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Young Writers Society


12+

Starlight: Chapter 4 (Part 1)

by yizhongt


Marthan’s datapad had instructed him to meet his new master, High Master Zhong-xin in a one of the meditation chambers located inside the Bastion’s main spire. The main spire of the Bastion was the seat of power of the entire Paladin. At the top of spire was the meeting chamber of the Paladin High Council. Besides meditation chambers, main spire of the Bastion also contained sparring chambers that were only accessible to fully trained Paladins or exceptionally skilled initiates who show great potential.

Marthan was surprised that he was able to find the meditation chamber easily. He was supposed to meet his master there. The meditation chamber was around the same size of the circular hall Marthan was at not too long ago. The layout of the chamber was in fact almost identical, the only difference was that this chamber contained more potted plants, somehow making the room more peaceful and tranquil. At the centre of the room stood a tall humanoid figure with orange coloured skin which appeared to be leathery and whose head was slightly curved upward. The humanoid’s ears were much larger than that of a human’s and also much sharper on both ends. The figure was wearing the black and gold coloured robes of a fully trained Paladin. That must be him, Marthan mused to himself upon laying eyes on the figure in the chamber.

“Greeting my young apprentice,” said the humanoid figure in a deep voice. The figure turned around. To people who have not laid eyes on High Master Zhong-xin’s species before, the first time seeing them is usually a terrifying experience. This is because much of their face is covered with a black coloured mask which varies in design that obscures their eyes, nose and mouth. All Dorkelon that leave their homeplanet of Dorkel must wear the mask, as it is forbidden by their customs for any outsider to see what a Dorkelon actually looks like. Unlike many other people whose initial reaction is to be shocked or terrified at the sight of Dorkelon, Marthan was neither shocked or terrified.

“Greetings High Master Zhong-xin,” greeted Marthan as he bowed to his new master.

“Master Zhong-xin is just fine.” Zhong-xin signaled Marthan to stop bowing and to sit down on the maroon coloured padded cushion that was in front of him. Marthan obliged and did so. Zhong-xin then proceeded to take a sit on his own padded cushion. “Before I begin your training, you must first undergo a simple test.”

Marthan felt a lump form in his throat. He was not prepared for any test, and he didn’t want to disappoint his master during their first ever meeting. He took a deep breath and tried to centre himself. You can do this, he assured himself. “What sort of test did you have in mind master?”

“Just a simple test on our Corps’ tenets,” stated Zhong-xin, his deep and calm voice echoing throughout the chamber. “Are you ready?”

“Yes master.”

“Who does the Corps serve and pledge itself to?” queried Zhong-xin, “The Federation? Or peace and justice?”

Marthan took a moment to ponder over his master’s question. “Peace and justice, master,” he answered.

“And why is that?” probed Zhong-xin.

“Because the Federation is fallible, as they are run by politicians and bureaucrats. And although they say they champion peace and justice for all, there could be a day where they would turn their backs on those very ideals if it suited them.”

“Very good my young apprentice,” praised Zhong-xin. “It is our duty as Paladins to ensure peace and justice is maintained, and if the Federation breaks it, or refuses to uphold it, then we have the responsibility to right their wrong.”

Marthan nodded his head in understanding.

“Next question, what is the Corps’ stance on emotion?”

“Emotions are an integral part of us. Without emotions such as compassion, hope, will, and love, one can never become a strong Paladin.” answered Marthan, “but a Paladin must learn to control one’s negative emotions like anger, greed, and pride, as those emotions would only lead to the downfall of a Paladin.”

“Excellent, excellent. You have great knowledge of our tenets.” Marthan smiled upon hearing his master compliment him. “Now let us move on to the next step.” Zhong-xin reached into one of his pouches that was on his belt and pulled out a small diamond shaped colourless crystal.

Could it be? Could it be the time for that? thought Marthan to himself excitedly as he viewed the colourless crystal which Master Zhong-xin levitated in front of him. 


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75 Reviews


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 7:05 pm
ChieTheWriter wrote a review...



Hey Yiz! It's Me again, representing Team Monarch for review day!

I know I say this every time, but I'll say it again. I love this story! It's interesting, intriguing, and imaginative. (sorry for the silly alliteration there, it just sounded cool XD)

I didn't see any grammar errors in this one. It was very well written. I can't wait to find out what happens. It (the story) leaves you on a cliffhanger, but not so bad to where you freak out if you don't read the next chapter right away. The chapter size is good -what's the word count by the way? Your characters are developed well, and the way you describe them helps the reader picture what they're reading. However, a little more description is always good. Also, I noticed you use a large amount of dialogue here. I personally don't think that it's too much, but just make sure there's not too much conversation going on, or the reader can become disinterested. You did fine though, and I'm NOT saying that you have too much dialogue. I'd say it was just right.

That's all really. It was a great chapter, and I'm looking forward to the next! (although, I might have already read it)

~Me, Team Monarch




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Sat May 21, 2016 11:48 am
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi yizhongt! Mage here to review this story! :D

Hello, Zhong-xin! We finally get to meet Marthan's master. Please tell me when you upload next, by the way. I wanted to keep up on this story. I'm really feeling the Star Wars vibe while reading this. Are you a big fan of it? Well, no matter what the case is, let's move on to the nitpicky stuff!

Besides meditation chambers, main spire of the Bastion also contained sparring chambers that were only accessible to fully trained Paladins or exceptionally skilled initiates who show great potential.


There should be "the" before "main". Also, "that" isn't needed.

Marthan was surprised that he was able to find the meditation chamber easily. He was supposed to meet his master there.


We already know that Marthan is supposed to meet his master in the meditation chamber, so you don't need the second sentence. I would also say the first sentence isn't needed as of right now. Unless you elaborate on it, it doesn't fit with the rest of what is going on.

All Dorkelon that leave their homeplanet of Dorkel must wear the mask, as it is forbidden by their customs for any outsider to see what a Dorkelon actually looks like.


Maybe later on in the story, a Dorkelon will have their mask removed. It's a curious detail, so that's my logic for it. Also, what's the punishment for not wearing a mask? I watched one anime growing up (Saint Seiya) where female saints (think of them like Paladins) had to wear masks. If a guy saw their face, the female saint would either have to kill herself or fall in love with him. In the second series (Saint Seiya Omega) one character, Yuna, chose not to wear her mask, and didn't follow the punishments. My point is that you could have a Dorkelon that defies the rules of his or her people.

Unlike many other people whose initial reaction is to be shocked or terrified at the sight of Dorkelon, Marthan was neither shocked or terrified.


Brave you are, young Paladin. XD Nice job showing more of Marthan's character traits here.

“What sort of test did you have in mind master?”


“Yes master.”


In both of these sentences, there needs to be a comma before "master".

Could it be? Could it be the time for that? thought Marthan to himself excitedly as he viewed the colourless crystal which Master Zhong-xin levitated in front of him.


I'm excited to see "that" in the next chapter! Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck with your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D





If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over.
— Yiddish proverb