Shayla stepped forward and faced the stone columns she had to move. Her opponent was a female Jaylrian. Shayla’s opponent looked human except for the purple skin and the pointed ears she had. As soon as K’Vorg signaled them to begin, a yellow aura began to form around Shayla. She was able to push back the first stone column, but Marthan noticed that she was having trouble pushing it back. He also noticed that her opponent was also having the same difficulty. When they both got to the second stone column, neither of them could move the it. After some time, K’Vorg declared the match to be a draw as neither Shayla or her opponent made any progress.
Shayla returned to the group with the look of sadness on her face. “I’m a failure,” she said dejectedly.
“You’re not a failure Shayla,” comforted Marthan with a smile. She smiled weakly in return.
“Your opponent was not able to move the second column as well,” commented Jinn, trying to comfort Shayla. “Plus, we’ve already seen some initiates who could not even move the first column past K’Vorg.”
“I need to start improving my chi abilities,” said Shayla, determination seeping out from her voice.
“And we’ll be here to train with you and help you. Right?” said Marthan
“We all could actually benefit from helping each other train,” agreed Kiaan.
“Agreed,” acknowledged Jinn. “We should start-”
“Jinn Ken-Wan! Step forward!” summoned K’Vorg, which stopped Jinn from finishing his sentence.
“Well, I guess it’s my time then.” Marthan, Shayla, and Kiaan wished him good luck before he walked forward.
“Justorr Voldrago! Step forward!” Marthan looked to see who was going to be Jinn’s opponent. The person that answered K’Vorg’s summons was the man that had mocked him earlier. This is going to be interesting, mused Marthan. Marthan was genuinely curious as to whether or not he could do the things we had said to the group earlier. “Are the both of you ready?” asked K’Vorg to Jinn and Justorr who stood in front of their respective stone columns. Both of them nodded, signaling that they were ready. “All right then, begin!”
As soon as K’Vorg signaled for them to begin, a blue aura started to form around Jinn, and a red aura started to form around Justorr. Both Jinn and Justorr managed to push back the first column almost with no effort. Jinn had difficulties pushing back the second column, allowing Justorr to take the lead. Marthan noticed a smirk form on Justorr’s face before he pushed back the third and last column effortlessly, defeating Jinn who had not even moved the third column. Justorr lifted his arms in victory and smirked at Jinn before smirking in the direction of Marthan, Shayla, and Kiaan.
“It’s official, I don’t like him,” stated Shayla to the group.
“I have to say though, that he is skilled. I think that’s why he’s so arrogant and smug,” Marthan piped in to his two friends.
“His arrogance would lead to his eventual downfall or humbling then,” said Jinn who had rejoined the group. The group welcomed him back and praised him for the effort he made. Jinn and Justorr were the two last initiates to compete with one another. Marthan wondered whether the second half of the tournament would start soon.
“Listen up here initiates,” said K’Vorg, his voice echoing throughout the hall. “We’re only going to be starting the second half of the tournament tomorrow. For now, return to your quarters and get some rest. Meet back here at 0900 tomorrow.Dismissed!” A collective sigh of relief filled the entire hall. The initiates began to leave the training hall and head back to their respective quarters. Marthan wondered to himself how tomorrow will be like.
End of chapter
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139,507 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hi, yizhongt! Mage here to do the long-overdue, promised review! I'm so sorry for taking so long to do this! So, let's get to it, shall we?
Once again, I'm in love with the universe you have created. I love the world building you do in every chapter, and I still can't get over Jinn's name (I have a theory that I never will).
Now onto the constructive criticism. I agree with AnarchyWolf's comments on the dialogue tags. I've also noticed that punctuation is still one of the main problems with your writing, so I found something that could help. You can click here for information on how to punctuate correctly.
Here's some more specific stuff.
You use a variant of push two times in this sentences. It takes away from the story, so I would suggest deleting "pushing it back". It's not needed, since we already know that Shayla is pushing the column.
You use "comfort" twice in this part of the story. Once again, it comes off as repetitive and detracts from the story you are trying to tell. My advice is to change the second paragraph to something along the lines of this: "Your opponent was not able to move the second column as well," Jinn reminded her.
This way the reader can understand what he is trying to do.
"We" should be "he".
The first sentence is a run-on, and this paragraph is repetitive. My suggestion is changing the dialogue tag to something along the lines of the following: K'Vorg asked Jinn and Justorr, who stood in front of their respective stone columns. Both of them nodded.
I'm not sure if I've given this advice to you before, but "to himself" isn't needed. The reader knows he is thinking to himself; unless he is telepathic or is sharing his body with another consciousness, it's unnecessary. Also, "will" should be "would".
Keep up the awesome work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Good morning, yizhongt. AnarchyWolf here to review this third part of the fifth chapter.
The names you used in this chapter-part are so creative, as Anonymous14 said below. I'm not sure if they're from another language or anything, but they jumped out at me as really suiting the genre of what you're writing. I have a friend who's super into Star Wars, and it kind of reminded me a little of that in a way.
Another thing I noticed was the structure, and judging by the other chapters, I'm guessing they're all divided into thirds, and this is the final third? If so, it's a well-done and well-paced final third, although I haven't read the other thirds so I don't know how well you've paced those.
These are a few minor errors I found:
Spoiler
"You're not a failure, Shayla,"
[i]with almost no effort
defeating Jinn, who hadn't even moved the third column yet
This one is just a personal preference as to what reads better, so don't feel obligated to change it.
The verb to smirk is used too many times in one sentence.
tomorrow. Dismissed!
what tomorrow would be like
The way you've written the first paragraph kind of makes it drag on to read a little. It doesn't affect the pacing of the rest of the chapter too much, but it's a little bit of a deterrent, especially when you need a hook to keep readers reading. Change the sentence structure to longer, and use more dramatic verbs to get a feel for the action that's being done by the character. Then less description will be needed, and you'll have a better, more concise story.
Said is okay. It's fine to use said as a dialogue tag. It's advisable to use said as a dialogue tag. You have a large variety of them here, and they are a little distracting, as well as unneeded. You can use little bits of actions to show how or in what manner the characters talk in, or even better, you could just rely on their dialogue to show how they were talking.
This was an effective ending to the chapter, as well as a good piece of narrative in itself. It has some really unique names, good pacing, and only a few minor errors.
-AnarchyWolf
hey! this was really good
i really liked all the imagery you used your first paragraph!
shayla sounds like a really creative character!
i loved the phrase:“His arrogance would lead to his eventual downfall or humbling then,”
you are really talented writer! congrats.
it was just really good.
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like you know those pieces of work that are just really good, you can't pinpoint anything because it was all good? thats like this. But if i had to pick something i think it would be the character names. why? just take on look at them! they're very imaginative and really for in with the story/plot line. they had a very positive reaction to the reader
overall really good piece.
- don't forget to look at my page/blogs ::)