniteRectangles wrote a review...



Hello, InfiniteRectangles here yet again for another review!

I'm hoping this one will be significantly shorter than the last review I did, as I covered a lot of things in that one that can be applied here as well.

Anyway, this was a nice follow-up to your prologue, but I'm seeing some repeat errors between this one and the last, mostly in word choice/grammar.

You missed some commas in a few places, I'll point out a couple for you:
"answered Shayla who had a twinkle in her eyes."
"answered Shayla, who had a twinkle in her eyes."

"queried Marthan who had arched his rather thick eyebrows."
"queried Marthan, who had arched his rather thick eyebrows."

Commas are super easy to neglect, so just be mindful of that.

"Nope."
Seriously? xD Here you are, describing this magnificent scene that neither one of them have either seen before, and Marthan's reply makes him sound rather bored and uninterested. How did he say this? Was he excited or was he bored? What was the expression on his face? The tone of his voice?

Alright, now I will tell you the things you have done well, so it won't seem like I'm being a prat xD I really like your use of imagery. You tell the readers what is there, so they can get an image in their mind, without telling them too much. I love when authors leave a little room for the reader's imagination. Too little description doesn't give the readers a clear enough image, but too much can bore the reader, and in my opinion you have a nice balance. The plot is also consistent so far, I don't see any obvious plot holes or anything. And it's still just as interesting as the prologue! I want to read more, so keep writing!

That's all I have for you. You're a talented writer and I'm eager to see where this is headed! Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night! :D




yizhongt says...


Thanks for the feedback! Much appreciated. I will get on to the corrections as soon as possible. I've changed the part where Marthan says "Nope". I agree with you, it feels flat.




Overripe sushi, The master Is full of regret.
— Buson