z

Young Writers Society


12+

Starlight: Chapter 2 (Part I)

by yizhongt


The hallways of the Bastion were wide and made of beautiful polished marble. The columns that held up the high ceilings of the Bastion were also made of the same marble that was used for the floor. Large rectangular windows lined the walls of the hallways the initiates and their guides walked through. Not only did the windows allowed natural sunlight to fill the hallways, but it also offered a view of the Corethdel skyline in anyone were to look out of one of them.As the group of initiates followed Xarvis and Zholl through the hallways, they came across a few Paladins. The first destination which Xarvis and Zholl brought the group of initiates to was the Archives of the Order.

The Archives was massive, and it contained many shelves and stacks that housed a myriad of databooks in them. Amongst the aisles of the Archives were intricately carved busts of famous lore keepers, historians, and philosophers of the Paladin Order. Marthan was amazed by what he saw. The Archives he was in was much larger than the academy library on Aldrila. I could definitely lose track of time in here, thought Marthan to himself as he walked to the rotunda which was located at the centre of the archives with his fellow initiates. At the centre of the rotunda was a giant sculpture of the first Lore Keeper of the Paladin Order. 

“Welcome to the Archives,” announced Xarvis to the group. “This is where the Order houses all the knowledge it has acquired over its entire existence. This is also where initiates such like yourselves as well as fully-trained Paladins come to gather information and knowledge.”

“Subject matter ranging from politics to science to history to Paladin combat forms and how to master ones’ aura can all be found here in the Archives,” added Zholl to the group.

“Are we granted excess to all the knowledge stored here?” queried Shayla.

“As initiates, you are not granted full excess to all the files stored in the archives,” answered Zholl. Shayla nodded in understanding upon hearing the Zhoidil Paladin.

“So what are we not allowed access to?” asked a curious Marthan.

“Initiates are not allowed access to the databooks that teaches advance combat techniques and advance aura techniques. Those are only reserved for fully-trained Paladins.”

“Initiates are also not allowed into the antiquities vault to study the ancient artifacts, scrolls and recordings of the ancient Paladin masters,” added Zholl.

“Xarvis, Zholl, are these the newest initiates to have joined us?” said a voice coming from behind Marthan and Shayla. Both Marthan and Shayla turned around and was greeted by the sight of a tall elderly human lady. She had greying black hair which was combed back and tied into a bun that was held together by two hair sticks. Marthan noted that she carried herself with grace and poise as she walked towards the group. She also wore the same robes that Master Xarvis and Master Zholl were wearing.

“Yes they are, Master Nii,” said Xarvis to the elderly lady.

“Initiates, this is Master Brianna Nii, Chief Librarian of the Archives,” announced Zholl.

Chief Librarian Nii bowed her head slightly to the group of initiates. “Very nice to meet such fine young initiates that will be the future of our Order,” Nii said as she looked upon each of the initiates’ faces. “If any of you need help with your studies or on finding something in the Archives, feel free to ask me or any of my librarians. We are most willing to help you. Anyways, I’ve kept all you from your tour long enough. I shall be taking my leave now.” Master Nii bowed to Master Xarvis and Zholl who returned her bow. She then proceeded to leave the group and make her way to one of the many stacks in the Archives, to attend to her duties.

“She seems nice,” opined Shayla to Marthan who continued to observe the Chief Librarian.

“She does,” replied Marthan as he turned his attention to Shayla,“She reminds me of my grandmothers.”

The next location which Xarvis and Zholl took the group to was one of the many training halls found in the Bastion. The training hall was huge. There were multiple weapon stacks along the walls of the halls which contained training blades or varying length and size. At the time the group entered the hall, there was a dueling class being conducted. Teaching the class was a scruffy looking medium built man who had brown coloured hair and a well kept and trimmed beard. Marthan noticed that that the man had a scar that ran down his right cheek. Unlike the robes worn by Xarvis and Zholl, the man wore a silver and gold coloured light battle armour.

“This is the main training hall of the Bastion,” said Xarvis. “Here you will further hone and refine your martial skills under the tutelage of your master or one of the many combat instructors of the Order. For initiates who want to focus primarily on one’s martial abilities, you will be either spending your time here or one of the many other smaller training halls located throughout the Bastion.”

Marthan was observing the form of the students who were practicing their dueling skills. He noted that most of them were still clumsy and had unrefined footwork and bladework. There were only two students in the group which had some level of refinement in their footwork and bladework. They still have years to refine their skills, thought Marthan to himself as he reminisced about how his bladework and footwork were unrefined and clumsy when he first started to learn how to duel and to use a training blade.

“They’re not too bad for their age, aren’t they?” said Shayla who was also watching the young students practice duel with one another.

“I think some of them are better than I am when I was at their age,” commented Marthan.

“I think some of them are better that I am at this very moment,” commented Shayla before chuckling briefly.


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Thu Jul 07, 2016 2:54 pm
BlueJayWalker10 wrote a review...



Hello, there! Here to review the second chapter, as per your request. ^.^ This time I can actually get it out within the month of your request. xD
Let's get to work!
#0000BF ">Grammar n' Stuff

The hallways of the Bastion were wide and made of beautiful polished marble. The columns that held up the high ceilings of the Bastion were also made of the same marble that was used for the floor. Large rectangular windows lined the walls of the hallways the initiates and their guides walked through. Not only did the windows allowed natural sunlight to fill the hallways, but it also offered a view of the Corethdel skyline in anyone were to look out of one of them.

Okay, I don't know why, but this whole sequence just feels weird. It's probably just personal preference, in all, so this #BF0000 ">one change is optional.
#BF0000 ">The polished marble hallways of the Bastion were beautiful, with wonderful columns made of the same stone holding up the ceiling. The large rectangular windows lining the walls lit the hallway softly natural sunlight and allowed the students/initiates to see the Corethdel skyline.
Does that feel better? If not, that's okay--again, just personal preference this time.

Not only did the windows allowed natural sunlight to fill the hallways, but it also offered a view of the Corethdel skyline in anyone were to look out of one of them.As the group of initiates followed Xarvis and Zholl through the hallways, they came across a few Paladins.

Er, as you can see, there is a slight mistake as to period placement. xD Might wanna put a space there, eh?

The first destination which Xarvis and Zholl brought the group of initiates to was the Archives of the Order.

You need to add something to define which clause from the rest of the sentence--otherwise, it just looks weird.
#BF0000 ">The first destination, which Xarvis and Zholl brought the group of initiates to, was the Archives of the Order.
Or:
#BF0000 ">The first destination--which Xarvis and Zholl brought the group of initiates to--was the Archives of the Order.
If you like, you can also use parentheses "()".

The Archives was massive, and it contained many shelves and stacks that housed a myriad of databooks in them.

Okay. You said ArchiveS. "S" = plural. Plural = more than one. Was = singular past tense. Were = plural past tense.,
See where I'm going with this?
You also later in the sentence said "it", and that's singular. If it was plural, you would've said "they".
You have two options.
Change the entire sentence/paragraph and make it all plural.
Or remove the "s" and make it singular.
(BONUS: You used "and" twice in the same sentence. That's not very flattering--only use "and" when absolutely necessary.)
#BF0000 ">The Archive was massive, containing many shelves and stacks that housed a myriad of databooks in them.
Nice use of the world "myriad". I thought I was the only one who used finer words than "a ton" to describe numerous objects.

The Archives he was in was much larger than the academy library on Aldrila.

Same problem here. . . "Was" is singular.
#BF0000 ">The Archives he was in were much larger than the academy library on Aldrila.

“She does,” replied Marthan as he turned his attention to Shayla,“She reminds me of my grandmothers.”

You want a period there, not a comma.
#BF0000 ">"She does," replied Marthan as he turned his attention to Shayla. "She reminds me of my grandmothers."

Other than that, good job! All good writing needs some fine tuning--so that's just fine.
Keep up the good writing!
-Jay




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Wed May 11, 2016 9:46 am
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi yizhongt! Mage here to do the promised review! :D

In this chapter, you've once again done an excellent job at giving the reader information without dumping it. I also liked the descriptions you have been giving throughout this story. Keep it up!

one of them.As the group of initiates


There should be a space between the period and "As".

said Shayla who was also watching the young students practice duel with one another.


There should be a comma between "Shayla" and "who".

They still have years to refine their skills, thought Marthan to himself


A good way to make thoughts stand out is by having them in italics. When you word it that way, italics make the most sense. Also, I'm going to impart some wisdom that once was given to me in a review. Don't put "thought Marthan to himself." The italicized part isn't needed because we know he's thinking to himself. If he had multiple personalities, or was sharing his body with someone else, then that would work. But I don't think that's the case with Marthan.

Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D




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Fri Apr 15, 2016 6:21 pm
RubyRed wrote a review...



Hello, yizhongt. I feel like InfiniteRectangles pretty much covered all the grammar mistakes in this work so I won't take the time to point them out to you again. The only thing I think you should do is describe the Bastion more. It was a very short description. It was almost like a recipe that said to get two eggs, flour, milk ect. but not telling you how to use them. You need to go into depth with it. Don't be afraid to put too much because that usually doesn't happen unless you start describing things like what the ground looked like. I feel like this story is going very well. Sorry I couldn't tell you more Infinite got here first. Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!

~Keep <3




yizhongt says...


Thanks for the advice @Keepwriting. If you have the time, could you please review:

Starlight: Chapter 2 (Part II)

Thanks in advance!



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Sun Apr 10, 2016 6:04 pm
InfiniteRectangles wrote a review...



This review is brought to you by InfiniteRectangles

Hello! I'm here for another review, and I must say that this story is coming along wonderfully. Each chapter is consistent with the last one and I haven't seen any issues with the plot yet (although I can't say too much about the plot yet as this is only the second chapter.) Your characters are developing really nicely. I'm beginning to see a bond between the Marthan and Shayla. You use imagery very well in this chapter, too. You describe the scene without relying too heavily on scenic descriptions, and your descriptions are interesting enough to keep the reader's interest throughout.

The only issues I really saw here were minor grammar things.

"I could definitely lose track of time in here, thought Marthan to himself as he walked to the rotunda which was located at the centre of the archives with his fellow initiates."
I had to read this twice to process that this sentence. I suggest using italics or quotation marks to separate his thoughts from the rest of the narration. Like this:
"I could definitely lose track of time in here, thought Marthan to himself as he walked to the rotunda which was located at the centre of the archives with his fellow initiates.
or
"I could definitely lose track of time in here," thought Marthan to himself as he walked to the rotunda which was located at the centre of the archives with his fellow initiates.
Also, this sentence is quite long. I would change the wording a bit or make it two separate sentences so it isn't as overwhelming to read.

“As initiates, you are not granted full excess access to all the files stored in the archives,”

"He noted that most of them were still clumsy and had unrefined footwork and bladework. There were only two students in the group which had some level of refinement in their footwork and bladework. They still have years to refine their skills, thought Marthan to himself as he reminisced about how his bladework and footwork were unrefined and clumsy when he first started to learn how to duel and to use a training blade."
You repeat the words "footwork" and "bladework" in this paragraph often, and it felt a bit redundant and repetitive. Try writing your sentences in such a way that you won't have to repeat yourself so much. For example:

"... thought Marthan to himself as he reminisced about how his own bladework and footwork were unrefined and clumsy when he first started to learn to to duel and use a training blade."
You could change that sentence to something like this:
"...thought Marthan to himself as he reminisced about his own days of clumsiness."
The sentence is significantly shorter and isn't as repetitive. You don't have to use that exactly, it's just an example. But hopefully you get the idea.

Alrighty, that's all I have for you. This is going great and I'm curious to know where this is headed. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night! :D




yizhongt says...


Thank you for the review, you are a great help. If you have the time, could you please review the second part of this chapter?

Starlight: Chapter 2 (Part II)




He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.
— Friedrich Nietzsche