Hello, there! Here to review the second chapter, as per your request. ^.^ This time I can actually get it out within the month of your request. xD
Let's get to work!
#0000BF ">Grammar n' Stuff
The hallways of the Bastion were wide and made of beautiful polished marble. The columns that held up the high ceilings of the Bastion were also made of the same marble that was used for the floor. Large rectangular windows lined the walls of the hallways the initiates and their guides walked through. Not only did the windows allowed natural sunlight to fill the hallways, but it also offered a view of the Corethdel skyline in anyone were to look out of one of them.
Okay, I don't know why, but this whole sequence just feels weird. It's probably just personal preference, in all, so this #BF0000 ">one change is optional.
#BF0000 ">The polished marble hallways of the Bastion were beautiful, with wonderful columns made of the same stone holding up the ceiling. The large rectangular windows lining the walls lit the hallway softly natural sunlight and allowed the students/initiates to see the Corethdel skyline.
Does that feel better? If not, that's okay--again, just personal preference this time.
Not only did the windows allowed natural sunlight to fill the hallways, but it also offered a view of the Corethdel skyline in anyone were to look out of one of them.As the group of initiates followed Xarvis and Zholl through the hallways, they came across a few Paladins.
Er, as you can see, there is a slight mistake as to period placement. xD Might wanna put a space there, eh?
The first destination which Xarvis and Zholl brought the group of initiates to was the Archives of the Order.
You need to add something to define which clause from the rest of the sentence--otherwise, it just looks weird.
#BF0000 ">The first destination, which Xarvis and Zholl brought the group of initiates to, was the Archives of the Order.
Or:
#BF0000 ">The first destination--which Xarvis and Zholl brought the group of initiates to--was the Archives of the Order.
If you like, you can also use parentheses "()".
The Archives was massive, and it contained many shelves and stacks that housed a myriad of databooks in them.
Okay. You said ArchiveS. "S" = plural. Plural = more than one. Was = singular past tense. Were = plural past tense.,
See where I'm going with this?
You also later in the sentence said "it", and that's singular. If it was plural, you would've said "they".
You have two options.
Change the entire sentence/paragraph and make it all plural.
Or remove the "s" and make it singular.
(BONUS: You used "and" twice in the same sentence. That's not very flattering--only use "and" when absolutely necessary.)
#BF0000 ">The Archive was massive, containing many shelves and stacks that housed a myriad of databooks in them.
Nice use of the world "myriad". I thought I was the only one who used finer words than "a ton" to describe numerous objects.
The Archives he was in was much larger than the academy library on Aldrila.
Same problem here. . . "Was" is singular.
#BF0000 ">The Archives he was in were much larger than the academy library on Aldrila.
“She does,” replied Marthan as he turned his attention to Shayla,“She reminds me of my grandmothers.”
You want a period there, not a comma.
#BF0000 ">"She does," replied Marthan as he turned his attention to Shayla. "She reminds me of my grandmothers."
Other than that, good job! All good writing needs some fine tuning--so that's just fine.
Keep up the good writing!
-Jay
Points: 1265
Reviews: 40
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